Jealousy...

Hol. Lee. Crap. Has it really been a month and a half since my last post? Man, have I been slacking. Welp... I suppose that just means I'll need to get to posting again, doesn't it?

Here lately, I've had an interesting thought rattling around in my little noggin. I recently heard someone mention the idea of God being a jealous God. Jealousy isn't normally a viewed as a good thing. So, this has caused me to process further what all this statement contains. Here are a few of my thoughts.

God's jealousy for us is not like our jealousy. It is not based on selfish desires. It is more akin to the desire of a husband for his wife. The husband desires to be with his bride, to share in life and experience the joy of being with each other. The husband is not jealous of his bride. The word "of" is key here. This jealousy would mean he wants to possess her. He has to be with her and control all she does. If someone else spends time with her, he becomes upset. No one else may share what he has. This jealousy is unhealthy and many times what we experience.

God, on the other hand, is jealous for us. He wants to be with us and share life with His creation. His jealousy is based on love. He cannot bear to think of the Church, His bride, going off and giving herself to another. He knows of the pain and the hurt this will bring. Instead, He wants to be with her and to hold her close to Himself, nurturing and guiding her throughout life. The thing with God is this. He will pursue. He will call out. But He will not force. Human jealousy ends up with force and ripping away. It ends in with individuals being left torn and incomplete. God's jealousy ends in fullness. When a person finally finds themselves back in His arms, he or she finds themselves made complete. Christ completes. He desires to see this brought to bear in our lives.

So yeah... those are my thoughts. Granted, they are rather random and incomplete. But it was a thought that had struck me a few days back. I'm just amazed at how God jealously desires me. He wants to be with me, to hold me in His embrace. But He won't force Himself on me. I must choose to walk towards Him. Too many times I seem to choose to do the opposite...

Anywho, I'm about finished with my cup of cranberry/ apple juice. This means it is time to end this post. Later, peeps. I promise I will write sooner than last time.

Peace.

Intimacy

Over the past few days, there has been a speaker at GCU named Josh Riebock who has spoken at the chapel services. Something he said at theGathering Tuesday night has stuck with me. He spoke on the idea of having intimacy, having a real, deep, connected relationship, with God. What does it look like to have intimacy, true intimacy, with my Father? As it should, this has gotten me thinking about my own life and where I stand with Him.

As I evaluate my own life, I've begun to realize that I am lacking in the department of true connectedness with Him. I either am simply catching Him at a moment's notice before moving on to the next task or I'm drowning out those silent times with noise. Maybe it's just me but I find those silent times a bit uncomfortable. It might be because I know if I truly listened, I would be shaken by what I hear... Whatever the reason, I realize that my level of relationship with God is low.

Let's look at a real relationship, shall we? In a healthy relationship, one of the key features is time. The two parties spend time together; real time that is not rushed or forced. They simply exist together. A relationship is not built off of a few minutes here and there. It is built from taking time to be in each others' presence. Another key feature of a healthy relationship is communication. All of the talking is not done by one person. Both parties need to be sharing. And both need to be listening. One can talk, but it becomes fruitless if the other is not taking in what is being said.

Sadly when I look at my relationship with God, this is what I see. I'm taking no time whatsoever to be in the Master's presence. When I am taking time out to simply be with Him, I am the one talking. I'm constantly sharing what I want to be known and then leaving it that. True, He wants to hear from me, be it big or little. Yet, He has so much more that He wants to tell me. A great thought presented by Josh dealt with our perception of approaching God. He looked at it from the view of a master and a servant. When have you ever seen or heard of a servant who approached his master and addresses him nonchalantly. The servant would walk in and quickly say, "Oh, sorry, sir. I got caught up in my own affairs. I hope all is well with you. Later." I personally don't think the servant would last very long with that attitude. Instead, a servant enters his master's presence and then waits. He will wait for however long until the master has dismissed him. There may be long stretches of silence, yet the servant will continue to wait patiently. With this in mind, I have only one response. Boy, do I suck as a servant...

So, I suppose my thought right now is this. Seek that intimacy with God. Seek that gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, nerve-wracking, life-shattering, all-encompassing love which comes from sharing in true, unrelenting intimacy with the Most High. God wants that intimacy. He's rather stubborn when it comes to a relationship with His children. He'll keep pursuing, even if we don't see it. Just... don't leave Him waiting. I do that far too often...

Peace.

A Nice, Easy Morning

I've got my nice bowl of Lucky Charms going this morning and some time to spare before heading in to work, so I thought I would take some time to relax and do some blogging, especially since it's been quite some time since I've been able to write.

Man, things have certainly been fast-paced recently. There's been training for the past few weeks, and this past weekend was move-in with all of the students. The atmosphere of the campus has certainly changed. For some reason have around 1000 students arrive does that... I've also started my grad classes. And here I thought I would be done with homework. Ha. Overall, things have been amazingly good. The team of RAs are amazing. The group of students have been fun and for the most part engaging with the activities going on around campus. Dude! Saturday night, GCU bought a water park out here for the evening. That was such a fun time hanging out with students and simply playing in a pretty sweet water park. And the scenery only made it better. Phoenix had a rather big storm move through the area (we passed a car that had a decent sized limb on it) and the clouds were still hanging around. The park itself was clear, but almost all the way around it there were thunder clouds. Lightning kept lighting up the clouds and the mountains around the area. Simple put: breathtaking.

So yeah... things here are definitely picking up. This week should see me settling into my "normal" routine with everything. Even in the midst of all of this busyness, I'm still finding myself standing in awe of how God continues to move. The level of passion for Him in the student leaders here is humbling. The scope of blessing in my life has left me speechless. I don't know how to thank Him for everything He has done. Even when I doubted and wanted to throw my hands up in frustration, He continues to provide. My desire now is to find a way in which to give back. He has provided all of this for me. How can I now turn this blessing back to Him, pouring it out on those around me? This is what I desire. I want to see Him glorified through what I say and do here. I don't want to simply sit on this blessing and keep it to myself.

Anyway, there's my little update for the time. Hopefully I'll have more opportunities to write now that training is over.

Blessings, my friends.

Blessings

My first week here in Phoenix has almost reached it's conclusion. I must say, this week has been incredibly encouraging. The people, the activities, the environment... shoot, even my living conditions and the items I have been given over these past few days, weeks and months has been amazing. I'm left speechless at the enormous amount of blessings which have been poured out on me. I'm astounded at how much God has provided me. This environment is one which I am excited to be working in. The people here have a great attitude towards their work, focusing on the students and their needs above all. The actual environment of Phoenix that I'm in is great too. Granted, it's not going to be the most comfortable of environments. It's a far cry from the firefly-saturated fields of Indiana. Shoot... some of the stories make me laugh at the situation. For example, they said not to panic if I hear gun shots. That's just a part of the area.

But these circumstances make me excited. Much like Scotland, my perception on the world is once more about to be stretched, challenged and changed. I'm meeting new people and encountering new things. This new chapter is going to be yet again a life-forming time in my life. It will be hard and challenging at times, but I'm looking forward to this growth. It will be good.

At the same time, I must admit I'm a little frightened with what this new position means. I have been insanely blessed over these last few weeks. It feels like God has poured out one blessing after another. For some reason He finds it a good idea to take this action. Yet, I'm scared of what this might entail. I hold to the idea that to whom much is given, much is required. I don't mean to say that God pours out His blessings with a price. What I mean is that I have been given a great deal... provided housing, a great place to work, things to help me function in life comfortably. I cannot simply sit on these things and keep them to myself. I have been given these things for a reason. I believe that there is some purpose or role that God is calling me to fulfill. These blessings are my proverbial talents. When the master comes to settle accounts with His property, (for these things are not my own, but His) what will I have to show for my time here? And I must admit that I am scared of failure. I don't want to come up short.

So, I must turn to Him, seeking for His clarity in the path which has been laid before me. May I see the opportunities as they come. May I grasp these times with confidence and assurance in my abilities. May I bring You glory and honor through the words I say, the actions I take and the life I live. I make this my prayer as this time of newness and refreshing opens.

Blessings, my friends.

The 2 X 4 of Life Cometh

Here, on the eve of departure, reality is suddenly kicking in. As Dad would put it, I feel like I'm being hit in the head by a 2 x 4. The reality is that tomorrow I leave for Arizona, where I'll be starting in with my new job and new life. This simply leaves me stunned. It's crazy that I have come to this point. It still feels quite unreal with the whole thing. Am I really leaving the fields of Indiana and heading out there? Won't I continue to wake up and follow my routine here at home? What am I talking about, leaving home and moving out there? I'm not really doing that, am I?

Yet, the truth of the matter is I am. This new chapter of my life is preparing to unfold. And I am having some major mixed emotions about the whole thing. First of all, there is a good deal of sadness and grief. For the new to take place, the old must change. In a way, it must be left behind. I don't really like this term because I consider my family as a part of this current life. To say it must pass away makes me feel like I will never see them again. That being the case, I think I'll settle for using the term "change". My relationship with them, and with others, will still exist. But a major change it what these relationships look like is about to occur. So, there is some sadness. Seeing these things change and become a part of my past is hard. But come it must.

On the flip side, there is a lot of excitement with this move. Here is a new and exciting step in my life. I'm going to get to go meet new people and engage in new things. There are new sights to see, new experiences to be had, new relationships to develop. This next chapter in my life is going to be another moment growth and change. And I'm excited for it. I've seen how God has brought these things together so perfectly. In the midst of one of the lowest times in my life, what with low self-esteem, some depression issues and a severe lack of seeing God's love for me, I stand amazed at how He moved and brought all of these things together in His timing. As I look ahead in life, I still have no idea what is in store for me. Honestly, I have next to no clue at all what exactly my role with Grand Canyon will consist of. What I do know is that, much like Scotland, God is bringing me there for a reason. And, going of a good friend's advice from tonight, I need to make myself present where I am at. I don't need to worry about the past, future or even what else is going on at the time. I am where I am for a reason, and I need to strive to thrive as best as I can with what I'm doing.

So, I look ahead to my departure tomorrow, unsure of what lies in store for me. There's a lot of uncertainty ahead (like 99% of what my life will entail). What I do know is that my next chapter is unfolding in front of me. It's time to step forward to my next adventure.

Blessings, my friends.

A Silent Presence

In church today I actually heard something which I rarely hear from the front. The pastor was speaking from Daniel 3, which is the account of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego and the furnace. The point which the pastor made was that it is normal for Christians to suffer and not hear from God, nor even see Him working, for long stretches of time. I feel like we rarely address this part of our faith, holding to the idea that if we trust in God and do all of the right things everything will turn out peachy. But that is not true. Following God can be incredibly tough and the road is often littered with pain.

The story of these three shows this fact quite clearly. I many times forget their history, concentrating on the immediate story in chapter 3. They started off in the royal palace in Judah, having an education and most likely plenty of privileges. They watched as the Babylonian Empire advanced towards their kingdom. They more than likely called out to God, asking for His protection and salvation from this threat. Yet, Judah still fell. They then saw themselves carted off as slaves to Babylon, where they were subjected to cultural brainwashing and completely stripped of their very identity, even given new Babylonian names. They more than likely called out to God throughout this whole ordeal, asking for Him to intervene and save them. Yet, the response they received was silence. Then we come upon chapter 3. The statue had been erected and they were to bow down in worship or face death. Yet these 3 men stood their ground, refusing to give worship to anyone but the most High God. When they faced the furnace, their reply to Nebuchadnezzar was that they worship no one but God and that He can save them from the flames. Even if He didn't, they would still follow Him alone.

I've never approached their story in this manner before. Their faith in God is astounding. They had every reason to say that God no longer cared for them, that He had abandoned them and that they were on their own. He had remained silent in those other times when they cried out for Him. Yet, here they were, facing death and yet remaining steadfast in their faith. They knew God can move and save. They didn't know if He would or not, but they still believed in Him.

I hear this and then I look at myself. I get so upset when I don't feel like I'm hearing anything from God for a few weeks or even months. I complain that He's abandoned me, that He doesn't truly care, that I'm on my own. Yet that isn't true by any means. He's still there, even in the silence. I need to learn how to be at peace in this silence, grounding my faith on the truth and love which I have already experienced. He is faithful, even when I can't seem to see it.

So yeah... this was something I found really cool from the sermon this morning and I wanted to share. Hope you found it as encouraging as I did.

Peace, my friends.

Ponderings as of Late

So, as of late I feel like I've been on a wee bit of an emotional roller coaster ride. I find myself down in the dumps one minute, soaring on cloud 9 the next and then suddenly back down in the depths of depression. And it seems like the simplest of things can set me off on this roller coaster. I know it's not really the little things which are causing this fluctuation. There's something deeper going on in me, and I've been trying to lay a finger on what it is exactly. So, maybe I can process some of my thoughts here and see where it gets me.

This past wee while has been, as is apparent from my previous posts, a rough time for me. I've had some major disappointments and let-downs come my way, many of which has caused a lot of... well... emotional trauma is the best way to describe it. I've doubted myself, my role in life, even my own worth as a person. Basically I cast my own self out as worthless and not deserving of anyone's time. Coupled with these thoughts and emotions was the fact that my life seems to be in a constant state of change right now. I finished off my final semester of university and had started to look ahead into the giant blank that is my future. And I was scared. I feel inadequate to do much of anything, I have no idea what I can do or where I can go, my close friends where all leaving and going their separate ways, and for much of this time I had nothing on which to ground myself.

With so many changes coming so fast, my already hyper-charged emotions have been getting hit pretty hard. One minute I'm feeling hopeful about things, feeling like I'm on top of the world. Something happens or I catch a passing comment and I find myself starting back down that destructive spiral. I know this spiral spawns from something other than the circumstance, but I can't seem to nail it down. I think a part of it comes from my own insecurities, especially those that have been drug up recently. Maybe it's because I don't fully know how to cope with all of these changes, especially the loses which seem to be happening so regularly. Maybe it's these feelings of being so small in a world that is so big. I don't fully understand my place in this world, but I have come to realize just how big it is and how small I am. That could easily cause some interesting emotions.

It's interesting, though. As I am sitting here, processing all of these thoughts and feelings that I have been having, I have the song "How He Loves" playing on my lappy. And I'm being struck once more by just how wide and deep His love for me is. No matter what comes my way, no matter what emotional trauma I seem to be experiencing, He is still constantly there, supporting and encouraging me. He is the Father, running out to meet me while I trudge towards the house, ashamed of my actions. Even when I feel abandoned and alone, He is still there. And you know... I think that's what I needed to acknowledge. I don't know fully what has caused this roller coaster in me. Most likely it's been a multitude of circumstances and events all coming together into a perfect storm of discouragement. What I do know is what the cure is. It's His embrace. I find myself awestruck when I think about His love for me. He's right there beside me, suffering when I suffer and rejoicing when I rejoice. No matter how worthless and rejected I feel by others, He is still there with open arms inviting me into His warm embrace. And you know something? When I think about that, I don't feel so down anymore...

Peace, my friends.

Cliches of Trust

I feel that an update on life right now is in order. After much waiting and searching, I finally have something in which to engage myself in the near future. I have been offered a position as an Assistant Resident Director at Grand Canyon University. So, this means that come the first of August I will be moving out to Phoenix. This certainly comes as a major life change. I'm moving off to a place where I will know no one. But I'm finding myself quite excited by this coming change. Yes, there is some nervousness. I don't know fully what to expect, and I'm going to be away from the norm. The more I think about it, though, the more excited I become. Life is shaping up and, for at least the next wee while, I have a direction in which to point myself.

As I look at this and I look back at the past few months, I can see a definite change in myself concerning my attitude and approach to life. Yes, first of all, having something like this come up will certainly affect my outlook. But going beyond that I've noticed a difference in my relationship with God. These past few months, I've been upset with God. I've wanted something in which to ground myself, something which I could take a hold of and set as my foundation. Looking ahead into life, I just kept seeing this big blank sheet and it scared me. I wanted some form of direction and something tangible to set myself on. Before having my interview with Grand Canyon, I had a wee bit of an insight with my relationship with God. I can't be looking for something tangible or physical as the foundation for my hope and outlook on life. That will simply lead to the attitude I had; when there's nothing to set my hopes in, then I sink down into the depths of despair. Instead, my hopes, my attitude, my outlook on life needs to be grounded in God alone. He is the firm foundation. The reason He can be is that He is constant and He will not fail. His love for me continues on and will provide for me in my needs. This is something I had come to forget. Over this past month I came to be reminded of this, and that I need to trust in Him alone.

Granted, this sounds cheesy, especially since I'm approaching it from the standpoint that I do have a plan for the future. It seems like I'm saying the age-old cliche that if you trust in God everything will come together perfectly. Honestly, I don't think things are as easy as that. Yet, I have come to once more trust that God will take care of His children. He loves us, and He wants to strive on our behalf. It is up to us to trust in Him, knowing that He will guide and lead if we let Him. So yeah... I know... cheesy cliche here. Sounds like I'm simply saying "Trust God and everything will be alright." And I don't want to simply say the padded answer. What I am saying is that He cares and loves for us more than we could ever imagine. His heart breaks when ours do. He doesn't want to see us in pain, and He will be there in the midst of our struggles, even if it doesn't seem like it. As I have learned, put your trust and hope in God. His love can carry you through.

Some Refining...

A characteristic of mine has recently come to the forefront of my attention. In general interaction with people, be they strangers or those I know, I have noticed this attribute coming out more than I would like. You see, I have begun to notice just how selfish I really am. It's been rather disturbing to see how much my selfishness influences my interactions with people and even my decision making. This realization has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I know, every person has some form of selfishness in them. It's a part of the Fall. Yet, I don't like how much of an influence this nature seems to possess in my life. As I head in to town and interact with people, it has amazed me how many times I have become irritated by people who aren't acting in a way that I would like. When situations don't go exactly like I have planned, I find myself getting bent out of shape. I keep unconsciously and consciously placing myself at the center of the universe, thinking that everyone should know what I am thinking and want and thus bend to my will.

I keep forgetting that each person I meet, each person I come across has their own life, their own plans, their own hopes, their own stories... There is so much that is happening in their lives, so much that I cannot even imagine which is just below the surface. Their interactions with me barely scratches the surface with what is going on underneath. And when I think about how I have acted, denouncing their stories as irrelevant to my own passing whims...

I don't want to be like this, thinking only about satisfying my desires and wants. Lord, open my eyes to those around me. Teach me how to contain and discipline myself. Teach me want it truly means to humbly submit my will to Yours. Teach me what it means to truly love like You do. Teach me how to see beyond myself. May my eyes be turned outward.

And for you, if you're reading this, I want to apologize. I don't know if you've simply stumbled on this or if you are a friend of mine, but I want to apologize to you. I want to apologize for allowing my selfishness, my self-serving attitude, to influence how I have acted. It has caused me to wrap up inside of my own wants and desires and miss what is truly important. It has caused me to miss and celebrate what God is doing in those around me. It has stifled the pouring forth of joy from my heart and has replaced it with bitterness. So, no matter what our relationship may be, be it a passing moment or an every day occurrence, I apologize. Now it is time to move on, purging this from myself through through the assistance of God alone. His love shall teach me and carry me forward.

Peace, my friends.

The Father's Love

I'll be honest, these past few months have not been pleasant on me. It would seem like I have been squeezed like a ketchup bottle, and what's poured forth from my insides has not been pleasant. There's been a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, a lot of cynicism, a lot of loneliness. This past wee while has been marked by a very quick drop in my self-esteem and own feelings of worth. As I have taken assessment of myself, I keep seeing every single one of my faults... seeing myself as nothing more than a failure not worth anyone's time, energy or thought. It hasn't helped that these times of thought have been fed by my time alone. That seems to be the standard cycle of things. Due to circumstances in others' lives, I found myself alone for a good portion of my free time. In this free time, these wounds would only fester and grow. This in turn caused me to withdraw even more into my pain, making me more undesirable to be around. It's been a vicious cycle, being added to with my graduation and coming home. It has been a lonely occurrence coming home. I spend the majority of my time picking strawberries and free time is usually spent simply hanging around the house. When I encounter friends from the past, I feel like I am encountering a ghost. I remember the relationship which used to exist, but which no longer stands. Both of us have grown and entered different life circumstances... and I don't know where I stand. And again, this just adds to my downward spiral. It feels like one more burden, one more twinge of pain added to my burden and I simply withdraw back into my shell.

And I can see how this attitude has affected my relationship with God. My view of myself has affected how I feel God views me. I'm simply the little peon that He uses when He wants to. I have felt at times that He doesn't care for me, that He doesn't have any sort of plan in store for me, simply because I'm not worth His time. I search for some sort of guidance and path for where to go now that I've graduated and I hear nothing. I try to search and find something to follow, but then these things each have the door closed on them. It seems that no matter where I turn, what I do, what I plan, God is there blocking my path. I haven't felt His love, His joy or His peace in quite some time. Pain, disregard and rejection instead have been the most common feelings as of late.

Last night, though, I was reading in my current book of interest, The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen, and something seemed to stick. The things Nouwen had to say in regard to the parable of the prodigal son struck a cord on my heart. In this chapter, he describes the father from the parable. "His seeing is an eternal seeing, a seeing that reaches out to all of humanity. It is a seeing that understands the lostness of women and men of all times and places, that knows with immense compassion the suffering of those who have chosen to leave home, that cried oceans of tears as they got caught in anguish and agony. The heart of the father burns with an immense desire to bring his children home... How much would he have liked to pull them back with his fatherly authority and hold them close to himself so that they would not get hurt. But His love is too great to do any of that. It cannot force, constrain, push, or pull. It offers the freedom to reject that love or to love in return. It is precisely the immensity of the divine love that is the source of the divine suffering. God, creator of heaven and earth, has chosen to be, first and foremost, a Father."

He continues with this. "The Father wants to say, more with his touch than with his voice, good things of his children. He has no desire to punish them. They have already been punished excessively by their own inner or outer waywardness. The Father wants simply to let them know that the love they have searched for in such distorted ways has been, is, and always will be there for them."

These words cut deep in me. They have reminded me of the Father's love. He is not seeking to cast down nor destroy me. He doesn't view me as the unwanted failure, the backup person chosen only when all other options have been exhausted. No... His love for me is strong and pure. And for every pain I have felt, for every tear which I have shed, He has been right there with me... suffering the hurt with me, facing uncertainty by my side, shedding the tears with me... all while wrapping me up in His divine embrace. He did not wished for this pain to occur. They were not a part of His plan. Even though I see myself as worthless, His heart has still broken offer what I have felt. And it is not because I am some great significant person that He has ached for me. It is simply because He is my Father and I His child. Huh. It's been a while since I've viewed God as my loving Father. Lately, it has been more as my Lord, the person ruling over me and chastising me for not being something great. But the truth is He is Father, and He loves me.

I'm not sure where you might be right now nor what you might be going through. But let Nouwen's words echo in your heart too. God's heart aches when He sees His children going through pain and evil. He did not desire nor will this hurt to happen. Yet, His love can do nothing but allow it. But don't do as I have done. Don't forget His love and pull into the pain. Instead, fall into His embrace. Fall into the Father's love. The pain won't go away. That doesn't seem to be how it works. He will, though, surround you with His love and support you through these uncertain times. His love brings peace and joy. I lost sight of that for a wee bit. Don't you lose sight, though. Don't forget His love. The Father hasn't forgotten about you.

Thought of the Day

I had a bit of a random conversation with someone today whilst I was out picking strawberries. He stopped and came out for a wee bit to chat and in the course of the conversation he ended up asking me what my plans were now that I've graduated. And I told him what I hope to see happen, such as getting something right now, such as an RD position or teaching English, so that I can pay off some debt and also be involved in some area that includes my passions. I then told him that my long term goal is to get school debt paid off so that I can look at going back to Europe, maybe around the UK, France, Spain, Italy, somewhere around western Europe, and working there. His comment after that kinda shook my outlook on these things. His reply was that it seemed like I was looking at getting away from here.

I'm not sure why, but that comment has stuck with me all day today. I suppose it is true. All of my options that I have been looking at involve leaving the area and leaving what I have grown up with. And in a way, I feel that I am okay with this. As I look at things right now, I have come to realize that it is time to move on. I have changed over the years and no longer fit the old roles that I once filled. While I love the people here and enjoy the things going on here, I find that it no longer is what drives me. As I look to my makeup and what really tugs at my heart, it involves heading out and working with people internationally, getting involved in teaching, discipleship and building relationships. These things are where my passions lie.

So, I suppose my friend was correct. I am looking at getting away from here. But I realized today that it's not because I hate it here (although at times there has been.... discontent and grief as I have seen that life here moved on and left me feeling in a limbo, unsure of where I fit or even what benefit I give, but that is a whole other topic...). There is no hate. There is a realization, though, that I need something to drive me in life, and it needs to come from tapping into those things which put that gleam in my eye. Now the question is finding that place where my passions are drawn out. That seems to be lacking as of late... I keep seeking some clarity from God in the midst of this fog which is my future but I'm still not seeing much. I hate to say it, since I keep hearing it and I get no comfort from it, but the only thing I have left to do is keep trusting in God. He's led me through uncertainty in the past, even when things seemed down and out. I need to keep believing that He's going to get me through this rough time of uncertainty too. He can do it. I just need to keep waiting on Him.

That was a random tangent, so I apologize. But that's what I get for reflecting on my friend's comment. My mind likes to take random paths. Anywho, I thought that was an interesting thought from today and I wanted to share.

Peace, dear friends.

Changes... Choices....

I have now officially graduated. Huh, that's an odd thought. It's kind of weird to think of it having come and gone. This is especially true with the fact that I wasn't looking forward to graduation at all. I wouldn't say I wasn't looking forward to graduating, for I was. It was time to move on. I think the part I wasn't looking forward to was what graduation meant. It kind of held for me the culmination of a bunch of changes which have been happening; changes I wasn't exactly looking for nor wanting at all. Before I had these grand ideas of what life would hold after I graduated. I would have some sort of plan in life and preparing to embark on some grand adventure. Yet, as this past semester started to play out, I began to realize that this wasn't the case.

With the ending of my time here at school, I will also see a great change come upon many of my relationships which have grown here. I will no longer see these friends of mine on a daily basis. They will no longer be easily contacted. Many will simply stop communicating and seemingly cease to care about what occurs in my life. And that is a hard thought to swallow. After all of the time, energy and memories put into the relationships, it is hard for me to simply let them go. It feels like these changes are ripping them away. Along with this, I also began to realize that graduation would mean moving back home. Don't get me wrong. Home is a good thing. But in my eyes it consists of an old life, one which I no longer feel like I fit in. With no set plans on the horizon, I feel like I am heading back to an old life and will thus be crammed back into a role which I no longer hold. I have grown and matured since I was last home, and the people at home have moved on in their lives. I feel like I no longer have a place, yet I will be expected to be the same old Ben.

While this past semester and graduating are good things, they have also become hard changes to face. This past wee while has felt like one hard change after another, dishing out some thing which I did not choose nor want. No matter what I said or did, these changes have come. I saddened by how things have turned out, and I wish it were different, but I've also had a bit of a revelation for myself as of late. This idea keeps popping up in different places, such as conversations I've had with people. And I think it aptly applies to this current stage of life.

I cannot, it would seem, chose the changes which come about. That seems to be the case when dealing with other people. Each person makes their own choice, be it good or bad. I cannot make it different. I may not want it. I may not like it. But I can choose to accept it. The choice I can make is how I will deal with these changes. As life continues to move on, I can either become caught up in the loss of the familiar or I can strike out and search for the adventure I was hoping for. I can either allow the hurt of loss overwhelm me or I can learn to accept it, not embrace nor hide it. But I can accept the pain and loss and continue along my path. People may choose to separate and drop their communication with me, but I shall leave that up to them. As for my part, I will always be there. I cannot hope to stay the same, so I must chose to press on. And I don't know the future. I too easily allow the idea of not being in the same place to affect my outlook on relationships. (It might be because of past experiences... out of sight out of mind, you know) But if a person truly values the relationship, then it will last, no matter the space between. And that is an encouraging thought, especially as I prepare to pack up and leave my house and friends. I can hope that the relationships I've made over these past years won't fade... that they will actually prove to have been meaningful to more than myself...

As I face the future with uncertainty, I have come to realize something. I cannot always choose the circumstances I find myself in. But I can choose how I will face them. Too long have I allowed the idea of loss and pain to rule my feelings. I don't know what the future holds. And I'm coming to realize, once again, that is okay. God is in control. He is leading me onward, one step at a time. I must learn to trust His guidance. Most of the time I don't like it, but I will continue to trust. He has worked in amazing ways before, bring about things which I never thought would happen and growing hope where I thought there was none. So, with these things kept in mind, I will continue to push onward.

The changes have come. I have chosen. Now it's time for that adventure...

Prayer of the Heart

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

-Philippians 4:4-9

Lord, I find this a challenge at times. I find it hard to display the joy and peace when things seem so chaotic and uncertain. I find it hard not to be anxious when I look ahead in life and the only light I see at the end of the tunnel is the light from the freight train called life chugging ahead at full speed toward me. I submit myself to You in prayer and if feels like no answer is coming. I ask for peace and I ask for assurance, but still You seem to remain silent. I want to crawl up in to arms, Father, and find myself at home, but I can't seem to even find Your arms.

Even though my heart has grown weak from the repeated disappointments, let downs, sorrow and pain, it hasn't quite given up. Admittedly, it certainly wants to, on a regular basis. Yet, I know that You are still present and working... or at least, my hope tells me that You are. Acceptance of this current state of affairs does not come easy. In fact, I am normally quite unsatisfied with the turns life has decided to take. But I trust that You do have... something in mind, something that You can use these circumstances for.

So, here's my heart, Father; broken, bleeding, and desolate as it is. I believe that You will move through these current circumstances and that You will somehow bring good. While I cannot see it at all, I know that You are moving and working. So, here am I. Take me as I am. And don't leave me the same.

Sacrifice

In Genesis 22, there is an account of Abraham which I find interesting. Isaac was Abraham's son, the son of Sarah and heir to the promise from God. Abraham had placed all of his hopes, dreams, desires and faith in Isaac, this boy of promise. Born in his old age when it seemed impossible, Isaac was the evidence of God working in Abraham and fulfilling His promise to him. Yet, one day God up and asks Abraham to take Isaac and offer him up as a sacrifice. Although it does not mention it, I am almost sure that Abraham's human nature would be coming to the forefront here. Here was this boy in whom all of these hopes and dreams were wrapped up in and God was asking him to give him up. Abraham was asked to give up, to sacrifice his very hopes and dreams, all of his desires, to Him. There had to be a sense of "What the heck, God?! Why are you asking this of me? Why are you putting me in this position? Why are you, after giving me what I have so sought for, taking it away from me?" I'm almost positive these thoughts crossed Abraham's mind when he heard this request. Yet, even in this midst of this confusing request, he still packed up and set out with Isaac, preparing to give the boy over to Him.

Abraham placed his whole faith in God, trusting that He knew what He was doing in asking for such a thing. I'm sure during those few days of journeying out he kept thinking through these things, either hoping to hear God say that that was good enough and that He had something else in mind or that He had some miraculous way of working through this circumstance and still fulfilling His promise. Yet, no word was spoken to him. So he kept on traveling forward, staying faithful to what God had asked. Abraham remained faithful to the very end, even taking laying hold of the knife so that he could kill his son, his desire, his love, his hope and future. Abraham put God above and beyond his own hopes and dreams. He was willing to sacrifice them for His sake.

As some might know, the end of this account ends happily. God stops Abraham before he strikes and tells him that He is satisfied, that He sees he would not even hold back his own desires from Him. God was first and foremost in Abraham's life. While I do not have son nor do I have some outstanding promise made to me from above, I do feel at times that I am facing a similar call. This past semester, as has been observed, has been one of constant stripping away for me. My hopes, dreams, desires and plans for the future have been continually stripped away. At times I feel like everything I hope for is taken away from me. And I am left asking "Why, God?" Why does it seem like I cannot have anything that I want? Why does it seem like life continues to work out for every other person except me? Where is the peace towards life which I so desire? Things I hoped for have fallen away. Plans for the future have run to nothing. I am facing a future fully unknown within the next few weeks. But then I consider Abraham...

He was willing to hand all over to Him, finding his peace in the knowledge that God was in control and that He did have a plan, even if he was not privy to this plan. Even in the midst of what had to be mental and emotional anguish over the loss of what he held so dear, Abraham still handed Isaac over to God. I don't know what will come of these current situations. I find it difficult at times to even see how God could want to do anything with me. The light at the end of the tunnel is hard to see, especially in the midst of the confusion. I must ask myself, then, which is greater in my life. My desires and hopes or God? Which is it going to be? I know that my story may not play out like Abraham's, in the end reclaiming what I was willing to lose. Yet, I have faith that by surrendering my all, I will find peace. I must place my faith in Him. He will lead me to where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing with whom I need to be with. I cannot see it know. In fact, I can't even grasp how I can reach this place. But I have faith that there is such a place, and it can only be found in Him.

So, I surrender, Lord. I lay my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my plans... my very essence... once more at your feet as a sacrifice of love. Life sucks at times, right now, but I trust that You will guide me through these pains and unknowns. Here I am, Father, laid bare at Your feet. Take me and do what You will.

Reflections

Yesterday involved an enlightening experience for me. For one of my assignments for school, I am having to bring together different resources from these past four years of college to show that I have met the department goals set by the department. Well, one of the things which I decided to use where my journals. As you would expect, I had to read back through my entries so as to see if they contained anything I could use. Even though I quickly shifted through them, I was still struck by some of the things I had written.

My goodness, how I have grown and matured over these past few years. It amazes me to look back at some of the things I had written down. My outlook on life, my ability to observe and even my ability to critically think have all grown. Looking back, I can see many of my attributes being laid bare, and I can see how they were worked and refined with time. As I read, I began to realize a pattern in myself. There seemed to be a consistent relationship between two specific characteristics in myself. It appears that I am in a constant state of striving to be comfortable while always being changed.

The pattern seemed to consist of this. I reach a state in life where I am happy with things. Life is going well and I seem to be doing fine. My relationships with God and people are good. And then, something comes along which completely shifts this. Sometimes it is a sudden occurrence, taking place quickly. Other times it is a gradual process, taking place over a time. Either something comes along which challenges my perception of life and forces me to change or it is a gradual process, sometimes unseen, which slowly changes me. Either way, though, changes come. I cannot stop them, for they are a part of life.

As I see this pattern, I then realize that the pattern is once again occurring. So soonly I will be entering into the next chapter of life, ushered in by my graduation from college. And the scary thing is, I don't know what changes are taking place. I've seen my life ripped apart as each thing I have held to was taken away. This particular period of change has been one of the hardest to face. And I don't know where things are leading. Previously, I have almost always had some end goal in view, something which I could direct the changes towards. This time around, though, I see nothing. I have nothing in store for me, and I have nothing which I can ground myself in, knowing that this will come with the change. Life is simply changing, and I don't know why.

Stopping at this point, as I have been doing regularly, leaves me in a pretty bleak place. Life seems pretty miserable with everything I've held dear being stripped away. My journals have reminded me of an important part of this pattern of change. God has been and is always in control, and He has something which He is working this change towards. Even if I don't know what it is presently, I know that He is working. I may forget this fact, but that doesn't mean it is not true. Something will come of all these changes. There is something waiting for me after graduation.

Right now, though, I am left with one option in life. I need to loosen my grip on life. I have been wanting to hold on so closely to these things which have meant so much to me, these things which have become intertwined with my very life over these four years. I may not understand these changes. Shoot, right now most of them don't even make sense. And yes, this changing process is painful. I have realized, though, that I cannot lose my grip on the two things which will carry me through this time. Hope and faith. There is a future, and there is a plan. I must trust that it is so, even when I cannot see it. So, lead me on, Lord. Continue to guide me where You want.

Heart of Love

So, as of right now, things have been a bit rough for me. As has been typical of this semester, life continues to follow along its normal path of being... unpleasant. Things continue to change, whether I'd like them to or not. It feels like this whole semester has been a consistent watching of my dreams and hopes slipping away. Everything I have hoped for or looked for to seems to be running away. And I'm left asking "Why?" Why does it seem like everything I hope for doesn't seem to be possible? Why can't I have what I wish for? Why does it seem like a continual stripping by God? I have felt at times that He doesn't want me to have what I hope for. I'm not worth of such things. He simply delights in keeping things at arm's length, letting me just reach and then pulling it out of reach once again. And I'll admit this has caused a great deal of frustration and questioning directed towards Him. Why does He continue to taunt me? Why does He not allow such things to be in my life? Why does He seem to drag me along this path He's set before me, never giving light to what lies ahead? Even now I feel like I'm stumbling in the dark, grasping for something to latch on to, some point in which to direct myself. Yet there's nothing. I don't know what He has in store for me. I don't even comprehend why He continues to hound me, drawing me forward and bringing all of these things into my life. What is the point of all of this? What is the reason for all of this pain? This confusion? This frustration? This disappointment? These... unknowns? I'm having a hard time seeing the love right now.

And yet, I have been reminded of who He is. When I allow my frustrations to die down and my emotions to be calmed, I once more remember the words He once spoke to me. He does love me and He does want me to have joy and peace. I am His son, and He is my loving Father. It's not that He's trying torment me, denying all that I desire and hope for. That is not the purpose in all of this. In fact, that is not why these situations have played out as they have. This is simply how things are. I can question all I want, seeking for answers which I may never have. But I am realizing that is not what is most productive. I have a hard time saying this, especially because I do not want to lose what I once had. But that is what change is... letting go of once was and moving forward to what lies ahead. Do I approve? Do I enjoy this? No. But do I accept it? ....... Yes. I know that He has been faithful before, bringing about good, even in the midst of pain. And I must believe that He is continuing to do so even now. I don't understand or comprehend. I cannot see what lies ahead. Right now, it all is blanketed by darkness. Yet God moves in the darkness, leading me on one step at a time. I'm reminded of Hebrews 11, where the author speaks of those pillars of faith. They did not see what laid ahead. In fact, many of them faced discouragement on constant basis. Yet, they did not falter in their faith towards the Father. They knew that He had given them His promise, and they knew that He was faithful in fulfilling His promises. And so they held on to the promise, placing their faith in His guidance. Even though they did not see the end, receive what they wished for or even knew what their next step was, they pressed on in light of their faith.

In these same ways, I must hold to those truths which I know. I know from past experience that God has been faithful to me, providing me what I needed when I needed it and even allowing me to experience joy and happiness. He has provided for me when I have needed it, even thought it hasn't always been in the way I expected. He has been my constant companion, present even when I feel utterly alone and abandoned. He has brought me through trials and difficulties. He has helped me to shoulder and conquer those burdens which have been placed on me. Even in my weakness He has chosen to partner with me. I have seen His glory shine out of the darkness. I have seen His hope continue even in the midst of adversity. I have been blessed to have friends come into my life when I have needed them, people who have truly loved and cared for me, standing by me even in my darkest hours. They have supported and encouraged me, pulling me forward when I have felt like collapsing under the weight my hopelessness and loneliness. I have never truly been alone, for I have always had someone there who allows me to open my heart to them. I have experienced love. And, above all, I have a Father who truly and deeply loves me, more than all others. He has made me, stitched me together and filled me with His Spirit, creating the unique person who is Ben. He has loved me for what I am, flawed and broken that I am. He continues to guide and lead me, helping me through these times when I have been broken and feel like giving up. He is faithful. And He loves me. I must never forget this.

There is always love.

Ramblings of a Ben

As I sit here, trying to think about what to write out, I keep drawing a blank. I want to share my heart, to pour out what is going on in its inner recesses. Yet, I don't know how to draw forth from it. There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around right now, I many times feel like I'm simply drowning. What I find, though, is that in these times of not knowing what to say, it is best to simply start writing and let the words take me wherever they may. So, I shall do just that.

This season of life right now seems to be one of reoccurring pain, hurt and uncertainty. Much of this comes from the fact that I, last semester, started to do some planning. I began to shape in my mind what this coming final semester at university would look like. I had this ideal image of how everything would play out. That, I realize, was a foolish thing to do. It would seem that whenever I start to figure out how something will play out, life simply takes a completely different turn. Decisions are made, actions taken and feelings experienced which alter the course life is on. Upon arriving back at school, I quickly discovered that this was the case. As the semester has played out, I have been continually reminded with how foolish it was for me to get my hopes up. Life here has been much much different than expected, and I have had difficulty adapting. What has been filling my heart as of late has simply been the pains of loss, of regret, of doubts, of failures...

And now, with around 5 weeks left in the semester, I find myself in no better a situation. I have as of yet no future plans for life. I certainly have hopes, and I am pursuing these ideas. But nothing has been laid for certain. And I am simply looking at life right now, and it does seem rather bleak. What awaits me after graduation? What grand thing will I be doing with my life? Will I actually make any difference in someone's life? Right now, I see no difference that I can make. Many times I simply feel that I could back away from people and it would make no difference. To say the least, feelings of worth are as of right now somewhat low. I suppose that simply comes from having ones ideas dashed upon the rocks of reality and then finding yourself struggling to once again looking for something to shoot for.

Life has been thrown into chaos for me. I don't know where I am going, simply being tossed about by the waves of the sea. But, in the midst of this, I keep trying to take a hold of the one solid thing in my life. Constantly I am told that God is for me, that He is my rock and my strength. I know this. It is so hard, though, to put it into practice. When things look bleak and there's nothing to shoot for, God's light can be hard to spot. But it is there. I keep catching glimpses of it. So, I simply cry out to Him. I cry for Him to be my strength when I have none. I cry for Him to be my joy when I have none. I cry for Him to continue drawing me forward and into what the future holds when I would rather curl up and admit defeat. I cry out to Him in my desperation. And then... I wait. I wait upon Him. I echo David's psalm when he said "Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me; O Lord, be my helper." There is still joy. There is still hope. There is still love. It has simply been... tougher to draw out right now. Just as the seasons pass, so too will this pass. He is faithful, and He remains faithful even when I am not.

The Goodness of Friday

Today is, as many might already know, Good Friday. I find this title somewhat ironic. It's called good, but in reality there wasn't much goodness taking place on the day this holiday represents. Humanity's sin took a shot at the blameless Lord... and what a shot it took. Beaten, mocked, abandoned by His closest friends, struck down and even being forsaken by the Father. What a completely desolate state He had to have found Himself in during this day. Sorrow and blood flowing mingled down like a river...

And to top this all off, my own fists are counted in the blows being dished out. True, I wasn't there and I didn't physically throw a single blow. Yet, my sin was present and accounted for on that tree. Jesus took the full weight of my sin upon Himself, taking it all the way to the cross. And to top this all off, I still continue to sin. I am slapping Christ full across the face with my actions. With this in mind, what goodness is there in Friday? Why would we want to remember such a low point in human history, the day we crucified our Lord and Saviour?

The answer comes in what today stands for, and for the accompanying Sunday. By taking the cross, Jesus has paid the ultimate price for me. He paid the debt which I could never even come close to paying off. My actions and shortcomings had separated me from God. Yet, the shedding off His blood has completely wiped my slate clean. God incarnate, the only begotten Son, took my punishment. Now I can approach God and enter into His presence fully. I can have a true relationship with the Father because Christ took my punishment. And not only did He take the punishment, but the grave couldn't hold Him! How amazing is that! Death itself has been conquered! It no longer has a hold over me. If that is not good, then I don't know what is. Shoot, I don't know if good does it enough justice...

These past few months have been, to put it simply, rough for me. I have had to do a lot of soul searching. I've been dragged into doing a lot of looking within myself, and I haven't exactly been thrilled by what I've found. I have encountered full on the darkness within my own soul. At times, I have felt like there hasn't been much of a light within me. I saw myself as worthless and pathetic. Yet, when all else seemed to fall away, there was still a light simmering in the darkness. At times it was nothing more than a slight glimmer at the corner of my eye. No matter how much it tried, though, the darkness could not extinguish the light. This light has been the hope, love and acceptance found in Christ. I have this hope because of what happened on this day.

His sacrifice has given me new life. He has rescued me from myself... and I praise Him with all my heart for this. He is my risen Lord and Saviour. With this in mind, how can I call this Friday anything but "good"? It truly is a Friday of Goodness.

Taking Out the Rubbish

Well, this week has been one of... ahh.... intense emotion. But, that seems to be the norm for me right now. Life goes up and down, bringing joys and sorrows. If you've have even scanned the past few posts, then you know this. Looking ahead and at my present situation, it simply seems like I'm cruising, unsure of where to go next and what I am doing that could be counted worthwhile. But this is not what I am wanting to share at this time. Instead, I want to share a reminder that I received this week.

This reminder concerns how big God and how mighty God truly is. This week brought with it a lot of self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness and many, many questions concerning myself. It was, to put it simply, quite dark. Yet, in the midst of that darkness, God was there. And He was working in and through all of that. I know that these thoughts were not of God. Yet, He was able to work through them. And how He worked was truly beautiful. I don't know about you, but my first reaction when I see a problem is to try and fix it. As people share something with me, I'm only half listening at times. While they talk, I am forming a responses and searching for a way to insert my opinion on the matter. The idea is that if my thoughts can simply be shared, then the problem can be fixed. True, outside insight into a situation can be beneficial, but sometimes it is not what is needed.

This week God took a different approach. He simply let me rage. He let the thoughts roll, the questions come, the doubts swirl and the tears of flow. He allowed all that was inside of me to come forth into the open. I threw it all at Him. And through it all, He remained unshaken. He easily withstood the onslaught of my emotions. By simply standing, listening and taking it all on Him, He was able to draw out the bile which had been festering. After I had exhausted myself, He asked "Are you done?" From there, He took the next step. And the best way to put this next step would simply be to describe it as an embrace. True, that is a weak way to describe it. But that's the best way I can put it into words. He didn't really correct any of my thoughts. he didn't answer my questions. Instead He gave me His comforting Spirit and His peace. Yes, things aren't pleasant right now. Yes, I don't know what's going on. Yes, it can be hard to see the joy and hope of life at times. But no matter what comes, it is still there. He is still in control and He does not leave. Unlike people, He does not change.

Looking at what I've written, I have to be honest about this. I wasn't sure where I was going with all of this. Reading back through what was written, I want to share what I have learned with you. Remember that God is in control. He is sovereign. And He is so much bigger than anything you could possibly face. Even in the bleakest darkness, He is still present and working. Don't be afraid to doubt or question. Throw your worst at Him. He can take it. I, for one, am glad I follow a God who can take my crap.

God of Sorrows, God of Joy

Sometimes, I find myself having days such as today. The gloom settles in and I find myself desperate for some sign of significance in my life. What worth do I really contribute? What is my significance? It seems to me like all I have to offer is trivial. Life only brings weariness and gloom. It is hard to press on. Life in general seems to continue plodding along. And i find sorrow after sorrow coming my way. Constant change, losing of relationships, doubts of myself and my abilities, doubts of my significance. To some it up, life becomes synonymous grief.

Yet, I am finding that it is this grief which enriches life. In the midst of this depression, in the midst of this abandonment, in the midst of this night of doubt in myself and my significance in life, there is a richness which is expressed. It is hard, oh so hard, to see while in the midst of this time. But, as I step back and survey what is going on, I can see where God is working. These times must come. They are simply a part of life. No, there are not directly from God. But He does allow them. He allows these times to enter into my life so as to refine me. These times are the major times of growth. They are the times when I am completely broken down to my very foundation. My life and my perception of what is going on around me completely changes. Only by allowing me to have my very core broken down can God then come back in and rebuild.

This has become my hope. Right now, I only see the grief, sorrow, desperation, abandonment and loneliness. I question what has happened. I ask why this is happening to me. What brought about these crappy events? And I also find myself asking why He refuses to give up on me. Why, when I see nothing worthwhile in myself, is He still persistent in pursuing me? There's nothing good that I have to offer as far as I am concerned. I self-absorbed, concerned with my own feelings, desires and comfort. I see no reasonable way that I can positively affect those that encounter me. I only see the bad taste which I must leave in their mouth. But still He seems convinced that there is some good in me that I have to offer.

He keeps after me. He continues to find these little ways to stretch and grow me. He still reveals to me that He is present. He's never given up and He continues to teach me. I can't understand why. I have no clue why, when all seems hopeless, He still steps in and reminds me that there is hope. I've simply become too distracted to see it. And I suppose that is the lesson I am gaining from this time in my life. There is always hope. That cannot fully die. The hope will always live on. His sovereignty has never diminished. He is just as in control of things as when I first started on my journey with Him. He can take all of my anger, frustration, sorrow, grief and crying out in pain. He is big enough to handle it. I need reminded, just as Job needed, that He is much bigger than I sometimes think Him to be. And He is on my side. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I feel like and am going through, He is still in control, He is still fighting for me and He will continue to lead me along this path I call life. As these times pass, joy will come again. These times of sorrow simply work to make those times of joy oh so much sweeter. Without these two contrasts, life would be bland. Sure, it's not fun at the time. Shoot, it's not even fun when the time has passed. But it is what makes life so full. God is the God of both sorrow and joy. He has created both seasons, and He is within both seasons. He just has to be sought. But He is there.

Winter's Chill

Our lives have been compared many times with the seasons of the year. We will at times experience growth, renewal and fresh starts, much akin to spring. Other times, we are nicely cruising. Everything is going well and life seems joyous, much like those times of summer warmth and sun. And then there are those times of winter. The times of cold and standstill. Life outside has come to a halt, entering into an almost state of death. Things come to an end and life almost seems bleak with the color and joy seeming to be drained from the world around us.

Right now I feel like I have entered into a major time of winter in my life. Since about... mid-November I'd say... I have been getting hit by one thing after another. Granted, some are bigger issues than others. Yet, each one has simply worked to build up the stack already sitting on my heart. I've had major stretching occur in my own life, working to challenge and bring to light many of my habits and attributes which aren't honorable. I've had hopes and dreams which I was looking forward to come crashing down around me. I've found myself unsure of what the future holds. This is especially nerve-wracking when I look and see graduation looming so near. I've come to experience a sense of being homeless over these past few months. Having jumped locations frequently, I haven't had time to put down any significant roots. The moment I start to get settled in I'm picked up and replanting elsewhere. This has simply led to the feeling of not being home anywhere. Nothing seems familiar any more. Even being back at uni has been bittersweet. I was so looking forward to getting back here and settling back in with college life. Yet, things have changed. Or, better put, I have changed. I realize that I am no longer a college student. I enjoy the classes, but my mindset has shifted. I find myself unsure of where I fit in any more. Among all of these things, I find myself encountering regularly low-confidence, doubts, fear, worry, anxiety, loneliness, worthlessness, abandonment and a lack of direction, among other things. I feel like I've hit a snowdrift and have gotten stuck there in the ditch. I'm stuck, and I see no way out.

When one looks at the winter time, it can look bleak. Yet there is also an incredible amount of beauty which can be seen during this season. There are so many things which whisper of the Creator's touch when one takes the time to listen. The gentle falling of the snow among the forest's trees. The reflection of the sun through the icicles hanging from the roof. And there is even grown a deeper appreciation for the coming of spring. Without the contrast of the one, the other could not be fully realized for what it brings.

This time of winter in my own life works in this same way. Although things seem bleak and hopeless, with dreams and ideas seemingly crashing around me, I find that God is still whispering through the midst of all of this. He has not abandoned me. He is still very real and present. These are times of growth. It seems so cliche to simply say that, but I find that it is very true. God brings us to and through these times, not to leave us desperate and in pain but to teach us, stretch us and draw us closer to Himself. During the good times, it becomes easy to simply rely on my own strength to make do. Why not? Everything is going great so I might as well just keep doing what I'm doing. But that's not how it should be. I'm called to depend on Him fully and completely. But as long as I think I'm doing great, why would I change? These times work to call me back to dependence on Him. In my weakness, He is made strong. This time of life is a time of death for those things in me which need to pass away.

Only then will my heart be ready for the new growth which will come in the thawing of spring. Then, the loneliness, the worthlessness, the loss of hope and dreams, the essence of being homeless will pass away. Instead, I will know community, true worth, a resurgence of of a mind to dream and hope for the future and the the finding of a place I can call home. This time has yet to come though. I'm still in the midst of winter. I'm still bundled up against the chill of life. But I have His warm embrace to fight the chill. He is the one which I need to depend on now.

Spirit of Poverty

So, in my own personal reading, I decided to take up a specific focus. I wanted to work through Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, specifically concentrating on the Beatitudes. I want to take time to reflect on each one in turn, digging in deeper and using different commentaries to get some further info on what is being taught here.

The first one, for those wondering, is "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

One of the first things I have come to learn about the Beatitudes is that these are not attitudes or actions which a person may perform like a checklist; once the action or state has been reached, then it can be ticked off. What Jesus was teaching is that these are things which should naturally come out of our walk with Him. We should already be living in a spirit of poverty. Following Him means we become poor in spirit.

What exactly is meant by poor in spirit, though? As I read, I have come to learn that the poverty spoken of here is not someone who is tightly pressed for finances, nor is it someone who has chosen to give up a few things for the sake of another. No, the poverty spoken of by Jesus is an absolute poverty. The person has had no choice in the matter. They have found themselves fully and completely left in absolute poverty. They are fully dependent on others for their very survival. And we as Christians have been called to such a spiritual life of this poverty. We are to be utterly wrecked, realizing that on our own we can do and achieve nothing for we have nothing. We are desolate. We are humbled. And we are dependent on God. He is the source of our very livelihood. When we are poor in spirit, we come to realize that we have to fully and completely depend on God in all aspects of our spiritual life. He is the one guiding and leading it. We bring nothing to the table. Instead, it is all Him.

Man, reading this, I once again realize just how clingy I am. I keep wanting to hold on to my rubbish spirituality. I keep thinking I have something worthwhile to bring to the table. Yet, I don't. I have nothing. I need to let go of the filth I still hold on to. I need to reach out to Him, the Great Provider. He is the ultimate source. I seem to forget this so easily. I get so caught up in my little world of worries and desires. This false wealth needs to be let go of. Even more so I need to get rid of this false poverty. I keep thinking I am poor, having handed it all over to God. Yet, I still have that little bit of fool's gold which I'm holding on to, just in case. That's not true poverty. True poverty is having nothing and being fully and utterly dependent on Him.

Now, I said these are not little lists which I can follow to be a better boy. They are lifestyles which flow out of relationship with my Savior. Draw me closer to You, Lord. Help me to learn to be completely reliant and dependent on You.

Make this my prayer.

Running Nowhere

I find myself in a strange place right now. Having come back from my internship which lasted these past 7 months, I now find myself re-entering into the world of a student. Once more I am going to class and sitting for an hour or so at a time. A year ago, I was okay with this pattern of life. I could handle simply going to class and then hanging around the dorms for the rest of the day. This time around, though, I find myself growing anxious about a great many things.

I just returned from engaging and entering into the world of young people. Almost every day of the week I was at the youth project and working with the young people. I was giving of myself on an almost daily basis. That was my day. And I'll be honest... there I felt I had a purpose. But now, being back on campus, I'm not sure what my purpose in life is. I'm going to class. I come back to the house. I have fun being with my mates again. But what difference am I making? What worthwhile thing am I doing with my time here? And as these thoughts continue to fester around in my mind, it just adds to the bit of... bleak feeling I've had for the past wee while now.

I don't know where I'm going. I feel like I've been blindfolded and I'm just stumbling along through life. I have no clear direction in which to proceed. Add to that the fact that I somewhat feel like life has taken a major dump on me lately. It's just been several disappointments and unexpected let downs which add up to this current feeling. I find myself standing here, arms lifted up and crying, "What now, God?" I'm having a hard time seeing where exactly He is leading me right now. What I was hoping for isn't exactly coming to fruition, but I suppose I should almost expect that by this time in life. Things don't always work out like I may have planned for them.

But it's then at this point of time that I have to check myself. It can become so easy for me to fall into this pattern of feeling sorry for myself. God has been taking care of me up to now. And He is going to continue to take care of me and lead me to where I should be. I just have to trust and continue to give myself over to Him. Yes, this may mean that my schedule, plans, hopes and dreams must be sacrificed. I need to accept this. As I have learned so well this past 7 months, God likes to work in unexpected ways.

So, I guess that is where I find myself right now. I'm waiting. I'm in stasis for the next few months. During this time, I need to engage with where I am at now. This is a time for learning. There is still some stretching and growing which needs to take place. But there is some work which still needs done; some refining by fire, if you will. I'm not really looking forward to this, that's for sure. Being worked over in the fire isn't exactly my idea of a thrilling time. Yet, this is where I find me. I know that tomorrow will come and that God will continue to lead me on. I simply need to rely on His guiding light. So, yeah... although I feel like I'm stuck on a treadmill, I'm going to keep on chugging forward. It's time to pick up my feet and keep running the path set before me.

As Rafiki said...

Well, the it appears that my journey has finally come full circle. As I sit here in the flat on this gray, rainy day in Scotland, I begin to think about tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day I am heading back to the States. My internship here has run it's course and now is the time for me to move on to the next chapter in my life.

For a while, I have had a fair amount of grief with the fact that I am leaving. I have learned so much being here. I have grown more confident in myself and my abilities. I have pushed myself to become more assertive and to not shy away from conflict. I have had my mind expanded in regards to youth work. I have learned new theories and ideas concerning effective youth work. And I have had my nice, little perceptions of God completely blown out of the water. He has once more proven to me just how big and in control He truly is. He has worked in so many ways here, growing and pushing me beyond where I had settled down. He's placed me in situations which have made me look at myself and what I believe and realize just how absurd I was to think that. Yet, He has also constantly reminded me just how much He loves. He has shown so much grace, acceptance and comfort through the young people I have encountered here. Having gone through all of these things here in Dundee makes me sad to leave. I have developed such good relationships with people here. I have made a home here.

As I think about leaving, though, the words of the wise baboon from my youth echoes through my ears. We all remember that blue-bottomed fountain of guidance from our past. There's a certain quote from Rafiki which simply seems appropriate at this time. Rafiki, when explaining Simba's departure to the others, used 3 simple words which certainly resonate with me at this time. I feel they work well in my own situation. These words are simply this. "It is time."

It is time for me to journey on to the next chapter of my life. No, I don't fully know what the future is going to hold. But I know I need to press on. The growth and learning which the time here was for has happened. I've made steps forward in becoming the man God wants me to be. I can look back at see those instances in which I have grown. But it is time to move on to what He has in store next. I can't stay here. I need to allow myself to continue to be stretched and moved further along in my growth. So, with that in mind, I not only set off tomorrow on my flights, but I also set out on the next leg of this journey called life.

With that in mind, I want to thank you all for being a part of this experience with me. It has been good to share my thoughts and processing with you through this blog. Yeah, it wasn't exactly the most regularly update thing, but I was able to share bits and pieces with you. And I thank you for your support. Even though my time on PRIME is over, I do still plan on trying to update my blog in some sort of regular fashion. I'd like to continue to share my insights, thoughts and processing from life with you all. I won't be sending out notices for when I update, but if you check back regularly, hopefully you'll find something. And if not, just yell at me and I'll try and do some writing.

Cheers, all!

Hi, I'm a Hermit Crab

I'm not sure how many of you have ever made it to the beach. If you have had this amazing experience, then you may have noticed a little creature crawling along the beach. This little guy is the hermit crab. I find these guys fascinating. They crawl along the beach, going about their merry little way, content with the shell which they are lugging around. Yet, for such a little creature, the world can be a scary place. There's so much out there waiting to hurt or even eat them. And they know it. If you've ever come upon a hermit crab, you'll find that any outside disturbance of their environment will result in them pulling back and hiding in their shell. They don't want to get hurt, and thus pull away from any change. They are most comfortable with the norm.

In many ways, I find myself with a very similar attitude as the hermit crab. I don't like change, especially when I'm not the one choosing to bring it about. I like settling into a routine and seeking to keep things the same. When the status quo is kept, then I can relax and become comfortable. I don't have to reach out into others lives. I don't have to embrace the pain which is life. As long as I can live like a hermit crab, alone and safe in my shell, then I don't have to worry about getting hurt.

As I've have learned throughout my past 6 months here in Scotland, though, the life of a hermit crab is not a fulfilling one. Yes, I won't have any heart ache or mental anguish. But it's through these experiences that God steps in and causes growth. Changes are hard to face when they start stirring up the world around me. Yet, when we lean on God and embrace the growing pains around me, then I can fully appreciate the joys I experience too. Life isn't always pain and hurt. It is also full of hope and joy.

At times I forget this little fact. Yet, He gently reminds me that I need to let go, to allow myself to give over my futile grip on the things around me so that He can once more move and work. As I sit here this morning, writing this blog out, I find myself at another one of these moments where I have to decide to either let go and fall into His arms or scurry back into my little shell and hide. I've got about a week left here in Scotland. Soon I'll be journeying back to the States to finish off my last semester, then I'll be graduating and entering the "real world". Add on top of that the pain I encounter with the young people here and my own personal issues and I see a lot of things I could easily pull away from, so as to save myself heartache. It's easier to duck away rather than face head on the suffering around me.

But that's not what I'm called to. I'm not called to be a hermit crab. Instead, I'm called to be God's hands and feet in a world crying out for hope and acceptance. I can't allow myself to become wrapped up in my own security issues. Instead, I need to embrace the pain in my heart, hand my anxiety over to Him and then allow myself to be carried away by the wave of change as it crashes on top of me. Yes, it can be frightening. But, in His hands, I think I can find peace.