Jealousy...

Hol. Lee. Crap. Has it really been a month and a half since my last post? Man, have I been slacking. Welp... I suppose that just means I'll need to get to posting again, doesn't it?

Here lately, I've had an interesting thought rattling around in my little noggin. I recently heard someone mention the idea of God being a jealous God. Jealousy isn't normally a viewed as a good thing. So, this has caused me to process further what all this statement contains. Here are a few of my thoughts.

God's jealousy for us is not like our jealousy. It is not based on selfish desires. It is more akin to the desire of a husband for his wife. The husband desires to be with his bride, to share in life and experience the joy of being with each other. The husband is not jealous of his bride. The word "of" is key here. This jealousy would mean he wants to possess her. He has to be with her and control all she does. If someone else spends time with her, he becomes upset. No one else may share what he has. This jealousy is unhealthy and many times what we experience.

God, on the other hand, is jealous for us. He wants to be with us and share life with His creation. His jealousy is based on love. He cannot bear to think of the Church, His bride, going off and giving herself to another. He knows of the pain and the hurt this will bring. Instead, He wants to be with her and to hold her close to Himself, nurturing and guiding her throughout life. The thing with God is this. He will pursue. He will call out. But He will not force. Human jealousy ends up with force and ripping away. It ends in with individuals being left torn and incomplete. God's jealousy ends in fullness. When a person finally finds themselves back in His arms, he or she finds themselves made complete. Christ completes. He desires to see this brought to bear in our lives.

So yeah... those are my thoughts. Granted, they are rather random and incomplete. But it was a thought that had struck me a few days back. I'm just amazed at how God jealously desires me. He wants to be with me, to hold me in His embrace. But He won't force Himself on me. I must choose to walk towards Him. Too many times I seem to choose to do the opposite...

Anywho, I'm about finished with my cup of cranberry/ apple juice. This means it is time to end this post. Later, peeps. I promise I will write sooner than last time.

Peace.

Intimacy

Over the past few days, there has been a speaker at GCU named Josh Riebock who has spoken at the chapel services. Something he said at theGathering Tuesday night has stuck with me. He spoke on the idea of having intimacy, having a real, deep, connected relationship, with God. What does it look like to have intimacy, true intimacy, with my Father? As it should, this has gotten me thinking about my own life and where I stand with Him.

As I evaluate my own life, I've begun to realize that I am lacking in the department of true connectedness with Him. I either am simply catching Him at a moment's notice before moving on to the next task or I'm drowning out those silent times with noise. Maybe it's just me but I find those silent times a bit uncomfortable. It might be because I know if I truly listened, I would be shaken by what I hear... Whatever the reason, I realize that my level of relationship with God is low.

Let's look at a real relationship, shall we? In a healthy relationship, one of the key features is time. The two parties spend time together; real time that is not rushed or forced. They simply exist together. A relationship is not built off of a few minutes here and there. It is built from taking time to be in each others' presence. Another key feature of a healthy relationship is communication. All of the talking is not done by one person. Both parties need to be sharing. And both need to be listening. One can talk, but it becomes fruitless if the other is not taking in what is being said.

Sadly when I look at my relationship with God, this is what I see. I'm taking no time whatsoever to be in the Master's presence. When I am taking time out to simply be with Him, I am the one talking. I'm constantly sharing what I want to be known and then leaving it that. True, He wants to hear from me, be it big or little. Yet, He has so much more that He wants to tell me. A great thought presented by Josh dealt with our perception of approaching God. He looked at it from the view of a master and a servant. When have you ever seen or heard of a servant who approached his master and addresses him nonchalantly. The servant would walk in and quickly say, "Oh, sorry, sir. I got caught up in my own affairs. I hope all is well with you. Later." I personally don't think the servant would last very long with that attitude. Instead, a servant enters his master's presence and then waits. He will wait for however long until the master has dismissed him. There may be long stretches of silence, yet the servant will continue to wait patiently. With this in mind, I have only one response. Boy, do I suck as a servant...

So, I suppose my thought right now is this. Seek that intimacy with God. Seek that gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, nerve-wracking, life-shattering, all-encompassing love which comes from sharing in true, unrelenting intimacy with the Most High. God wants that intimacy. He's rather stubborn when it comes to a relationship with His children. He'll keep pursuing, even if we don't see it. Just... don't leave Him waiting. I do that far too often...

Peace.

A Nice, Easy Morning

I've got my nice bowl of Lucky Charms going this morning and some time to spare before heading in to work, so I thought I would take some time to relax and do some blogging, especially since it's been quite some time since I've been able to write.

Man, things have certainly been fast-paced recently. There's been training for the past few weeks, and this past weekend was move-in with all of the students. The atmosphere of the campus has certainly changed. For some reason have around 1000 students arrive does that... I've also started my grad classes. And here I thought I would be done with homework. Ha. Overall, things have been amazingly good. The team of RAs are amazing. The group of students have been fun and for the most part engaging with the activities going on around campus. Dude! Saturday night, GCU bought a water park out here for the evening. That was such a fun time hanging out with students and simply playing in a pretty sweet water park. And the scenery only made it better. Phoenix had a rather big storm move through the area (we passed a car that had a decent sized limb on it) and the clouds were still hanging around. The park itself was clear, but almost all the way around it there were thunder clouds. Lightning kept lighting up the clouds and the mountains around the area. Simple put: breathtaking.

So yeah... things here are definitely picking up. This week should see me settling into my "normal" routine with everything. Even in the midst of all of this busyness, I'm still finding myself standing in awe of how God continues to move. The level of passion for Him in the student leaders here is humbling. The scope of blessing in my life has left me speechless. I don't know how to thank Him for everything He has done. Even when I doubted and wanted to throw my hands up in frustration, He continues to provide. My desire now is to find a way in which to give back. He has provided all of this for me. How can I now turn this blessing back to Him, pouring it out on those around me? This is what I desire. I want to see Him glorified through what I say and do here. I don't want to simply sit on this blessing and keep it to myself.

Anyway, there's my little update for the time. Hopefully I'll have more opportunities to write now that training is over.

Blessings, my friends.

Blessings

My first week here in Phoenix has almost reached it's conclusion. I must say, this week has been incredibly encouraging. The people, the activities, the environment... shoot, even my living conditions and the items I have been given over these past few days, weeks and months has been amazing. I'm left speechless at the enormous amount of blessings which have been poured out on me. I'm astounded at how much God has provided me. This environment is one which I am excited to be working in. The people here have a great attitude towards their work, focusing on the students and their needs above all. The actual environment of Phoenix that I'm in is great too. Granted, it's not going to be the most comfortable of environments. It's a far cry from the firefly-saturated fields of Indiana. Shoot... some of the stories make me laugh at the situation. For example, they said not to panic if I hear gun shots. That's just a part of the area.

But these circumstances make me excited. Much like Scotland, my perception on the world is once more about to be stretched, challenged and changed. I'm meeting new people and encountering new things. This new chapter is going to be yet again a life-forming time in my life. It will be hard and challenging at times, but I'm looking forward to this growth. It will be good.

At the same time, I must admit I'm a little frightened with what this new position means. I have been insanely blessed over these last few weeks. It feels like God has poured out one blessing after another. For some reason He finds it a good idea to take this action. Yet, I'm scared of what this might entail. I hold to the idea that to whom much is given, much is required. I don't mean to say that God pours out His blessings with a price. What I mean is that I have been given a great deal... provided housing, a great place to work, things to help me function in life comfortably. I cannot simply sit on these things and keep them to myself. I have been given these things for a reason. I believe that there is some purpose or role that God is calling me to fulfill. These blessings are my proverbial talents. When the master comes to settle accounts with His property, (for these things are not my own, but His) what will I have to show for my time here? And I must admit that I am scared of failure. I don't want to come up short.

So, I must turn to Him, seeking for His clarity in the path which has been laid before me. May I see the opportunities as they come. May I grasp these times with confidence and assurance in my abilities. May I bring You glory and honor through the words I say, the actions I take and the life I live. I make this my prayer as this time of newness and refreshing opens.

Blessings, my friends.

The 2 X 4 of Life Cometh

Here, on the eve of departure, reality is suddenly kicking in. As Dad would put it, I feel like I'm being hit in the head by a 2 x 4. The reality is that tomorrow I leave for Arizona, where I'll be starting in with my new job and new life. This simply leaves me stunned. It's crazy that I have come to this point. It still feels quite unreal with the whole thing. Am I really leaving the fields of Indiana and heading out there? Won't I continue to wake up and follow my routine here at home? What am I talking about, leaving home and moving out there? I'm not really doing that, am I?

Yet, the truth of the matter is I am. This new chapter of my life is preparing to unfold. And I am having some major mixed emotions about the whole thing. First of all, there is a good deal of sadness and grief. For the new to take place, the old must change. In a way, it must be left behind. I don't really like this term because I consider my family as a part of this current life. To say it must pass away makes me feel like I will never see them again. That being the case, I think I'll settle for using the term "change". My relationship with them, and with others, will still exist. But a major change it what these relationships look like is about to occur. So, there is some sadness. Seeing these things change and become a part of my past is hard. But come it must.

On the flip side, there is a lot of excitement with this move. Here is a new and exciting step in my life. I'm going to get to go meet new people and engage in new things. There are new sights to see, new experiences to be had, new relationships to develop. This next chapter in my life is going to be another moment growth and change. And I'm excited for it. I've seen how God has brought these things together so perfectly. In the midst of one of the lowest times in my life, what with low self-esteem, some depression issues and a severe lack of seeing God's love for me, I stand amazed at how He moved and brought all of these things together in His timing. As I look ahead in life, I still have no idea what is in store for me. Honestly, I have next to no clue at all what exactly my role with Grand Canyon will consist of. What I do know is that, much like Scotland, God is bringing me there for a reason. And, going of a good friend's advice from tonight, I need to make myself present where I am at. I don't need to worry about the past, future or even what else is going on at the time. I am where I am for a reason, and I need to strive to thrive as best as I can with what I'm doing.

So, I look ahead to my departure tomorrow, unsure of what lies in store for me. There's a lot of uncertainty ahead (like 99% of what my life will entail). What I do know is that my next chapter is unfolding in front of me. It's time to step forward to my next adventure.

Blessings, my friends.

A Silent Presence

In church today I actually heard something which I rarely hear from the front. The pastor was speaking from Daniel 3, which is the account of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego and the furnace. The point which the pastor made was that it is normal for Christians to suffer and not hear from God, nor even see Him working, for long stretches of time. I feel like we rarely address this part of our faith, holding to the idea that if we trust in God and do all of the right things everything will turn out peachy. But that is not true. Following God can be incredibly tough and the road is often littered with pain.

The story of these three shows this fact quite clearly. I many times forget their history, concentrating on the immediate story in chapter 3. They started off in the royal palace in Judah, having an education and most likely plenty of privileges. They watched as the Babylonian Empire advanced towards their kingdom. They more than likely called out to God, asking for His protection and salvation from this threat. Yet, Judah still fell. They then saw themselves carted off as slaves to Babylon, where they were subjected to cultural brainwashing and completely stripped of their very identity, even given new Babylonian names. They more than likely called out to God throughout this whole ordeal, asking for Him to intervene and save them. Yet, the response they received was silence. Then we come upon chapter 3. The statue had been erected and they were to bow down in worship or face death. Yet these 3 men stood their ground, refusing to give worship to anyone but the most High God. When they faced the furnace, their reply to Nebuchadnezzar was that they worship no one but God and that He can save them from the flames. Even if He didn't, they would still follow Him alone.

I've never approached their story in this manner before. Their faith in God is astounding. They had every reason to say that God no longer cared for them, that He had abandoned them and that they were on their own. He had remained silent in those other times when they cried out for Him. Yet, here they were, facing death and yet remaining steadfast in their faith. They knew God can move and save. They didn't know if He would or not, but they still believed in Him.

I hear this and then I look at myself. I get so upset when I don't feel like I'm hearing anything from God for a few weeks or even months. I complain that He's abandoned me, that He doesn't truly care, that I'm on my own. Yet that isn't true by any means. He's still there, even in the silence. I need to learn how to be at peace in this silence, grounding my faith on the truth and love which I have already experienced. He is faithful, even when I can't seem to see it.

So yeah... this was something I found really cool from the sermon this morning and I wanted to share. Hope you found it as encouraging as I did.

Peace, my friends.

Ponderings as of Late

So, as of late I feel like I've been on a wee bit of an emotional roller coaster ride. I find myself down in the dumps one minute, soaring on cloud 9 the next and then suddenly back down in the depths of depression. And it seems like the simplest of things can set me off on this roller coaster. I know it's not really the little things which are causing this fluctuation. There's something deeper going on in me, and I've been trying to lay a finger on what it is exactly. So, maybe I can process some of my thoughts here and see where it gets me.

This past wee while has been, as is apparent from my previous posts, a rough time for me. I've had some major disappointments and let-downs come my way, many of which has caused a lot of... well... emotional trauma is the best way to describe it. I've doubted myself, my role in life, even my own worth as a person. Basically I cast my own self out as worthless and not deserving of anyone's time. Coupled with these thoughts and emotions was the fact that my life seems to be in a constant state of change right now. I finished off my final semester of university and had started to look ahead into the giant blank that is my future. And I was scared. I feel inadequate to do much of anything, I have no idea what I can do or where I can go, my close friends where all leaving and going their separate ways, and for much of this time I had nothing on which to ground myself.

With so many changes coming so fast, my already hyper-charged emotions have been getting hit pretty hard. One minute I'm feeling hopeful about things, feeling like I'm on top of the world. Something happens or I catch a passing comment and I find myself starting back down that destructive spiral. I know this spiral spawns from something other than the circumstance, but I can't seem to nail it down. I think a part of it comes from my own insecurities, especially those that have been drug up recently. Maybe it's because I don't fully know how to cope with all of these changes, especially the loses which seem to be happening so regularly. Maybe it's these feelings of being so small in a world that is so big. I don't fully understand my place in this world, but I have come to realize just how big it is and how small I am. That could easily cause some interesting emotions.

It's interesting, though. As I am sitting here, processing all of these thoughts and feelings that I have been having, I have the song "How He Loves" playing on my lappy. And I'm being struck once more by just how wide and deep His love for me is. No matter what comes my way, no matter what emotional trauma I seem to be experiencing, He is still constantly there, supporting and encouraging me. He is the Father, running out to meet me while I trudge towards the house, ashamed of my actions. Even when I feel abandoned and alone, He is still there. And you know... I think that's what I needed to acknowledge. I don't know fully what has caused this roller coaster in me. Most likely it's been a multitude of circumstances and events all coming together into a perfect storm of discouragement. What I do know is what the cure is. It's His embrace. I find myself awestruck when I think about His love for me. He's right there beside me, suffering when I suffer and rejoicing when I rejoice. No matter how worthless and rejected I feel by others, He is still there with open arms inviting me into His warm embrace. And you know something? When I think about that, I don't feel so down anymore...

Peace, my friends.