Sacrifice

In Genesis 22, there is an account of Abraham which I find interesting. Isaac was Abraham's son, the son of Sarah and heir to the promise from God. Abraham had placed all of his hopes, dreams, desires and faith in Isaac, this boy of promise. Born in his old age when it seemed impossible, Isaac was the evidence of God working in Abraham and fulfilling His promise to him. Yet, one day God up and asks Abraham to take Isaac and offer him up as a sacrifice. Although it does not mention it, I am almost sure that Abraham's human nature would be coming to the forefront here. Here was this boy in whom all of these hopes and dreams were wrapped up in and God was asking him to give him up. Abraham was asked to give up, to sacrifice his very hopes and dreams, all of his desires, to Him. There had to be a sense of "What the heck, God?! Why are you asking this of me? Why are you putting me in this position? Why are you, after giving me what I have so sought for, taking it away from me?" I'm almost positive these thoughts crossed Abraham's mind when he heard this request. Yet, even in this midst of this confusing request, he still packed up and set out with Isaac, preparing to give the boy over to Him.

Abraham placed his whole faith in God, trusting that He knew what He was doing in asking for such a thing. I'm sure during those few days of journeying out he kept thinking through these things, either hoping to hear God say that that was good enough and that He had something else in mind or that He had some miraculous way of working through this circumstance and still fulfilling His promise. Yet, no word was spoken to him. So he kept on traveling forward, staying faithful to what God had asked. Abraham remained faithful to the very end, even taking laying hold of the knife so that he could kill his son, his desire, his love, his hope and future. Abraham put God above and beyond his own hopes and dreams. He was willing to sacrifice them for His sake.

As some might know, the end of this account ends happily. God stops Abraham before he strikes and tells him that He is satisfied, that He sees he would not even hold back his own desires from Him. God was first and foremost in Abraham's life. While I do not have son nor do I have some outstanding promise made to me from above, I do feel at times that I am facing a similar call. This past semester, as has been observed, has been one of constant stripping away for me. My hopes, dreams, desires and plans for the future have been continually stripped away. At times I feel like everything I hope for is taken away from me. And I am left asking "Why, God?" Why does it seem like I cannot have anything that I want? Why does it seem like life continues to work out for every other person except me? Where is the peace towards life which I so desire? Things I hoped for have fallen away. Plans for the future have run to nothing. I am facing a future fully unknown within the next few weeks. But then I consider Abraham...

He was willing to hand all over to Him, finding his peace in the knowledge that God was in control and that He did have a plan, even if he was not privy to this plan. Even in the midst of what had to be mental and emotional anguish over the loss of what he held so dear, Abraham still handed Isaac over to God. I don't know what will come of these current situations. I find it difficult at times to even see how God could want to do anything with me. The light at the end of the tunnel is hard to see, especially in the midst of the confusion. I must ask myself, then, which is greater in my life. My desires and hopes or God? Which is it going to be? I know that my story may not play out like Abraham's, in the end reclaiming what I was willing to lose. Yet, I have faith that by surrendering my all, I will find peace. I must place my faith in Him. He will lead me to where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing with whom I need to be with. I cannot see it know. In fact, I can't even grasp how I can reach this place. But I have faith that there is such a place, and it can only be found in Him.

So, I surrender, Lord. I lay my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my plans... my very essence... once more at your feet as a sacrifice of love. Life sucks at times, right now, but I trust that You will guide me through these pains and unknowns. Here I am, Father, laid bare at Your feet. Take me and do what You will.

Reflections

Yesterday involved an enlightening experience for me. For one of my assignments for school, I am having to bring together different resources from these past four years of college to show that I have met the department goals set by the department. Well, one of the things which I decided to use where my journals. As you would expect, I had to read back through my entries so as to see if they contained anything I could use. Even though I quickly shifted through them, I was still struck by some of the things I had written.

My goodness, how I have grown and matured over these past few years. It amazes me to look back at some of the things I had written down. My outlook on life, my ability to observe and even my ability to critically think have all grown. Looking back, I can see many of my attributes being laid bare, and I can see how they were worked and refined with time. As I read, I began to realize a pattern in myself. There seemed to be a consistent relationship between two specific characteristics in myself. It appears that I am in a constant state of striving to be comfortable while always being changed.

The pattern seemed to consist of this. I reach a state in life where I am happy with things. Life is going well and I seem to be doing fine. My relationships with God and people are good. And then, something comes along which completely shifts this. Sometimes it is a sudden occurrence, taking place quickly. Other times it is a gradual process, taking place over a time. Either something comes along which challenges my perception of life and forces me to change or it is a gradual process, sometimes unseen, which slowly changes me. Either way, though, changes come. I cannot stop them, for they are a part of life.

As I see this pattern, I then realize that the pattern is once again occurring. So soonly I will be entering into the next chapter of life, ushered in by my graduation from college. And the scary thing is, I don't know what changes are taking place. I've seen my life ripped apart as each thing I have held to was taken away. This particular period of change has been one of the hardest to face. And I don't know where things are leading. Previously, I have almost always had some end goal in view, something which I could direct the changes towards. This time around, though, I see nothing. I have nothing in store for me, and I have nothing which I can ground myself in, knowing that this will come with the change. Life is simply changing, and I don't know why.

Stopping at this point, as I have been doing regularly, leaves me in a pretty bleak place. Life seems pretty miserable with everything I've held dear being stripped away. My journals have reminded me of an important part of this pattern of change. God has been and is always in control, and He has something which He is working this change towards. Even if I don't know what it is presently, I know that He is working. I may forget this fact, but that doesn't mean it is not true. Something will come of all these changes. There is something waiting for me after graduation.

Right now, though, I am left with one option in life. I need to loosen my grip on life. I have been wanting to hold on so closely to these things which have meant so much to me, these things which have become intertwined with my very life over these four years. I may not understand these changes. Shoot, right now most of them don't even make sense. And yes, this changing process is painful. I have realized, though, that I cannot lose my grip on the two things which will carry me through this time. Hope and faith. There is a future, and there is a plan. I must trust that it is so, even when I cannot see it. So, lead me on, Lord. Continue to guide me where You want.

Heart of Love

So, as of right now, things have been a bit rough for me. As has been typical of this semester, life continues to follow along its normal path of being... unpleasant. Things continue to change, whether I'd like them to or not. It feels like this whole semester has been a consistent watching of my dreams and hopes slipping away. Everything I have hoped for or looked for to seems to be running away. And I'm left asking "Why?" Why does it seem like everything I hope for doesn't seem to be possible? Why can't I have what I wish for? Why does it seem like a continual stripping by God? I have felt at times that He doesn't want me to have what I hope for. I'm not worth of such things. He simply delights in keeping things at arm's length, letting me just reach and then pulling it out of reach once again. And I'll admit this has caused a great deal of frustration and questioning directed towards Him. Why does He continue to taunt me? Why does He not allow such things to be in my life? Why does He seem to drag me along this path He's set before me, never giving light to what lies ahead? Even now I feel like I'm stumbling in the dark, grasping for something to latch on to, some point in which to direct myself. Yet there's nothing. I don't know what He has in store for me. I don't even comprehend why He continues to hound me, drawing me forward and bringing all of these things into my life. What is the point of all of this? What is the reason for all of this pain? This confusion? This frustration? This disappointment? These... unknowns? I'm having a hard time seeing the love right now.

And yet, I have been reminded of who He is. When I allow my frustrations to die down and my emotions to be calmed, I once more remember the words He once spoke to me. He does love me and He does want me to have joy and peace. I am His son, and He is my loving Father. It's not that He's trying torment me, denying all that I desire and hope for. That is not the purpose in all of this. In fact, that is not why these situations have played out as they have. This is simply how things are. I can question all I want, seeking for answers which I may never have. But I am realizing that is not what is most productive. I have a hard time saying this, especially because I do not want to lose what I once had. But that is what change is... letting go of once was and moving forward to what lies ahead. Do I approve? Do I enjoy this? No. But do I accept it? ....... Yes. I know that He has been faithful before, bringing about good, even in the midst of pain. And I must believe that He is continuing to do so even now. I don't understand or comprehend. I cannot see what lies ahead. Right now, it all is blanketed by darkness. Yet God moves in the darkness, leading me on one step at a time. I'm reminded of Hebrews 11, where the author speaks of those pillars of faith. They did not see what laid ahead. In fact, many of them faced discouragement on constant basis. Yet, they did not falter in their faith towards the Father. They knew that He had given them His promise, and they knew that He was faithful in fulfilling His promises. And so they held on to the promise, placing their faith in His guidance. Even though they did not see the end, receive what they wished for or even knew what their next step was, they pressed on in light of their faith.

In these same ways, I must hold to those truths which I know. I know from past experience that God has been faithful to me, providing me what I needed when I needed it and even allowing me to experience joy and happiness. He has provided for me when I have needed it, even thought it hasn't always been in the way I expected. He has been my constant companion, present even when I feel utterly alone and abandoned. He has brought me through trials and difficulties. He has helped me to shoulder and conquer those burdens which have been placed on me. Even in my weakness He has chosen to partner with me. I have seen His glory shine out of the darkness. I have seen His hope continue even in the midst of adversity. I have been blessed to have friends come into my life when I have needed them, people who have truly loved and cared for me, standing by me even in my darkest hours. They have supported and encouraged me, pulling me forward when I have felt like collapsing under the weight my hopelessness and loneliness. I have never truly been alone, for I have always had someone there who allows me to open my heart to them. I have experienced love. And, above all, I have a Father who truly and deeply loves me, more than all others. He has made me, stitched me together and filled me with His Spirit, creating the unique person who is Ben. He has loved me for what I am, flawed and broken that I am. He continues to guide and lead me, helping me through these times when I have been broken and feel like giving up. He is faithful. And He loves me. I must never forget this.

There is always love.

Ramblings of a Ben

As I sit here, trying to think about what to write out, I keep drawing a blank. I want to share my heart, to pour out what is going on in its inner recesses. Yet, I don't know how to draw forth from it. There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around right now, I many times feel like I'm simply drowning. What I find, though, is that in these times of not knowing what to say, it is best to simply start writing and let the words take me wherever they may. So, I shall do just that.

This season of life right now seems to be one of reoccurring pain, hurt and uncertainty. Much of this comes from the fact that I, last semester, started to do some planning. I began to shape in my mind what this coming final semester at university would look like. I had this ideal image of how everything would play out. That, I realize, was a foolish thing to do. It would seem that whenever I start to figure out how something will play out, life simply takes a completely different turn. Decisions are made, actions taken and feelings experienced which alter the course life is on. Upon arriving back at school, I quickly discovered that this was the case. As the semester has played out, I have been continually reminded with how foolish it was for me to get my hopes up. Life here has been much much different than expected, and I have had difficulty adapting. What has been filling my heart as of late has simply been the pains of loss, of regret, of doubts, of failures...

And now, with around 5 weeks left in the semester, I find myself in no better a situation. I have as of yet no future plans for life. I certainly have hopes, and I am pursuing these ideas. But nothing has been laid for certain. And I am simply looking at life right now, and it does seem rather bleak. What awaits me after graduation? What grand thing will I be doing with my life? Will I actually make any difference in someone's life? Right now, I see no difference that I can make. Many times I simply feel that I could back away from people and it would make no difference. To say the least, feelings of worth are as of right now somewhat low. I suppose that simply comes from having ones ideas dashed upon the rocks of reality and then finding yourself struggling to once again looking for something to shoot for.

Life has been thrown into chaos for me. I don't know where I am going, simply being tossed about by the waves of the sea. But, in the midst of this, I keep trying to take a hold of the one solid thing in my life. Constantly I am told that God is for me, that He is my rock and my strength. I know this. It is so hard, though, to put it into practice. When things look bleak and there's nothing to shoot for, God's light can be hard to spot. But it is there. I keep catching glimpses of it. So, I simply cry out to Him. I cry for Him to be my strength when I have none. I cry for Him to be my joy when I have none. I cry for Him to continue drawing me forward and into what the future holds when I would rather curl up and admit defeat. I cry out to Him in my desperation. And then... I wait. I wait upon Him. I echo David's psalm when he said "Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me; O Lord, be my helper." There is still joy. There is still hope. There is still love. It has simply been... tougher to draw out right now. Just as the seasons pass, so too will this pass. He is faithful, and He remains faithful even when I am not.

The Goodness of Friday

Today is, as many might already know, Good Friday. I find this title somewhat ironic. It's called good, but in reality there wasn't much goodness taking place on the day this holiday represents. Humanity's sin took a shot at the blameless Lord... and what a shot it took. Beaten, mocked, abandoned by His closest friends, struck down and even being forsaken by the Father. What a completely desolate state He had to have found Himself in during this day. Sorrow and blood flowing mingled down like a river...

And to top this all off, my own fists are counted in the blows being dished out. True, I wasn't there and I didn't physically throw a single blow. Yet, my sin was present and accounted for on that tree. Jesus took the full weight of my sin upon Himself, taking it all the way to the cross. And to top this all off, I still continue to sin. I am slapping Christ full across the face with my actions. With this in mind, what goodness is there in Friday? Why would we want to remember such a low point in human history, the day we crucified our Lord and Saviour?

The answer comes in what today stands for, and for the accompanying Sunday. By taking the cross, Jesus has paid the ultimate price for me. He paid the debt which I could never even come close to paying off. My actions and shortcomings had separated me from God. Yet, the shedding off His blood has completely wiped my slate clean. God incarnate, the only begotten Son, took my punishment. Now I can approach God and enter into His presence fully. I can have a true relationship with the Father because Christ took my punishment. And not only did He take the punishment, but the grave couldn't hold Him! How amazing is that! Death itself has been conquered! It no longer has a hold over me. If that is not good, then I don't know what is. Shoot, I don't know if good does it enough justice...

These past few months have been, to put it simply, rough for me. I have had to do a lot of soul searching. I've been dragged into doing a lot of looking within myself, and I haven't exactly been thrilled by what I've found. I have encountered full on the darkness within my own soul. At times, I have felt like there hasn't been much of a light within me. I saw myself as worthless and pathetic. Yet, when all else seemed to fall away, there was still a light simmering in the darkness. At times it was nothing more than a slight glimmer at the corner of my eye. No matter how much it tried, though, the darkness could not extinguish the light. This light has been the hope, love and acceptance found in Christ. I have this hope because of what happened on this day.

His sacrifice has given me new life. He has rescued me from myself... and I praise Him with all my heart for this. He is my risen Lord and Saviour. With this in mind, how can I call this Friday anything but "good"? It truly is a Friday of Goodness.