Heart of Love

So, as of right now, things have been a bit rough for me. As has been typical of this semester, life continues to follow along its normal path of being... unpleasant. Things continue to change, whether I'd like them to or not. It feels like this whole semester has been a consistent watching of my dreams and hopes slipping away. Everything I have hoped for or looked for to seems to be running away. And I'm left asking "Why?" Why does it seem like everything I hope for doesn't seem to be possible? Why can't I have what I wish for? Why does it seem like a continual stripping by God? I have felt at times that He doesn't want me to have what I hope for. I'm not worth of such things. He simply delights in keeping things at arm's length, letting me just reach and then pulling it out of reach once again. And I'll admit this has caused a great deal of frustration and questioning directed towards Him. Why does He continue to taunt me? Why does He not allow such things to be in my life? Why does He seem to drag me along this path He's set before me, never giving light to what lies ahead? Even now I feel like I'm stumbling in the dark, grasping for something to latch on to, some point in which to direct myself. Yet there's nothing. I don't know what He has in store for me. I don't even comprehend why He continues to hound me, drawing me forward and bringing all of these things into my life. What is the point of all of this? What is the reason for all of this pain? This confusion? This frustration? This disappointment? These... unknowns? I'm having a hard time seeing the love right now.

And yet, I have been reminded of who He is. When I allow my frustrations to die down and my emotions to be calmed, I once more remember the words He once spoke to me. He does love me and He does want me to have joy and peace. I am His son, and He is my loving Father. It's not that He's trying torment me, denying all that I desire and hope for. That is not the purpose in all of this. In fact, that is not why these situations have played out as they have. This is simply how things are. I can question all I want, seeking for answers which I may never have. But I am realizing that is not what is most productive. I have a hard time saying this, especially because I do not want to lose what I once had. But that is what change is... letting go of once was and moving forward to what lies ahead. Do I approve? Do I enjoy this? No. But do I accept it? ....... Yes. I know that He has been faithful before, bringing about good, even in the midst of pain. And I must believe that He is continuing to do so even now. I don't understand or comprehend. I cannot see what lies ahead. Right now, it all is blanketed by darkness. Yet God moves in the darkness, leading me on one step at a time. I'm reminded of Hebrews 11, where the author speaks of those pillars of faith. They did not see what laid ahead. In fact, many of them faced discouragement on constant basis. Yet, they did not falter in their faith towards the Father. They knew that He had given them His promise, and they knew that He was faithful in fulfilling His promises. And so they held on to the promise, placing their faith in His guidance. Even though they did not see the end, receive what they wished for or even knew what their next step was, they pressed on in light of their faith.

In these same ways, I must hold to those truths which I know. I know from past experience that God has been faithful to me, providing me what I needed when I needed it and even allowing me to experience joy and happiness. He has provided for me when I have needed it, even thought it hasn't always been in the way I expected. He has been my constant companion, present even when I feel utterly alone and abandoned. He has brought me through trials and difficulties. He has helped me to shoulder and conquer those burdens which have been placed on me. Even in my weakness He has chosen to partner with me. I have seen His glory shine out of the darkness. I have seen His hope continue even in the midst of adversity. I have been blessed to have friends come into my life when I have needed them, people who have truly loved and cared for me, standing by me even in my darkest hours. They have supported and encouraged me, pulling me forward when I have felt like collapsing under the weight my hopelessness and loneliness. I have never truly been alone, for I have always had someone there who allows me to open my heart to them. I have experienced love. And, above all, I have a Father who truly and deeply loves me, more than all others. He has made me, stitched me together and filled me with His Spirit, creating the unique person who is Ben. He has loved me for what I am, flawed and broken that I am. He continues to guide and lead me, helping me through these times when I have been broken and feel like giving up. He is faithful. And He loves me. I must never forget this.

There is always love.