In the Way of Sesame Street

In case you haven't realized this little fact, it is December. In fact, we are more than half way through December. For many of you, this little fact brings to mind that Christmas is just around the corner. As for myself, yes, this is a thought which is on my mind. Especially when I think about how different Christmas will be for me this year, being still out on PRIME and away from my family. But the thought that is really sitting on my mind when I think about the date is that my time here is so quickly running down. I have now entered into my final month here in Dundee.

It's weird for me to think about this little fact. I have really settled into my role here, living in Dundee and being capable of taking care of myself. Soon, though, my life will once more shifting. I will be packing up and preparing to enter back into the world of the U.S. This is a bit of an intimidating thought. I've been gone for a whole month. Lives have moved on since I was last there, as has mine. I've encountered situations and issues beyond what I had experienced previously. And I've grown from these encounters. I'm not the same as when I first set foot in Dundee. And life back home won't be the same either.

Life doesn't seem to like to stay stagnant for very long. Upon my return, I'm heading back to school. Then, in five months or so, I'll be entering into a whole new chapter of my life. This little thing called graduation is quickly approaching. After that, I will no longer have school in the fall to look forward to. With this in mind, I find myself quite intimidated by what is to come. It's like a big fog which my vision can't penetrate.

See, my life seems to have taken on the method of Sesame Street. Remember how each episode would be brought to you by a specific number and letter? They were the theme for the whole episode, being brought up at every possible moment by the characters until it was ingrained in your small impressionable mind. Well, I feel that my life has taken on a similar style of learning. Instead of a letter or number, I seem to have a word. And this word is: change.

Everywhere I look, I see change taking place. My thoughts, my opinions, my experiences, my relationships, my plans, my hopes, my dreams... most everything seems to keep getting touched by change. And with this change comes growth. Every experience works to better create me into the man that I need to be. Thing is... I have a hard time of seeing that end destination. I have no clue where God is taking me or what He's preparing me for. I kind of feel like I'm just along for the ride. And my jerk reaction is to get uptight, fearful and try to take back control. But, when I actually take time to think, I realize that's the worst thing I could be doing. God is in control. He's guided me this far and He's placed me in locations where I have learned so much and have developed beyond what I thought possible. Yeah, things have been painful at times. Yeah, sometimes life does suck. But, when it all boils down, each thing which has come my way has simply been the next step forward for me.

With this in mind, I have but one choice. I need to let go and lay all that I have; all my hopes, dreams, desires, anxiety, fears, at His feet. When I let go and trust Him, putting my faith in the promise that He will continue to guide me along through my life, I can find peace. And I can face that mysterious unknown hovering up ahead. I don't know what is in store. I can hope, but I don't know. I simply have to wait on Him and pursue with all my strength the roles He places before me.

who do you say i am?

In my ponderings these past few days, I have had this specific passage sticking out in my mind. It’s Mark 8:27-30, where Jesus is walking with the disciples and He begins to question them. He looks to them and asks, “Who do the people say that I am?” The disciples all then begin to pitch in names, calling off the top answers they’ve heard from all of the different people they’ve met on their journey. Oh, some say you’re one of the old greats, come back to us. You’re one of the prophets, here to help bring us back on track. And then, I just picture Him nodding His head, pausing... and then looking directly at them and saying, “But who do you say that I am?” And then there’s a long pause. The disciples suddenly find themselves rolling around in their minds all of these different names and roles they’ve attributed to Jesus. And they are stumped. Who is this man before them? And then, nervously, Peter speaks up and says, “You are the Christ.”

Right now I find myself facing this same question. Over the few short years and experiences which create the story of my life, I have encountered many different descriptions and roles of this man named Jesus. It seems that in these many centuries since He walked the earth, Jesus has had many different people try to say who He is. The list seems to go on and on. Savior. Redeemer. Lover. Friend. Unifier. Divider. Willful Giver. Jealous Keeper. A Middle-Eastern Man from Nazareth. A Man Who Goes Beyond Culture. Simple. Complex. Peace and Tranquility. Disturber of the Peace. Gentle Father. Harsh Judge. Rule Maker. Rule Breaker. Friend of the Poor. The list, I’ve found, goes on and on. I find I can easily answer His first question. Every generation has seemed to come up with an explanation of who He is.

But I find myself in that same position with the second question. He’s looked me directly in the eyes and has asked, “But who do you say that I am?” And I find myself at a loss of words. Who do I say He is……………..

I want to call off all of these different roles and adjectives which I feel describe Him. But, as they appear on my lips, I find these words somewhat inadequate. I feel like I’m… boxing Him up. I’m forcing Jesus into the role that I’ve allotted for Him. But is that who I want to say He is? For some reason, it just seems so…. insignificant. He is so much more than what I think. He’s more than my Savior. He’s more than Lord. He’s more than peace, love, justice, disturber of the peace or even a man from Nazareth. I’m finding the only appropriate response I can think of is the same as Peter.

He is the Christ.

I don’t fully grasp this. I doubt during the short story which is my existence I will ever fully grasp the significance to this statement. There’s so much to it. But what I have learned, and what I hope to share with you, is that I need to throw off my preconceptions of who He is. I cannot allow Him to become weighed down and defined by the different definitions conjured up by someone else. Like Peter, I need to allow God to be the one to reveal who His Son truly is. I need to let God shatter my boxes and instead let Him show me who He is.

The question’s been asked. “But who do you say that I am?”

Stars

During this time of year, it becomes a very traditional past time to spend time with those you love. These people can be your family, friends, significant others. The point is, this is a time when you connect with them and share that binding love which you share. You may have not seen them for the past few months, but as the weather begins to get colder and the sunlight a bit less each day, there's this sense in the air that the holidays are coming. No matter where your stance is about this time of the year, it is hard to deny the fact that there are distinct feelings which arise from the depths of our hearts, much like the proverbial Christmas lights from the depths of the attic.

One of the things which has struck me, though, is how I am not going to have that this year. It's quite hard to saunter on over to see my family or friends when there is a sizable puddle to jump in the process. And that is when it really sinks in. I'm far away, disconnected from that which I have grown up with and called home. At times, I feel like all of those things which I have grown to take as the norm are a world away. I'm simply far removed and disconnected. This is especially true with Thanksgiving past and Christmas to come. These holidays, which are times of gathering to see family, are going to be spent quite different than normal for me.

Yet, on a nice brisk evening walk I took tonight, I discovered something. Yes, I am in a different world, if you will. I'm almost half a world away from the fields of Indiana. I'm in a culture that is different from my previous experiences. There are so many new and wonderful things for me to experience and learn. And I am learning that home is not so far away.
Looking up into the clear, black sky, I saw these twinkling lights off in the distance. We see them regularly throughout our lives, shining away throughout the night. They have become such a commonplace thing that many times they can be overlooked. But I realized something. As I looked up, gazing at the stars in the sky, I began to pick out the constellations that I knew. And it dawned on me... these are the exact same stars that I saw back home. And for most of you, as you step outside at night and gaze upward, you will see those same twinkling lights. And that's a comforting thought. Yes, we may seem worlds apart. This holiday season, you may be finding yourself in the same circumstances as myself, spending it away from that which you see as normal. Yet, we really are not that far apart. And every place we find ourselves journeying through is just another extent of our family. God has made us each unique, each creating our own piece of music through our traditions and cultures. When they come together, though, a great symphony can be heard.

So, I realized, on my nice peaceful walk home tonight, that home, just like the stars, can be seen everywhere. No matter our circumstances or life conditions right now, home is where you make it. Feel encouraged, knowing that when you are thought of and missed, then you are there in that place in spirit. And when you start to feel alone in this world, take time to gaze up at those stars shining all around and realize, we are all within a mile of home.

Entering the Final Lap

Well, all... first off I apologize for the delay between writings. I seemed to have gotten a bit distracted as of late and haven't taken the time to sit down and write. Oops.

Things here are proceeding very nicely. It's been really amazing to see how the relationships I've been working at have grown and developed into what they are now. I now feel that the young people are open to me and willing to talk, which is really amazing. Looking ahead, I'm going to be really sad to go and leave these relationships.

Which kind of brings up the thing which has been on my heart as of late. It has really set in that I have reached my two months left here. My time right now in Dundee is drawing to a close. And this time will be going so fast. I have the rest of November, the first few weeks in December and then some time for the holidays will arrive. During that time, my family will be coming for a visit. Yes, that is right... Waterman family reunion here in Scotland. But right after they leave I will have to start preparing myself to leave. And that seems to create a rather odd mix of feelings in myself. I am very much so missing home, but I am also sad to see my time here draw to a close. With that, my mind has already started to wander down the path of preparing to head home and what all that will entail. Although there is some planning which will need done, I still cannot allow myself to dwell there. I must remain fully and completely immersed in what I am doing here.

I suppose this is a lesson in what it means to make sacrifices. Yes, I would love to be home, with my family and my friends right now. But that is not possible. And I need to accept that. For the time being I am here. And I am seeing amazing things taking place in my time here. I have had so many different lessons over these past few months. I've had numerous relationships built up. I have seen so many amazing things in my time here. And I still have 2 months left. That is incredibly exciting for me. There is still so much potential for what can happen here. So, I suppose my lesson at this time is not to dwell on what I am missing. Instead, I need to focus on what it is I am getting to experience. That's the big difference in how I feel, huh? God has placed me here for the time being. I can only continue to give myself over to Him and let Him lead as He wills. Soon enough I will be home again. For the time being, though, I will be making my home here in Dundee.

Step Up and Step Out

Man, as I sit here I realize that things sure are flying by swiftly. If feels just like yesterday that I was starting October. Now here I am getting ready to finish the month off. But it's been a good month. Things have been going well at Hot Chocolate. I'm really starting to mesh in with the young people there. This past weekend we had the Weekend Away, where we went up north into the absolutely stunning countryside of Scotland and spent some time with some of the young people. It was a really really good weekend where a lot of growth and relationship building seemed to take place. Now I am back in good ole D-town.

The past few weeks have been filled with much growth in my own personal character. I've had a chance to really stand back at myself and look at who I am. And I've really come to pick up on a trait that I feel like needed some work. This attribute was confidence. Having taken the time to look at myself, I've come to realize that I am not the most confident of people. I allow myself to give in and let things pass because I don't want to damage a relationship or risk confrontation. I know... not the best way to handle things, but it was something that I found to exist in myself.

Realizing this, I have worked to grow my level of confidence in myself and my abilities. And I've come to learn something. Confidence is a key component in leadership. How can people have faith in and follow you if you can't even have faith in yourself? Granted some of us are leaders right now, while others find themselves in less prominent positions of leaderships. This might cause some of you to think, "Good idea, but it's not something I need to hear or develop." But my challenge to you is to grow as I am growing. Confidence goes beyond just positions of leadership. We need to have faith in ourselves. Even when we preform the most rudimentary tasks, we need to have confidence in our own abilities. Having this confidence can make all the difference between standing up and living life to the full and sitting by and letting the world pass you by.

Christ has called us to life. I believe this life includes stepping out and really living it, experiencing all the wonder and beauty He has placed around us. I don't mean to be coming across here as "go out and live life to the full... eat, drink and be merry" type of way. What I mean to say is we have been called to life. Unless we are confident in ourselves, we will end up sitting back and letting life pass us by simply because we don't have the confidence in ourselves to step out and live. We must be willing to tread the path less traveled. We must be confident that no matter if we fail or soar, we will strike out and try new things. We must be willing to sacrifice that thing called pride in order to meet those in need around us. These are lessons that I am most assuredly still learning. But as I learn and grow in my confidence, I am learning that it does indeed lead to a much more fulfilling life. So, try it out for yourself. Fear not in failure or awkwardness. As I've learned from a girl I work with, if you don't overcome your fears and just do it, then you're going to look back and regret it for the rest of your life.

So, step out my friends. Encounter the world. And be confident in yourself. I believe in you.

The Simple Pleasures...

So, I've come to realize something recently. Life can be really complicated. There can be so much junk going on that your mind just gets clogged, your energy is zapped and life just seems to keep trudging on at an even pace. Mind you, I haven't yet reached the stage of trudging through life, but I will admit that things have been giving me lots to think about. This past week has been crazy with stuff happening, both at Hot Chocolate and just personally. And I realized something. I've allowed that spark of joy inside of me to fade just a wee bit. And if that spark completely goes out, well... I guess I'm just trudging along through life then, eh?

How did I come to realize this? Well, it's odd, but I'd have to say I didn't realize it was gone until I had it back. And how did I find my joy again? Well, it's kinda weird, but it fits me I suppose. It's been rediscovered through the joy of simple things. I find that many times I make life so stinkin complicated. I just start to think way too much about things, and thus start to worry and become cynical. And please, don't get me wrong, thinking and processing thoughts is great and necessary. That's not what I'm saying. My problem was I have been starting to tense up and worry about my performance here. And that was leading to just worrying about stuff all the time.

But this past Monday reminded me... it's good to forget about that stress and worry and simply remember the things that make you smile. And a lot of those smiles came through thinking of the simple childhood like things. Things that strip away the walls and barriers I've set up and just cut straight to that innocent core inside. I realized that many times I don't want to let my guard down because someone might see who I really am. What if they think I'm incapable of whatever or they think I'm weird? But, then I realized... the most fun in life seems to come when I let go of all of that and enjoy the simple, little joys of life. Such as singing to myself. Or imagining I'm a Jedi with automatic doors. It's a small reminder that life is good... and it should be enjoyed. I know, it's not profound or anything. But I find it's true. Those little joys are a great refresher to an otherwise overbearing world.

So, I challenge you now as I challenge myself. Don't worry about what others will think. Don't keep those barriers in place so that the kid inside will never get out. Instead, enjoy your life. Build a tent fort. Hum the theme to Winnie the Pooh. As you walk, imagine what it would be like if everyone was a Jedi and carried a lightsaber. Think about what you would do if you could have a pet dinosaur. I don't care. Just enjoy the simple things of life. I find at least for myself that's what makes life so fulfilling.

A Prayer of a Ben

Sacrifice. That seems to be Your word for the day. i have grown up hearing about sacrifice. "Give all that you have over to God. When you do, you will find joy and happiness. Life will be so much better." Well, i'm facing sacrifice in different areas of my life, and i'm finding myself wondering what good could come from giving all. Cause it sure hurts to let go. Especially when You seem to pick those things which mean so much. You have such a great habit of choosing that which i hold so dear.

i feel that i've let go of so much for You. i've abandoned myself to follow You and let You guide my life. i've put my trust in You and walked by faith, looking to you for provision. i've left home and family due to Your guiding. and now i'm facing even more sacrifice because of Your calling. And i just want to yell out, "Why!?" Why do You ask for so much? Why are You so persistent in chasing down everything i grow attached to and asking for it?

But then, i calm down and seek for Your peace. And i hear that still small whisper of Yours. After i've thrown my fists and did my shouting, You then speak up. You say You know the pain. You say You know how hard this can be. But then You ask that i just continue to trust You, and to continue to give myself over to You. You're in control, You know what You're doing. And You won't abandon me. No matter what, You remain. i mean, shoot, once all is given up, You're the only thing left, aren't You? And maybe that's what i need right now. Just to find myself in Your presence. i've forgotten You, and now need to find You once more.

So speak, Lord God. Speak, Father, into my current circumstances. Be my guiding light and let Your Spirit be my guide. Teach me, mold me and leave me changed. You gave Your all for me. Now i need to be willing to do the same. So i sacrifice myself once more, throwing myself down at Your feet. Let Your will be done once more.

i love You.