Our lives have been compared many times with the seasons of the year. We will at times experience growth, renewal and fresh starts, much akin to spring. Other times, we are nicely cruising. Everything is going well and life seems joyous, much like those times of summer warmth and sun. And then there are those times of winter. The times of cold and standstill. Life outside has come to a halt, entering into an almost state of death. Things come to an end and life almost seems bleak with the color and joy seeming to be drained from the world around us.
Right now I feel like I have entered into a major time of winter in my life. Since about... mid-November I'd say... I have been getting hit by one thing after another. Granted, some are bigger issues than others. Yet, each one has simply worked to build up the stack already sitting on my heart. I've had major stretching occur in my own life, working to challenge and bring to light many of my habits and attributes which aren't honorable. I've had hopes and dreams which I was looking forward to come crashing down around me. I've found myself unsure of what the future holds. This is especially nerve-wracking when I look and see graduation looming so near. I've come to experience a sense of being homeless over these past few months. Having jumped locations frequently, I haven't had time to put down any significant roots. The moment I start to get settled in I'm picked up and replanting elsewhere. This has simply led to the feeling of not being home anywhere. Nothing seems familiar any more. Even being back at uni has been bittersweet. I was so looking forward to getting back here and settling back in with college life. Yet, things have changed. Or, better put, I have changed. I realize that I am no longer a college student. I enjoy the classes, but my mindset has shifted. I find myself unsure of where I fit in any more. Among all of these things, I find myself encountering regularly low-confidence, doubts, fear, worry, anxiety, loneliness, worthlessness, abandonment and a lack of direction, among other things. I feel like I've hit a snowdrift and have gotten stuck there in the ditch. I'm stuck, and I see no way out.
When one looks at the winter time, it can look bleak. Yet there is also an incredible amount of beauty which can be seen during this season. There are so many things which whisper of the Creator's touch when one takes the time to listen. The gentle falling of the snow among the forest's trees. The reflection of the sun through the icicles hanging from the roof. And there is even grown a deeper appreciation for the coming of spring. Without the contrast of the one, the other could not be fully realized for what it brings.
This time of winter in my own life works in this same way. Although things seem bleak and hopeless, with dreams and ideas seemingly crashing around me, I find that God is still whispering through the midst of all of this. He has not abandoned me. He is still very real and present. These are times of growth. It seems so cliche to simply say that, but I find that it is very true. God brings us to and through these times, not to leave us desperate and in pain but to teach us, stretch us and draw us closer to Himself. During the good times, it becomes easy to simply rely on my own strength to make do. Why not? Everything is going great so I might as well just keep doing what I'm doing. But that's not how it should be. I'm called to depend on Him fully and completely. But as long as I think I'm doing great, why would I change? These times work to call me back to dependence on Him. In my weakness, He is made strong. This time of life is a time of death for those things in me which need to pass away.
Only then will my heart be ready for the new growth which will come in the thawing of spring. Then, the loneliness, the worthlessness, the loss of hope and dreams, the essence of being homeless will pass away. Instead, I will know community, true worth, a resurgence of of a mind to dream and hope for the future and the the finding of a place I can call home. This time has yet to come though. I'm still in the midst of winter. I'm still bundled up against the chill of life. But I have His warm embrace to fight the chill. He is the one which I need to depend on now.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Spirit of Poverty
So, in my own personal reading, I decided to take up a specific focus. I wanted to work through Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, specifically concentrating on the Beatitudes. I want to take time to reflect on each one in turn, digging in deeper and using different commentaries to get some further info on what is being taught here.
The first one, for those wondering, is "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
One of the first things I have come to learn about the Beatitudes is that these are not attitudes or actions which a person may perform like a checklist; once the action or state has been reached, then it can be ticked off. What Jesus was teaching is that these are things which should naturally come out of our walk with Him. We should already be living in a spirit of poverty. Following Him means we become poor in spirit.
What exactly is meant by poor in spirit, though? As I read, I have come to learn that the poverty spoken of here is not someone who is tightly pressed for finances, nor is it someone who has chosen to give up a few things for the sake of another. No, the poverty spoken of by Jesus is an absolute poverty. The person has had no choice in the matter. They have found themselves fully and completely left in absolute poverty. They are fully dependent on others for their very survival. And we as Christians have been called to such a spiritual life of this poverty. We are to be utterly wrecked, realizing that on our own we can do and achieve nothing for we have nothing. We are desolate. We are humbled. And we are dependent on God. He is the source of our very livelihood. When we are poor in spirit, we come to realize that we have to fully and completely depend on God in all aspects of our spiritual life. He is the one guiding and leading it. We bring nothing to the table. Instead, it is all Him.
Man, reading this, I once again realize just how clingy I am. I keep wanting to hold on to my rubbish spirituality. I keep thinking I have something worthwhile to bring to the table. Yet, I don't. I have nothing. I need to let go of the filth I still hold on to. I need to reach out to Him, the Great Provider. He is the ultimate source. I seem to forget this so easily. I get so caught up in my little world of worries and desires. This false wealth needs to be let go of. Even more so I need to get rid of this false poverty. I keep thinking I am poor, having handed it all over to God. Yet, I still have that little bit of fool's gold which I'm holding on to, just in case. That's not true poverty. True poverty is having nothing and being fully and utterly dependent on Him.
Now, I said these are not little lists which I can follow to be a better boy. They are lifestyles which flow out of relationship with my Savior. Draw me closer to You, Lord. Help me to learn to be completely reliant and dependent on You.
Make this my prayer.
The first one, for those wondering, is "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
One of the first things I have come to learn about the Beatitudes is that these are not attitudes or actions which a person may perform like a checklist; once the action or state has been reached, then it can be ticked off. What Jesus was teaching is that these are things which should naturally come out of our walk with Him. We should already be living in a spirit of poverty. Following Him means we become poor in spirit.
What exactly is meant by poor in spirit, though? As I read, I have come to learn that the poverty spoken of here is not someone who is tightly pressed for finances, nor is it someone who has chosen to give up a few things for the sake of another. No, the poverty spoken of by Jesus is an absolute poverty. The person has had no choice in the matter. They have found themselves fully and completely left in absolute poverty. They are fully dependent on others for their very survival. And we as Christians have been called to such a spiritual life of this poverty. We are to be utterly wrecked, realizing that on our own we can do and achieve nothing for we have nothing. We are desolate. We are humbled. And we are dependent on God. He is the source of our very livelihood. When we are poor in spirit, we come to realize that we have to fully and completely depend on God in all aspects of our spiritual life. He is the one guiding and leading it. We bring nothing to the table. Instead, it is all Him.
Man, reading this, I once again realize just how clingy I am. I keep wanting to hold on to my rubbish spirituality. I keep thinking I have something worthwhile to bring to the table. Yet, I don't. I have nothing. I need to let go of the filth I still hold on to. I need to reach out to Him, the Great Provider. He is the ultimate source. I seem to forget this so easily. I get so caught up in my little world of worries and desires. This false wealth needs to be let go of. Even more so I need to get rid of this false poverty. I keep thinking I am poor, having handed it all over to God. Yet, I still have that little bit of fool's gold which I'm holding on to, just in case. That's not true poverty. True poverty is having nothing and being fully and utterly dependent on Him.
Now, I said these are not little lists which I can follow to be a better boy. They are lifestyles which flow out of relationship with my Savior. Draw me closer to You, Lord. Help me to learn to be completely reliant and dependent on You.
Make this my prayer.
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