Reflections

Yesterday involved an enlightening experience for me. For one of my assignments for school, I am having to bring together different resources from these past four years of college to show that I have met the department goals set by the department. Well, one of the things which I decided to use where my journals. As you would expect, I had to read back through my entries so as to see if they contained anything I could use. Even though I quickly shifted through them, I was still struck by some of the things I had written.

My goodness, how I have grown and matured over these past few years. It amazes me to look back at some of the things I had written down. My outlook on life, my ability to observe and even my ability to critically think have all grown. Looking back, I can see many of my attributes being laid bare, and I can see how they were worked and refined with time. As I read, I began to realize a pattern in myself. There seemed to be a consistent relationship between two specific characteristics in myself. It appears that I am in a constant state of striving to be comfortable while always being changed.

The pattern seemed to consist of this. I reach a state in life where I am happy with things. Life is going well and I seem to be doing fine. My relationships with God and people are good. And then, something comes along which completely shifts this. Sometimes it is a sudden occurrence, taking place quickly. Other times it is a gradual process, taking place over a time. Either something comes along which challenges my perception of life and forces me to change or it is a gradual process, sometimes unseen, which slowly changes me. Either way, though, changes come. I cannot stop them, for they are a part of life.

As I see this pattern, I then realize that the pattern is once again occurring. So soonly I will be entering into the next chapter of life, ushered in by my graduation from college. And the scary thing is, I don't know what changes are taking place. I've seen my life ripped apart as each thing I have held to was taken away. This particular period of change has been one of the hardest to face. And I don't know where things are leading. Previously, I have almost always had some end goal in view, something which I could direct the changes towards. This time around, though, I see nothing. I have nothing in store for me, and I have nothing which I can ground myself in, knowing that this will come with the change. Life is simply changing, and I don't know why.

Stopping at this point, as I have been doing regularly, leaves me in a pretty bleak place. Life seems pretty miserable with everything I've held dear being stripped away. My journals have reminded me of an important part of this pattern of change. God has been and is always in control, and He has something which He is working this change towards. Even if I don't know what it is presently, I know that He is working. I may forget this fact, but that doesn't mean it is not true. Something will come of all these changes. There is something waiting for me after graduation.

Right now, though, I am left with one option in life. I need to loosen my grip on life. I have been wanting to hold on so closely to these things which have meant so much to me, these things which have become intertwined with my very life over these four years. I may not understand these changes. Shoot, right now most of them don't even make sense. And yes, this changing process is painful. I have realized, though, that I cannot lose my grip on the two things which will carry me through this time. Hope and faith. There is a future, and there is a plan. I must trust that it is so, even when I cannot see it. So, lead me on, Lord. Continue to guide me where You want.