Winter's Chill

Our lives have been compared many times with the seasons of the year. We will at times experience growth, renewal and fresh starts, much akin to spring. Other times, we are nicely cruising. Everything is going well and life seems joyous, much like those times of summer warmth and sun. And then there are those times of winter. The times of cold and standstill. Life outside has come to a halt, entering into an almost state of death. Things come to an end and life almost seems bleak with the color and joy seeming to be drained from the world around us.

Right now I feel like I have entered into a major time of winter in my life. Since about... mid-November I'd say... I have been getting hit by one thing after another. Granted, some are bigger issues than others. Yet, each one has simply worked to build up the stack already sitting on my heart. I've had major stretching occur in my own life, working to challenge and bring to light many of my habits and attributes which aren't honorable. I've had hopes and dreams which I was looking forward to come crashing down around me. I've found myself unsure of what the future holds. This is especially nerve-wracking when I look and see graduation looming so near. I've come to experience a sense of being homeless over these past few months. Having jumped locations frequently, I haven't had time to put down any significant roots. The moment I start to get settled in I'm picked up and replanting elsewhere. This has simply led to the feeling of not being home anywhere. Nothing seems familiar any more. Even being back at uni has been bittersweet. I was so looking forward to getting back here and settling back in with college life. Yet, things have changed. Or, better put, I have changed. I realize that I am no longer a college student. I enjoy the classes, but my mindset has shifted. I find myself unsure of where I fit in any more. Among all of these things, I find myself encountering regularly low-confidence, doubts, fear, worry, anxiety, loneliness, worthlessness, abandonment and a lack of direction, among other things. I feel like I've hit a snowdrift and have gotten stuck there in the ditch. I'm stuck, and I see no way out.

When one looks at the winter time, it can look bleak. Yet there is also an incredible amount of beauty which can be seen during this season. There are so many things which whisper of the Creator's touch when one takes the time to listen. The gentle falling of the snow among the forest's trees. The reflection of the sun through the icicles hanging from the roof. And there is even grown a deeper appreciation for the coming of spring. Without the contrast of the one, the other could not be fully realized for what it brings.

This time of winter in my own life works in this same way. Although things seem bleak and hopeless, with dreams and ideas seemingly crashing around me, I find that God is still whispering through the midst of all of this. He has not abandoned me. He is still very real and present. These are times of growth. It seems so cliche to simply say that, but I find that it is very true. God brings us to and through these times, not to leave us desperate and in pain but to teach us, stretch us and draw us closer to Himself. During the good times, it becomes easy to simply rely on my own strength to make do. Why not? Everything is going great so I might as well just keep doing what I'm doing. But that's not how it should be. I'm called to depend on Him fully and completely. But as long as I think I'm doing great, why would I change? These times work to call me back to dependence on Him. In my weakness, He is made strong. This time of life is a time of death for those things in me which need to pass away.

Only then will my heart be ready for the new growth which will come in the thawing of spring. Then, the loneliness, the worthlessness, the loss of hope and dreams, the essence of being homeless will pass away. Instead, I will know community, true worth, a resurgence of of a mind to dream and hope for the future and the the finding of a place I can call home. This time has yet to come though. I'm still in the midst of winter. I'm still bundled up against the chill of life. But I have His warm embrace to fight the chill. He is the one which I need to depend on now.