Ponderings as of Late

So, as of late I feel like I've been on a wee bit of an emotional roller coaster ride. I find myself down in the dumps one minute, soaring on cloud 9 the next and then suddenly back down in the depths of depression. And it seems like the simplest of things can set me off on this roller coaster. I know it's not really the little things which are causing this fluctuation. There's something deeper going on in me, and I've been trying to lay a finger on what it is exactly. So, maybe I can process some of my thoughts here and see where it gets me.

This past wee while has been, as is apparent from my previous posts, a rough time for me. I've had some major disappointments and let-downs come my way, many of which has caused a lot of... well... emotional trauma is the best way to describe it. I've doubted myself, my role in life, even my own worth as a person. Basically I cast my own self out as worthless and not deserving of anyone's time. Coupled with these thoughts and emotions was the fact that my life seems to be in a constant state of change right now. I finished off my final semester of university and had started to look ahead into the giant blank that is my future. And I was scared. I feel inadequate to do much of anything, I have no idea what I can do or where I can go, my close friends where all leaving and going their separate ways, and for much of this time I had nothing on which to ground myself.

With so many changes coming so fast, my already hyper-charged emotions have been getting hit pretty hard. One minute I'm feeling hopeful about things, feeling like I'm on top of the world. Something happens or I catch a passing comment and I find myself starting back down that destructive spiral. I know this spiral spawns from something other than the circumstance, but I can't seem to nail it down. I think a part of it comes from my own insecurities, especially those that have been drug up recently. Maybe it's because I don't fully know how to cope with all of these changes, especially the loses which seem to be happening so regularly. Maybe it's these feelings of being so small in a world that is so big. I don't fully understand my place in this world, but I have come to realize just how big it is and how small I am. That could easily cause some interesting emotions.

It's interesting, though. As I am sitting here, processing all of these thoughts and feelings that I have been having, I have the song "How He Loves" playing on my lappy. And I'm being struck once more by just how wide and deep His love for me is. No matter what comes my way, no matter what emotional trauma I seem to be experiencing, He is still constantly there, supporting and encouraging me. He is the Father, running out to meet me while I trudge towards the house, ashamed of my actions. Even when I feel abandoned and alone, He is still there. And you know... I think that's what I needed to acknowledge. I don't know fully what has caused this roller coaster in me. Most likely it's been a multitude of circumstances and events all coming together into a perfect storm of discouragement. What I do know is what the cure is. It's His embrace. I find myself awestruck when I think about His love for me. He's right there beside me, suffering when I suffer and rejoicing when I rejoice. No matter how worthless and rejected I feel by others, He is still there with open arms inviting me into His warm embrace. And you know something? When I think about that, I don't feel so down anymore...

Peace, my friends.