God of Sorrows, God of Joy

Sometimes, I find myself having days such as today. The gloom settles in and I find myself desperate for some sign of significance in my life. What worth do I really contribute? What is my significance? It seems to me like all I have to offer is trivial. Life only brings weariness and gloom. It is hard to press on. Life in general seems to continue plodding along. And i find sorrow after sorrow coming my way. Constant change, losing of relationships, doubts of myself and my abilities, doubts of my significance. To some it up, life becomes synonymous grief.

Yet, I am finding that it is this grief which enriches life. In the midst of this depression, in the midst of this abandonment, in the midst of this night of doubt in myself and my significance in life, there is a richness which is expressed. It is hard, oh so hard, to see while in the midst of this time. But, as I step back and survey what is going on, I can see where God is working. These times must come. They are simply a part of life. No, there are not directly from God. But He does allow them. He allows these times to enter into my life so as to refine me. These times are the major times of growth. They are the times when I am completely broken down to my very foundation. My life and my perception of what is going on around me completely changes. Only by allowing me to have my very core broken down can God then come back in and rebuild.

This has become my hope. Right now, I only see the grief, sorrow, desperation, abandonment and loneliness. I question what has happened. I ask why this is happening to me. What brought about these crappy events? And I also find myself asking why He refuses to give up on me. Why, when I see nothing worthwhile in myself, is He still persistent in pursuing me? There's nothing good that I have to offer as far as I am concerned. I self-absorbed, concerned with my own feelings, desires and comfort. I see no reasonable way that I can positively affect those that encounter me. I only see the bad taste which I must leave in their mouth. But still He seems convinced that there is some good in me that I have to offer.

He keeps after me. He continues to find these little ways to stretch and grow me. He still reveals to me that He is present. He's never given up and He continues to teach me. I can't understand why. I have no clue why, when all seems hopeless, He still steps in and reminds me that there is hope. I've simply become too distracted to see it. And I suppose that is the lesson I am gaining from this time in my life. There is always hope. That cannot fully die. The hope will always live on. His sovereignty has never diminished. He is just as in control of things as when I first started on my journey with Him. He can take all of my anger, frustration, sorrow, grief and crying out in pain. He is big enough to handle it. I need reminded, just as Job needed, that He is much bigger than I sometimes think Him to be. And He is on my side. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I feel like and am going through, He is still in control, He is still fighting for me and He will continue to lead me along this path I call life. As these times pass, joy will come again. These times of sorrow simply work to make those times of joy oh so much sweeter. Without these two contrasts, life would be bland. Sure, it's not fun at the time. Shoot, it's not even fun when the time has passed. But it is what makes life so full. God is the God of both sorrow and joy. He has created both seasons, and He is within both seasons. He just has to be sought. But He is there.