Ramblings of a Ben

As I sit here, trying to think about what to write out, I keep drawing a blank. I want to share my heart, to pour out what is going on in its inner recesses. Yet, I don't know how to draw forth from it. There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around right now, I many times feel like I'm simply drowning. What I find, though, is that in these times of not knowing what to say, it is best to simply start writing and let the words take me wherever they may. So, I shall do just that.

This season of life right now seems to be one of reoccurring pain, hurt and uncertainty. Much of this comes from the fact that I, last semester, started to do some planning. I began to shape in my mind what this coming final semester at university would look like. I had this ideal image of how everything would play out. That, I realize, was a foolish thing to do. It would seem that whenever I start to figure out how something will play out, life simply takes a completely different turn. Decisions are made, actions taken and feelings experienced which alter the course life is on. Upon arriving back at school, I quickly discovered that this was the case. As the semester has played out, I have been continually reminded with how foolish it was for me to get my hopes up. Life here has been much much different than expected, and I have had difficulty adapting. What has been filling my heart as of late has simply been the pains of loss, of regret, of doubts, of failures...

And now, with around 5 weeks left in the semester, I find myself in no better a situation. I have as of yet no future plans for life. I certainly have hopes, and I am pursuing these ideas. But nothing has been laid for certain. And I am simply looking at life right now, and it does seem rather bleak. What awaits me after graduation? What grand thing will I be doing with my life? Will I actually make any difference in someone's life? Right now, I see no difference that I can make. Many times I simply feel that I could back away from people and it would make no difference. To say the least, feelings of worth are as of right now somewhat low. I suppose that simply comes from having ones ideas dashed upon the rocks of reality and then finding yourself struggling to once again looking for something to shoot for.

Life has been thrown into chaos for me. I don't know where I am going, simply being tossed about by the waves of the sea. But, in the midst of this, I keep trying to take a hold of the one solid thing in my life. Constantly I am told that God is for me, that He is my rock and my strength. I know this. It is so hard, though, to put it into practice. When things look bleak and there's nothing to shoot for, God's light can be hard to spot. But it is there. I keep catching glimpses of it. So, I simply cry out to Him. I cry for Him to be my strength when I have none. I cry for Him to be my joy when I have none. I cry for Him to continue drawing me forward and into what the future holds when I would rather curl up and admit defeat. I cry out to Him in my desperation. And then... I wait. I wait upon Him. I echo David's psalm when he said "Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me; O Lord, be my helper." There is still joy. There is still hope. There is still love. It has simply been... tougher to draw out right now. Just as the seasons pass, so too will this pass. He is faithful, and He remains faithful even when I am not.