Here, on the eve of departure, reality is suddenly kicking in. As Dad would put it, I feel like I'm being hit in the head by a 2 x 4. The reality is that tomorrow I leave for Arizona, where I'll be starting in with my new job and new life. This simply leaves me stunned. It's crazy that I have come to this point. It still feels quite unreal with the whole thing. Am I really leaving the fields of Indiana and heading out there? Won't I continue to wake up and follow my routine here at home? What am I talking about, leaving home and moving out there? I'm not really doing that, am I?
Yet, the truth of the matter is I am. This new chapter of my life is preparing to unfold. And I am having some major mixed emotions about the whole thing. First of all, there is a good deal of sadness and grief. For the new to take place, the old must change. In a way, it must be left behind. I don't really like this term because I consider my family as a part of this current life. To say it must pass away makes me feel like I will never see them again. That being the case, I think I'll settle for using the term "change". My relationship with them, and with others, will still exist. But a major change it what these relationships look like is about to occur. So, there is some sadness. Seeing these things change and become a part of my past is hard. But come it must.
On the flip side, there is a lot of excitement with this move. Here is a new and exciting step in my life. I'm going to get to go meet new people and engage in new things. There are new sights to see, new experiences to be had, new relationships to develop. This next chapter in my life is going to be another moment growth and change. And I'm excited for it. I've seen how God has brought these things together so perfectly. In the midst of one of the lowest times in my life, what with low self-esteem, some depression issues and a severe lack of seeing God's love for me, I stand amazed at how He moved and brought all of these things together in His timing. As I look ahead in life, I still have no idea what is in store for me. Honestly, I have next to no clue at all what exactly my role with Grand Canyon will consist of. What I do know is that, much like Scotland, God is bringing me there for a reason. And, going of a good friend's advice from tonight, I need to make myself present where I am at. I don't need to worry about the past, future or even what else is going on at the time. I am where I am for a reason, and I need to strive to thrive as best as I can with what I'm doing.
So, I look ahead to my departure tomorrow, unsure of what lies in store for me. There's a lot of uncertainty ahead (like 99% of what my life will entail). What I do know is that my next chapter is unfolding in front of me. It's time to step forward to my next adventure.
Blessings, my friends.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
A Silent Presence
In church today I actually heard something which I rarely hear from the front. The pastor was speaking from Daniel 3, which is the account of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego and the furnace. The point which the pastor made was that it is normal for Christians to suffer and not hear from God, nor even see Him working, for long stretches of time. I feel like we rarely address this part of our faith, holding to the idea that if we trust in God and do all of the right things everything will turn out peachy. But that is not true. Following God can be incredibly tough and the road is often littered with pain.
The story of these three shows this fact quite clearly. I many times forget their history, concentrating on the immediate story in chapter 3. They started off in the royal palace in Judah, having an education and most likely plenty of privileges. They watched as the Babylonian Empire advanced towards their kingdom. They more than likely called out to God, asking for His protection and salvation from this threat. Yet, Judah still fell. They then saw themselves carted off as slaves to Babylon, where they were subjected to cultural brainwashing and completely stripped of their very identity, even given new Babylonian names. They more than likely called out to God throughout this whole ordeal, asking for Him to intervene and save them. Yet, the response they received was silence. Then we come upon chapter 3. The statue had been erected and they were to bow down in worship or face death. Yet these 3 men stood their ground, refusing to give worship to anyone but the most High God. When they faced the furnace, their reply to Nebuchadnezzar was that they worship no one but God and that He can save them from the flames. Even if He didn't, they would still follow Him alone.
I've never approached their story in this manner before. Their faith in God is astounding. They had every reason to say that God no longer cared for them, that He had abandoned them and that they were on their own. He had remained silent in those other times when they cried out for Him. Yet, here they were, facing death and yet remaining steadfast in their faith. They knew God can move and save. They didn't know if He would or not, but they still believed in Him.
I hear this and then I look at myself. I get so upset when I don't feel like I'm hearing anything from God for a few weeks or even months. I complain that He's abandoned me, that He doesn't truly care, that I'm on my own. Yet that isn't true by any means. He's still there, even in the silence. I need to learn how to be at peace in this silence, grounding my faith on the truth and love which I have already experienced. He is faithful, even when I can't seem to see it.
So yeah... this was something I found really cool from the sermon this morning and I wanted to share. Hope you found it as encouraging as I did.
Peace, my friends.
The story of these three shows this fact quite clearly. I many times forget their history, concentrating on the immediate story in chapter 3. They started off in the royal palace in Judah, having an education and most likely plenty of privileges. They watched as the Babylonian Empire advanced towards their kingdom. They more than likely called out to God, asking for His protection and salvation from this threat. Yet, Judah still fell. They then saw themselves carted off as slaves to Babylon, where they were subjected to cultural brainwashing and completely stripped of their very identity, even given new Babylonian names. They more than likely called out to God throughout this whole ordeal, asking for Him to intervene and save them. Yet, the response they received was silence. Then we come upon chapter 3. The statue had been erected and they were to bow down in worship or face death. Yet these 3 men stood their ground, refusing to give worship to anyone but the most High God. When they faced the furnace, their reply to Nebuchadnezzar was that they worship no one but God and that He can save them from the flames. Even if He didn't, they would still follow Him alone.
I've never approached their story in this manner before. Their faith in God is astounding. They had every reason to say that God no longer cared for them, that He had abandoned them and that they were on their own. He had remained silent in those other times when they cried out for Him. Yet, here they were, facing death and yet remaining steadfast in their faith. They knew God can move and save. They didn't know if He would or not, but they still believed in Him.
I hear this and then I look at myself. I get so upset when I don't feel like I'm hearing anything from God for a few weeks or even months. I complain that He's abandoned me, that He doesn't truly care, that I'm on my own. Yet that isn't true by any means. He's still there, even in the silence. I need to learn how to be at peace in this silence, grounding my faith on the truth and love which I have already experienced. He is faithful, even when I can't seem to see it.
So yeah... this was something I found really cool from the sermon this morning and I wanted to share. Hope you found it as encouraging as I did.
Peace, my friends.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Ponderings as of Late
So, as of late I feel like I've been on a wee bit of an emotional roller coaster ride. I find myself down in the dumps one minute, soaring on cloud 9 the next and then suddenly back down in the depths of depression. And it seems like the simplest of things can set me off on this roller coaster. I know it's not really the little things which are causing this fluctuation. There's something deeper going on in me, and I've been trying to lay a finger on what it is exactly. So, maybe I can process some of my thoughts here and see where it gets me.
This past wee while has been, as is apparent from my previous posts, a rough time for me. I've had some major disappointments and let-downs come my way, many of which has caused a lot of... well... emotional trauma is the best way to describe it. I've doubted myself, my role in life, even my own worth as a person. Basically I cast my own self out as worthless and not deserving of anyone's time. Coupled with these thoughts and emotions was the fact that my life seems to be in a constant state of change right now. I finished off my final semester of university and had started to look ahead into the giant blank that is my future. And I was scared. I feel inadequate to do much of anything, I have no idea what I can do or where I can go, my close friends where all leaving and going their separate ways, and for much of this time I had nothing on which to ground myself.
With so many changes coming so fast, my already hyper-charged emotions have been getting hit pretty hard. One minute I'm feeling hopeful about things, feeling like I'm on top of the world. Something happens or I catch a passing comment and I find myself starting back down that destructive spiral. I know this spiral spawns from something other than the circumstance, but I can't seem to nail it down. I think a part of it comes from my own insecurities, especially those that have been drug up recently. Maybe it's because I don't fully know how to cope with all of these changes, especially the loses which seem to be happening so regularly. Maybe it's these feelings of being so small in a world that is so big. I don't fully understand my place in this world, but I have come to realize just how big it is and how small I am. That could easily cause some interesting emotions.
It's interesting, though. As I am sitting here, processing all of these thoughts and feelings that I have been having, I have the song "How He Loves" playing on my lappy. And I'm being struck once more by just how wide and deep His love for me is. No matter what comes my way, no matter what emotional trauma I seem to be experiencing, He is still constantly there, supporting and encouraging me. He is the Father, running out to meet me while I trudge towards the house, ashamed of my actions. Even when I feel abandoned and alone, He is still there. And you know... I think that's what I needed to acknowledge. I don't know fully what has caused this roller coaster in me. Most likely it's been a multitude of circumstances and events all coming together into a perfect storm of discouragement. What I do know is what the cure is. It's His embrace. I find myself awestruck when I think about His love for me. He's right there beside me, suffering when I suffer and rejoicing when I rejoice. No matter how worthless and rejected I feel by others, He is still there with open arms inviting me into His warm embrace. And you know something? When I think about that, I don't feel so down anymore...
Peace, my friends.
This past wee while has been, as is apparent from my previous posts, a rough time for me. I've had some major disappointments and let-downs come my way, many of which has caused a lot of... well... emotional trauma is the best way to describe it. I've doubted myself, my role in life, even my own worth as a person. Basically I cast my own self out as worthless and not deserving of anyone's time. Coupled with these thoughts and emotions was the fact that my life seems to be in a constant state of change right now. I finished off my final semester of university and had started to look ahead into the giant blank that is my future. And I was scared. I feel inadequate to do much of anything, I have no idea what I can do or where I can go, my close friends where all leaving and going their separate ways, and for much of this time I had nothing on which to ground myself.
With so many changes coming so fast, my already hyper-charged emotions have been getting hit pretty hard. One minute I'm feeling hopeful about things, feeling like I'm on top of the world. Something happens or I catch a passing comment and I find myself starting back down that destructive spiral. I know this spiral spawns from something other than the circumstance, but I can't seem to nail it down. I think a part of it comes from my own insecurities, especially those that have been drug up recently. Maybe it's because I don't fully know how to cope with all of these changes, especially the loses which seem to be happening so regularly. Maybe it's these feelings of being so small in a world that is so big. I don't fully understand my place in this world, but I have come to realize just how big it is and how small I am. That could easily cause some interesting emotions.
It's interesting, though. As I am sitting here, processing all of these thoughts and feelings that I have been having, I have the song "How He Loves" playing on my lappy. And I'm being struck once more by just how wide and deep His love for me is. No matter what comes my way, no matter what emotional trauma I seem to be experiencing, He is still constantly there, supporting and encouraging me. He is the Father, running out to meet me while I trudge towards the house, ashamed of my actions. Even when I feel abandoned and alone, He is still there. And you know... I think that's what I needed to acknowledge. I don't know fully what has caused this roller coaster in me. Most likely it's been a multitude of circumstances and events all coming together into a perfect storm of discouragement. What I do know is what the cure is. It's His embrace. I find myself awestruck when I think about His love for me. He's right there beside me, suffering when I suffer and rejoicing when I rejoice. No matter how worthless and rejected I feel by others, He is still there with open arms inviting me into His warm embrace. And you know something? When I think about that, I don't feel so down anymore...
Peace, my friends.
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