Well, this week has been one of... ahh.... intense emotion. But, that seems to be the norm for me right now. Life goes up and down, bringing joys and sorrows. If you've have even scanned the past few posts, then you know this. Looking ahead and at my present situation, it simply seems like I'm cruising, unsure of where to go next and what I am doing that could be counted worthwhile. But this is not what I am wanting to share at this time. Instead, I want to share a reminder that I received this week.
This reminder concerns how big God and how mighty God truly is. This week brought with it a lot of self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness and many, many questions concerning myself. It was, to put it simply, quite dark. Yet, in the midst of that darkness, God was there. And He was working in and through all of that. I know that these thoughts were not of God. Yet, He was able to work through them. And how He worked was truly beautiful. I don't know about you, but my first reaction when I see a problem is to try and fix it. As people share something with me, I'm only half listening at times. While they talk, I am forming a responses and searching for a way to insert my opinion on the matter. The idea is that if my thoughts can simply be shared, then the problem can be fixed. True, outside insight into a situation can be beneficial, but sometimes it is not what is needed.
This week God took a different approach. He simply let me rage. He let the thoughts roll, the questions come, the doubts swirl and the tears of flow. He allowed all that was inside of me to come forth into the open. I threw it all at Him. And through it all, He remained unshaken. He easily withstood the onslaught of my emotions. By simply standing, listening and taking it all on Him, He was able to draw out the bile which had been festering. After I had exhausted myself, He asked "Are you done?" From there, He took the next step. And the best way to put this next step would simply be to describe it as an embrace. True, that is a weak way to describe it. But that's the best way I can put it into words. He didn't really correct any of my thoughts. he didn't answer my questions. Instead He gave me His comforting Spirit and His peace. Yes, things aren't pleasant right now. Yes, I don't know what's going on. Yes, it can be hard to see the joy and hope of life at times. But no matter what comes, it is still there. He is still in control and He does not leave. Unlike people, He does not change.
Looking at what I've written, I have to be honest about this. I wasn't sure where I was going with all of this. Reading back through what was written, I want to share what I have learned with you. Remember that God is in control. He is sovereign. And He is so much bigger than anything you could possibly face. Even in the bleakest darkness, He is still present and working. Don't be afraid to doubt or question. Throw your worst at Him. He can take it. I, for one, am glad I follow a God who can take my crap.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
God of Sorrows, God of Joy
Sometimes, I find myself having days such as today. The gloom settles in and I find myself desperate for some sign of significance in my life. What worth do I really contribute? What is my significance? It seems to me like all I have to offer is trivial. Life only brings weariness and gloom. It is hard to press on. Life in general seems to continue plodding along. And i find sorrow after sorrow coming my way. Constant change, losing of relationships, doubts of myself and my abilities, doubts of my significance. To some it up, life becomes synonymous grief.
Yet, I am finding that it is this grief which enriches life. In the midst of this depression, in the midst of this abandonment, in the midst of this night of doubt in myself and my significance in life, there is a richness which is expressed. It is hard, oh so hard, to see while in the midst of this time. But, as I step back and survey what is going on, I can see where God is working. These times must come. They are simply a part of life. No, there are not directly from God. But He does allow them. He allows these times to enter into my life so as to refine me. These times are the major times of growth. They are the times when I am completely broken down to my very foundation. My life and my perception of what is going on around me completely changes. Only by allowing me to have my very core broken down can God then come back in and rebuild.
This has become my hope. Right now, I only see the grief, sorrow, desperation, abandonment and loneliness. I question what has happened. I ask why this is happening to me. What brought about these crappy events? And I also find myself asking why He refuses to give up on me. Why, when I see nothing worthwhile in myself, is He still persistent in pursuing me? There's nothing good that I have to offer as far as I am concerned. I self-absorbed, concerned with my own feelings, desires and comfort. I see no reasonable way that I can positively affect those that encounter me. I only see the bad taste which I must leave in their mouth. But still He seems convinced that there is some good in me that I have to offer.
He keeps after me. He continues to find these little ways to stretch and grow me. He still reveals to me that He is present. He's never given up and He continues to teach me. I can't understand why. I have no clue why, when all seems hopeless, He still steps in and reminds me that there is hope. I've simply become too distracted to see it. And I suppose that is the lesson I am gaining from this time in my life. There is always hope. That cannot fully die. The hope will always live on. His sovereignty has never diminished. He is just as in control of things as when I first started on my journey with Him. He can take all of my anger, frustration, sorrow, grief and crying out in pain. He is big enough to handle it. I need reminded, just as Job needed, that He is much bigger than I sometimes think Him to be. And He is on my side. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I feel like and am going through, He is still in control, He is still fighting for me and He will continue to lead me along this path I call life. As these times pass, joy will come again. These times of sorrow simply work to make those times of joy oh so much sweeter. Without these two contrasts, life would be bland. Sure, it's not fun at the time. Shoot, it's not even fun when the time has passed. But it is what makes life so full. God is the God of both sorrow and joy. He has created both seasons, and He is within both seasons. He just has to be sought. But He is there.
Yet, I am finding that it is this grief which enriches life. In the midst of this depression, in the midst of this abandonment, in the midst of this night of doubt in myself and my significance in life, there is a richness which is expressed. It is hard, oh so hard, to see while in the midst of this time. But, as I step back and survey what is going on, I can see where God is working. These times must come. They are simply a part of life. No, there are not directly from God. But He does allow them. He allows these times to enter into my life so as to refine me. These times are the major times of growth. They are the times when I am completely broken down to my very foundation. My life and my perception of what is going on around me completely changes. Only by allowing me to have my very core broken down can God then come back in and rebuild.
This has become my hope. Right now, I only see the grief, sorrow, desperation, abandonment and loneliness. I question what has happened. I ask why this is happening to me. What brought about these crappy events? And I also find myself asking why He refuses to give up on me. Why, when I see nothing worthwhile in myself, is He still persistent in pursuing me? There's nothing good that I have to offer as far as I am concerned. I self-absorbed, concerned with my own feelings, desires and comfort. I see no reasonable way that I can positively affect those that encounter me. I only see the bad taste which I must leave in their mouth. But still He seems convinced that there is some good in me that I have to offer.
He keeps after me. He continues to find these little ways to stretch and grow me. He still reveals to me that He is present. He's never given up and He continues to teach me. I can't understand why. I have no clue why, when all seems hopeless, He still steps in and reminds me that there is hope. I've simply become too distracted to see it. And I suppose that is the lesson I am gaining from this time in my life. There is always hope. That cannot fully die. The hope will always live on. His sovereignty has never diminished. He is just as in control of things as when I first started on my journey with Him. He can take all of my anger, frustration, sorrow, grief and crying out in pain. He is big enough to handle it. I need reminded, just as Job needed, that He is much bigger than I sometimes think Him to be. And He is on my side. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I feel like and am going through, He is still in control, He is still fighting for me and He will continue to lead me along this path I call life. As these times pass, joy will come again. These times of sorrow simply work to make those times of joy oh so much sweeter. Without these two contrasts, life would be bland. Sure, it's not fun at the time. Shoot, it's not even fun when the time has passed. But it is what makes life so full. God is the God of both sorrow and joy. He has created both seasons, and He is within both seasons. He just has to be sought. But He is there.
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