I have now officially graduated. Huh, that's an odd thought. It's kind of weird to think of it having come and gone. This is especially true with the fact that I wasn't looking forward to graduation at all. I wouldn't say I wasn't looking forward to graduating, for I was. It was time to move on. I think the part I wasn't looking forward to was what graduation meant. It kind of held for me the culmination of a bunch of changes which have been happening; changes I wasn't exactly looking for nor wanting at all. Before I had these grand ideas of what life would hold after I graduated. I would have some sort of plan in life and preparing to embark on some grand adventure. Yet, as this past semester started to play out, I began to realize that this wasn't the case.
With the ending of my time here at school, I will also see a great change come upon many of my relationships which have grown here. I will no longer see these friends of mine on a daily basis. They will no longer be easily contacted. Many will simply stop communicating and seemingly cease to care about what occurs in my life. And that is a hard thought to swallow. After all of the time, energy and memories put into the relationships, it is hard for me to simply let them go. It feels like these changes are ripping them away. Along with this, I also began to realize that graduation would mean moving back home. Don't get me wrong. Home is a good thing. But in my eyes it consists of an old life, one which I no longer feel like I fit in. With no set plans on the horizon, I feel like I am heading back to an old life and will thus be crammed back into a role which I no longer hold. I have grown and matured since I was last home, and the people at home have moved on in their lives. I feel like I no longer have a place, yet I will be expected to be the same old Ben.
While this past semester and graduating are good things, they have also become hard changes to face. This past wee while has felt like one hard change after another, dishing out some thing which I did not choose nor want. No matter what I said or did, these changes have come. I saddened by how things have turned out, and I wish it were different, but I've also had a bit of a revelation for myself as of late. This idea keeps popping up in different places, such as conversations I've had with people. And I think it aptly applies to this current stage of life.
I cannot, it would seem, chose the changes which come about. That seems to be the case when dealing with other people. Each person makes their own choice, be it good or bad. I cannot make it different. I may not want it. I may not like it. But I can choose to accept it. The choice I can make is how I will deal with these changes. As life continues to move on, I can either become caught up in the loss of the familiar or I can strike out and search for the adventure I was hoping for. I can either allow the hurt of loss overwhelm me or I can learn to accept it, not embrace nor hide it. But I can accept the pain and loss and continue along my path. People may choose to separate and drop their communication with me, but I shall leave that up to them. As for my part, I will always be there. I cannot hope to stay the same, so I must chose to press on. And I don't know the future. I too easily allow the idea of not being in the same place to affect my outlook on relationships. (It might be because of past experiences... out of sight out of mind, you know) But if a person truly values the relationship, then it will last, no matter the space between. And that is an encouraging thought, especially as I prepare to pack up and leave my house and friends. I can hope that the relationships I've made over these past years won't fade... that they will actually prove to have been meaningful to more than myself...
As I face the future with uncertainty, I have come to realize something. I cannot always choose the circumstances I find myself in. But I can choose how I will face them. Too long have I allowed the idea of loss and pain to rule my feelings. I don't know what the future holds. And I'm coming to realize, once again, that is okay. God is in control. He is leading me onward, one step at a time. I must learn to trust His guidance. Most of the time I don't like it, but I will continue to trust. He has worked in amazing ways before, bring about things which I never thought would happen and growing hope where I thought there was none. So, with these things kept in mind, I will continue to push onward.
The changes have come. I have chosen. Now it's time for that adventure...
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Prayer of the Heart
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
-Philippians 4:4-9
Lord, I find this a challenge at times. I find it hard to display the joy and peace when things seem so chaotic and uncertain. I find it hard not to be anxious when I look ahead in life and the only light I see at the end of the tunnel is the light from the freight train called life chugging ahead at full speed toward me. I submit myself to You in prayer and if feels like no answer is coming. I ask for peace and I ask for assurance, but still You seem to remain silent. I want to crawl up in to arms, Father, and find myself at home, but I can't seem to even find Your arms.
Even though my heart has grown weak from the repeated disappointments, let downs, sorrow and pain, it hasn't quite given up. Admittedly, it certainly wants to, on a regular basis. Yet, I know that You are still present and working... or at least, my hope tells me that You are. Acceptance of this current state of affairs does not come easy. In fact, I am normally quite unsatisfied with the turns life has decided to take. But I trust that You do have... something in mind, something that You can use these circumstances for.
So, here's my heart, Father; broken, bleeding, and desolate as it is. I believe that You will move through these current circumstances and that You will somehow bring good. While I cannot see it at all, I know that You are moving and working. So, here am I. Take me as I am. And don't leave me the same.
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
-Philippians 4:4-9
Lord, I find this a challenge at times. I find it hard to display the joy and peace when things seem so chaotic and uncertain. I find it hard not to be anxious when I look ahead in life and the only light I see at the end of the tunnel is the light from the freight train called life chugging ahead at full speed toward me. I submit myself to You in prayer and if feels like no answer is coming. I ask for peace and I ask for assurance, but still You seem to remain silent. I want to crawl up in to arms, Father, and find myself at home, but I can't seem to even find Your arms.
Even though my heart has grown weak from the repeated disappointments, let downs, sorrow and pain, it hasn't quite given up. Admittedly, it certainly wants to, on a regular basis. Yet, I know that You are still present and working... or at least, my hope tells me that You are. Acceptance of this current state of affairs does not come easy. In fact, I am normally quite unsatisfied with the turns life has decided to take. But I trust that You do have... something in mind, something that You can use these circumstances for.
So, here's my heart, Father; broken, bleeding, and desolate as it is. I believe that You will move through these current circumstances and that You will somehow bring good. While I cannot see it at all, I know that You are moving and working. So, here am I. Take me as I am. And don't leave me the same.
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