The Father's Love

I'll be honest, these past few months have not been pleasant on me. It would seem like I have been squeezed like a ketchup bottle, and what's poured forth from my insides has not been pleasant. There's been a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, a lot of cynicism, a lot of loneliness. This past wee while has been marked by a very quick drop in my self-esteem and own feelings of worth. As I have taken assessment of myself, I keep seeing every single one of my faults... seeing myself as nothing more than a failure not worth anyone's time, energy or thought. It hasn't helped that these times of thought have been fed by my time alone. That seems to be the standard cycle of things. Due to circumstances in others' lives, I found myself alone for a good portion of my free time. In this free time, these wounds would only fester and grow. This in turn caused me to withdraw even more into my pain, making me more undesirable to be around. It's been a vicious cycle, being added to with my graduation and coming home. It has been a lonely occurrence coming home. I spend the majority of my time picking strawberries and free time is usually spent simply hanging around the house. When I encounter friends from the past, I feel like I am encountering a ghost. I remember the relationship which used to exist, but which no longer stands. Both of us have grown and entered different life circumstances... and I don't know where I stand. And again, this just adds to my downward spiral. It feels like one more burden, one more twinge of pain added to my burden and I simply withdraw back into my shell.

And I can see how this attitude has affected my relationship with God. My view of myself has affected how I feel God views me. I'm simply the little peon that He uses when He wants to. I have felt at times that He doesn't care for me, that He doesn't have any sort of plan in store for me, simply because I'm not worth His time. I search for some sort of guidance and path for where to go now that I've graduated and I hear nothing. I try to search and find something to follow, but then these things each have the door closed on them. It seems that no matter where I turn, what I do, what I plan, God is there blocking my path. I haven't felt His love, His joy or His peace in quite some time. Pain, disregard and rejection instead have been the most common feelings as of late.

Last night, though, I was reading in my current book of interest, The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen, and something seemed to stick. The things Nouwen had to say in regard to the parable of the prodigal son struck a cord on my heart. In this chapter, he describes the father from the parable. "His seeing is an eternal seeing, a seeing that reaches out to all of humanity. It is a seeing that understands the lostness of women and men of all times and places, that knows with immense compassion the suffering of those who have chosen to leave home, that cried oceans of tears as they got caught in anguish and agony. The heart of the father burns with an immense desire to bring his children home... How much would he have liked to pull them back with his fatherly authority and hold them close to himself so that they would not get hurt. But His love is too great to do any of that. It cannot force, constrain, push, or pull. It offers the freedom to reject that love or to love in return. It is precisely the immensity of the divine love that is the source of the divine suffering. God, creator of heaven and earth, has chosen to be, first and foremost, a Father."

He continues with this. "The Father wants to say, more with his touch than with his voice, good things of his children. He has no desire to punish them. They have already been punished excessively by their own inner or outer waywardness. The Father wants simply to let them know that the love they have searched for in such distorted ways has been, is, and always will be there for them."

These words cut deep in me. They have reminded me of the Father's love. He is not seeking to cast down nor destroy me. He doesn't view me as the unwanted failure, the backup person chosen only when all other options have been exhausted. No... His love for me is strong and pure. And for every pain I have felt, for every tear which I have shed, He has been right there with me... suffering the hurt with me, facing uncertainty by my side, shedding the tears with me... all while wrapping me up in His divine embrace. He did not wished for this pain to occur. They were not a part of His plan. Even though I see myself as worthless, His heart has still broken offer what I have felt. And it is not because I am some great significant person that He has ached for me. It is simply because He is my Father and I His child. Huh. It's been a while since I've viewed God as my loving Father. Lately, it has been more as my Lord, the person ruling over me and chastising me for not being something great. But the truth is He is Father, and He loves me.

I'm not sure where you might be right now nor what you might be going through. But let Nouwen's words echo in your heart too. God's heart aches when He sees His children going through pain and evil. He did not desire nor will this hurt to happen. Yet, His love can do nothing but allow it. But don't do as I have done. Don't forget His love and pull into the pain. Instead, fall into His embrace. Fall into the Father's love. The pain won't go away. That doesn't seem to be how it works. He will, though, surround you with His love and support you through these uncertain times. His love brings peace and joy. I lost sight of that for a wee bit. Don't you lose sight, though. Don't forget His love. The Father hasn't forgotten about you.