I find myself in a strange place right now. Having come back from my internship which lasted these past 7 months, I now find myself re-entering into the world of a student. Once more I am going to class and sitting for an hour or so at a time. A year ago, I was okay with this pattern of life. I could handle simply going to class and then hanging around the dorms for the rest of the day. This time around, though, I find myself growing anxious about a great many things.
I just returned from engaging and entering into the world of young people. Almost every day of the week I was at the youth project and working with the young people. I was giving of myself on an almost daily basis. That was my day. And I'll be honest... there I felt I had a purpose. But now, being back on campus, I'm not sure what my purpose in life is. I'm going to class. I come back to the house. I have fun being with my mates again. But what difference am I making? What worthwhile thing am I doing with my time here? And as these thoughts continue to fester around in my mind, it just adds to the bit of... bleak feeling I've had for the past wee while now.
I don't know where I'm going. I feel like I've been blindfolded and I'm just stumbling along through life. I have no clear direction in which to proceed. Add to that the fact that I somewhat feel like life has taken a major dump on me lately. It's just been several disappointments and unexpected let downs which add up to this current feeling. I find myself standing here, arms lifted up and crying, "What now, God?" I'm having a hard time seeing where exactly He is leading me right now. What I was hoping for isn't exactly coming to fruition, but I suppose I should almost expect that by this time in life. Things don't always work out like I may have planned for them.
But it's then at this point of time that I have to check myself. It can become so easy for me to fall into this pattern of feeling sorry for myself. God has been taking care of me up to now. And He is going to continue to take care of me and lead me to where I should be. I just have to trust and continue to give myself over to Him. Yes, this may mean that my schedule, plans, hopes and dreams must be sacrificed. I need to accept this. As I have learned so well this past 7 months, God likes to work in unexpected ways.
So, I guess that is where I find myself right now. I'm waiting. I'm in stasis for the next few months. During this time, I need to engage with where I am at now. This is a time for learning. There is still some stretching and growing which needs to take place. But there is some work which still needs done; some refining by fire, if you will. I'm not really looking forward to this, that's for sure. Being worked over in the fire isn't exactly my idea of a thrilling time. Yet, this is where I find me. I know that tomorrow will come and that God will continue to lead me on. I simply need to rely on His guiding light. So, yeah... although I feel like I'm stuck on a treadmill, I'm going to keep on chugging forward. It's time to pick up my feet and keep running the path set before me.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
As Rafiki said...
Well, the it appears that my journey has finally come full circle. As I sit here in the flat on this gray, rainy day in Scotland, I begin to think about tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day I am heading back to the States. My internship here has run it's course and now is the time for me to move on to the next chapter in my life.
For a while, I have had a fair amount of grief with the fact that I am leaving. I have learned so much being here. I have grown more confident in myself and my abilities. I have pushed myself to become more assertive and to not shy away from conflict. I have had my mind expanded in regards to youth work. I have learned new theories and ideas concerning effective youth work. And I have had my nice, little perceptions of God completely blown out of the water. He has once more proven to me just how big and in control He truly is. He has worked in so many ways here, growing and pushing me beyond where I had settled down. He's placed me in situations which have made me look at myself and what I believe and realize just how absurd I was to think that. Yet, He has also constantly reminded me just how much He loves. He has shown so much grace, acceptance and comfort through the young people I have encountered here. Having gone through all of these things here in Dundee makes me sad to leave. I have developed such good relationships with people here. I have made a home here.
As I think about leaving, though, the words of the wise baboon from my youth echoes through my ears. We all remember that blue-bottomed fountain of guidance from our past. There's a certain quote from Rafiki which simply seems appropriate at this time. Rafiki, when explaining Simba's departure to the others, used 3 simple words which certainly resonate with me at this time. I feel they work well in my own situation. These words are simply this. "It is time."
It is time for me to journey on to the next chapter of my life. No, I don't fully know what the future is going to hold. But I know I need to press on. The growth and learning which the time here was for has happened. I've made steps forward in becoming the man God wants me to be. I can look back at see those instances in which I have grown. But it is time to move on to what He has in store next. I can't stay here. I need to allow myself to continue to be stretched and moved further along in my growth. So, with that in mind, I not only set off tomorrow on my flights, but I also set out on the next leg of this journey called life.
With that in mind, I want to thank you all for being a part of this experience with me. It has been good to share my thoughts and processing with you through this blog. Yeah, it wasn't exactly the most regularly update thing, but I was able to share bits and pieces with you. And I thank you for your support. Even though my time on PRIME is over, I do still plan on trying to update my blog in some sort of regular fashion. I'd like to continue to share my insights, thoughts and processing from life with you all. I won't be sending out notices for when I update, but if you check back regularly, hopefully you'll find something. And if not, just yell at me and I'll try and do some writing.
Cheers, all!
For a while, I have had a fair amount of grief with the fact that I am leaving. I have learned so much being here. I have grown more confident in myself and my abilities. I have pushed myself to become more assertive and to not shy away from conflict. I have had my mind expanded in regards to youth work. I have learned new theories and ideas concerning effective youth work. And I have had my nice, little perceptions of God completely blown out of the water. He has once more proven to me just how big and in control He truly is. He has worked in so many ways here, growing and pushing me beyond where I had settled down. He's placed me in situations which have made me look at myself and what I believe and realize just how absurd I was to think that. Yet, He has also constantly reminded me just how much He loves. He has shown so much grace, acceptance and comfort through the young people I have encountered here. Having gone through all of these things here in Dundee makes me sad to leave. I have developed such good relationships with people here. I have made a home here.
As I think about leaving, though, the words of the wise baboon from my youth echoes through my ears. We all remember that blue-bottomed fountain of guidance from our past. There's a certain quote from Rafiki which simply seems appropriate at this time. Rafiki, when explaining Simba's departure to the others, used 3 simple words which certainly resonate with me at this time. I feel they work well in my own situation. These words are simply this. "It is time."
It is time for me to journey on to the next chapter of my life. No, I don't fully know what the future is going to hold. But I know I need to press on. The growth and learning which the time here was for has happened. I've made steps forward in becoming the man God wants me to be. I can look back at see those instances in which I have grown. But it is time to move on to what He has in store next. I can't stay here. I need to allow myself to continue to be stretched and moved further along in my growth. So, with that in mind, I not only set off tomorrow on my flights, but I also set out on the next leg of this journey called life.
With that in mind, I want to thank you all for being a part of this experience with me. It has been good to share my thoughts and processing with you through this blog. Yeah, it wasn't exactly the most regularly update thing, but I was able to share bits and pieces with you. And I thank you for your support. Even though my time on PRIME is over, I do still plan on trying to update my blog in some sort of regular fashion. I'd like to continue to share my insights, thoughts and processing from life with you all. I won't be sending out notices for when I update, but if you check back regularly, hopefully you'll find something. And if not, just yell at me and I'll try and do some writing.
Cheers, all!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Hi, I'm a Hermit Crab
I'm not sure how many of you have ever made it to the beach. If you have had this amazing experience, then you may have noticed a little creature crawling along the beach. This little guy is the hermit crab. I find these guys fascinating. They crawl along the beach, going about their merry little way, content with the shell which they are lugging around. Yet, for such a little creature, the world can be a scary place. There's so much out there waiting to hurt or even eat them. And they know it. If you've ever come upon a hermit crab, you'll find that any outside disturbance of their environment will result in them pulling back and hiding in their shell. They don't want to get hurt, and thus pull away from any change. They are most comfortable with the norm.
In many ways, I find myself with a very similar attitude as the hermit crab. I don't like change, especially when I'm not the one choosing to bring it about. I like settling into a routine and seeking to keep things the same. When the status quo is kept, then I can relax and become comfortable. I don't have to reach out into others lives. I don't have to embrace the pain which is life. As long as I can live like a hermit crab, alone and safe in my shell, then I don't have to worry about getting hurt.
As I've have learned throughout my past 6 months here in Scotland, though, the life of a hermit crab is not a fulfilling one. Yes, I won't have any heart ache or mental anguish. But it's through these experiences that God steps in and causes growth. Changes are hard to face when they start stirring up the world around me. Yet, when we lean on God and embrace the growing pains around me, then I can fully appreciate the joys I experience too. Life isn't always pain and hurt. It is also full of hope and joy.
At times I forget this little fact. Yet, He gently reminds me that I need to let go, to allow myself to give over my futile grip on the things around me so that He can once more move and work. As I sit here this morning, writing this blog out, I find myself at another one of these moments where I have to decide to either let go and fall into His arms or scurry back into my little shell and hide. I've got about a week left here in Scotland. Soon I'll be journeying back to the States to finish off my last semester, then I'll be graduating and entering the "real world". Add on top of that the pain I encounter with the young people here and my own personal issues and I see a lot of things I could easily pull away from, so as to save myself heartache. It's easier to duck away rather than face head on the suffering around me.
But that's not what I'm called to. I'm not called to be a hermit crab. Instead, I'm called to be God's hands and feet in a world crying out for hope and acceptance. I can't allow myself to become wrapped up in my own security issues. Instead, I need to embrace the pain in my heart, hand my anxiety over to Him and then allow myself to be carried away by the wave of change as it crashes on top of me. Yes, it can be frightening. But, in His hands, I think I can find peace.
In many ways, I find myself with a very similar attitude as the hermit crab. I don't like change, especially when I'm not the one choosing to bring it about. I like settling into a routine and seeking to keep things the same. When the status quo is kept, then I can relax and become comfortable. I don't have to reach out into others lives. I don't have to embrace the pain which is life. As long as I can live like a hermit crab, alone and safe in my shell, then I don't have to worry about getting hurt.
As I've have learned throughout my past 6 months here in Scotland, though, the life of a hermit crab is not a fulfilling one. Yes, I won't have any heart ache or mental anguish. But it's through these experiences that God steps in and causes growth. Changes are hard to face when they start stirring up the world around me. Yet, when we lean on God and embrace the growing pains around me, then I can fully appreciate the joys I experience too. Life isn't always pain and hurt. It is also full of hope and joy.
At times I forget this little fact. Yet, He gently reminds me that I need to let go, to allow myself to give over my futile grip on the things around me so that He can once more move and work. As I sit here this morning, writing this blog out, I find myself at another one of these moments where I have to decide to either let go and fall into His arms or scurry back into my little shell and hide. I've got about a week left here in Scotland. Soon I'll be journeying back to the States to finish off my last semester, then I'll be graduating and entering the "real world". Add on top of that the pain I encounter with the young people here and my own personal issues and I see a lot of things I could easily pull away from, so as to save myself heartache. It's easier to duck away rather than face head on the suffering around me.
But that's not what I'm called to. I'm not called to be a hermit crab. Instead, I'm called to be God's hands and feet in a world crying out for hope and acceptance. I can't allow myself to become wrapped up in my own security issues. Instead, I need to embrace the pain in my heart, hand my anxiety over to Him and then allow myself to be carried away by the wave of change as it crashes on top of me. Yes, it can be frightening. But, in His hands, I think I can find peace.
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