Ponderings as of Late

So, as of late I feel like I've been on a wee bit of an emotional roller coaster ride. I find myself down in the dumps one minute, soaring on cloud 9 the next and then suddenly back down in the depths of depression. And it seems like the simplest of things can set me off on this roller coaster. I know it's not really the little things which are causing this fluctuation. There's something deeper going on in me, and I've been trying to lay a finger on what it is exactly. So, maybe I can process some of my thoughts here and see where it gets me.

This past wee while has been, as is apparent from my previous posts, a rough time for me. I've had some major disappointments and let-downs come my way, many of which has caused a lot of... well... emotional trauma is the best way to describe it. I've doubted myself, my role in life, even my own worth as a person. Basically I cast my own self out as worthless and not deserving of anyone's time. Coupled with these thoughts and emotions was the fact that my life seems to be in a constant state of change right now. I finished off my final semester of university and had started to look ahead into the giant blank that is my future. And I was scared. I feel inadequate to do much of anything, I have no idea what I can do or where I can go, my close friends where all leaving and going their separate ways, and for much of this time I had nothing on which to ground myself.

With so many changes coming so fast, my already hyper-charged emotions have been getting hit pretty hard. One minute I'm feeling hopeful about things, feeling like I'm on top of the world. Something happens or I catch a passing comment and I find myself starting back down that destructive spiral. I know this spiral spawns from something other than the circumstance, but I can't seem to nail it down. I think a part of it comes from my own insecurities, especially those that have been drug up recently. Maybe it's because I don't fully know how to cope with all of these changes, especially the loses which seem to be happening so regularly. Maybe it's these feelings of being so small in a world that is so big. I don't fully understand my place in this world, but I have come to realize just how big it is and how small I am. That could easily cause some interesting emotions.

It's interesting, though. As I am sitting here, processing all of these thoughts and feelings that I have been having, I have the song "How He Loves" playing on my lappy. And I'm being struck once more by just how wide and deep His love for me is. No matter what comes my way, no matter what emotional trauma I seem to be experiencing, He is still constantly there, supporting and encouraging me. He is the Father, running out to meet me while I trudge towards the house, ashamed of my actions. Even when I feel abandoned and alone, He is still there. And you know... I think that's what I needed to acknowledge. I don't know fully what has caused this roller coaster in me. Most likely it's been a multitude of circumstances and events all coming together into a perfect storm of discouragement. What I do know is what the cure is. It's His embrace. I find myself awestruck when I think about His love for me. He's right there beside me, suffering when I suffer and rejoicing when I rejoice. No matter how worthless and rejected I feel by others, He is still there with open arms inviting me into His warm embrace. And you know something? When I think about that, I don't feel so down anymore...

Peace, my friends.

Cliches of Trust

I feel that an update on life right now is in order. After much waiting and searching, I finally have something in which to engage myself in the near future. I have been offered a position as an Assistant Resident Director at Grand Canyon University. So, this means that come the first of August I will be moving out to Phoenix. This certainly comes as a major life change. I'm moving off to a place where I will know no one. But I'm finding myself quite excited by this coming change. Yes, there is some nervousness. I don't know fully what to expect, and I'm going to be away from the norm. The more I think about it, though, the more excited I become. Life is shaping up and, for at least the next wee while, I have a direction in which to point myself.

As I look at this and I look back at the past few months, I can see a definite change in myself concerning my attitude and approach to life. Yes, first of all, having something like this come up will certainly affect my outlook. But going beyond that I've noticed a difference in my relationship with God. These past few months, I've been upset with God. I've wanted something in which to ground myself, something which I could take a hold of and set as my foundation. Looking ahead into life, I just kept seeing this big blank sheet and it scared me. I wanted some form of direction and something tangible to set myself on. Before having my interview with Grand Canyon, I had a wee bit of an insight with my relationship with God. I can't be looking for something tangible or physical as the foundation for my hope and outlook on life. That will simply lead to the attitude I had; when there's nothing to set my hopes in, then I sink down into the depths of despair. Instead, my hopes, my attitude, my outlook on life needs to be grounded in God alone. He is the firm foundation. The reason He can be is that He is constant and He will not fail. His love for me continues on and will provide for me in my needs. This is something I had come to forget. Over this past month I came to be reminded of this, and that I need to trust in Him alone.

Granted, this sounds cheesy, especially since I'm approaching it from the standpoint that I do have a plan for the future. It seems like I'm saying the age-old cliche that if you trust in God everything will come together perfectly. Honestly, I don't think things are as easy as that. Yet, I have come to once more trust that God will take care of His children. He loves us, and He wants to strive on our behalf. It is up to us to trust in Him, knowing that He will guide and lead if we let Him. So yeah... I know... cheesy cliche here. Sounds like I'm simply saying "Trust God and everything will be alright." And I don't want to simply say the padded answer. What I am saying is that He cares and loves for us more than we could ever imagine. His heart breaks when ours do. He doesn't want to see us in pain, and He will be there in the midst of our struggles, even if it doesn't seem like it. As I have learned, put your trust and hope in God. His love can carry you through.

Some Refining...

A characteristic of mine has recently come to the forefront of my attention. In general interaction with people, be they strangers or those I know, I have noticed this attribute coming out more than I would like. You see, I have begun to notice just how selfish I really am. It's been rather disturbing to see how much my selfishness influences my interactions with people and even my decision making. This realization has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I know, every person has some form of selfishness in them. It's a part of the Fall. Yet, I don't like how much of an influence this nature seems to possess in my life. As I head in to town and interact with people, it has amazed me how many times I have become irritated by people who aren't acting in a way that I would like. When situations don't go exactly like I have planned, I find myself getting bent out of shape. I keep unconsciously and consciously placing myself at the center of the universe, thinking that everyone should know what I am thinking and want and thus bend to my will.

I keep forgetting that each person I meet, each person I come across has their own life, their own plans, their own hopes, their own stories... There is so much that is happening in their lives, so much that I cannot even imagine which is just below the surface. Their interactions with me barely scratches the surface with what is going on underneath. And when I think about how I have acted, denouncing their stories as irrelevant to my own passing whims...

I don't want to be like this, thinking only about satisfying my desires and wants. Lord, open my eyes to those around me. Teach me how to contain and discipline myself. Teach me want it truly means to humbly submit my will to Yours. Teach me what it means to truly love like You do. Teach me how to see beyond myself. May my eyes be turned outward.

And for you, if you're reading this, I want to apologize. I don't know if you've simply stumbled on this or if you are a friend of mine, but I want to apologize to you. I want to apologize for allowing my selfishness, my self-serving attitude, to influence how I have acted. It has caused me to wrap up inside of my own wants and desires and miss what is truly important. It has caused me to miss and celebrate what God is doing in those around me. It has stifled the pouring forth of joy from my heart and has replaced it with bitterness. So, no matter what our relationship may be, be it a passing moment or an every day occurrence, I apologize. Now it is time to move on, purging this from myself through through the assistance of God alone. His love shall teach me and carry me forward.

Peace, my friends.

The Father's Love

I'll be honest, these past few months have not been pleasant on me. It would seem like I have been squeezed like a ketchup bottle, and what's poured forth from my insides has not been pleasant. There's been a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, a lot of cynicism, a lot of loneliness. This past wee while has been marked by a very quick drop in my self-esteem and own feelings of worth. As I have taken assessment of myself, I keep seeing every single one of my faults... seeing myself as nothing more than a failure not worth anyone's time, energy or thought. It hasn't helped that these times of thought have been fed by my time alone. That seems to be the standard cycle of things. Due to circumstances in others' lives, I found myself alone for a good portion of my free time. In this free time, these wounds would only fester and grow. This in turn caused me to withdraw even more into my pain, making me more undesirable to be around. It's been a vicious cycle, being added to with my graduation and coming home. It has been a lonely occurrence coming home. I spend the majority of my time picking strawberries and free time is usually spent simply hanging around the house. When I encounter friends from the past, I feel like I am encountering a ghost. I remember the relationship which used to exist, but which no longer stands. Both of us have grown and entered different life circumstances... and I don't know where I stand. And again, this just adds to my downward spiral. It feels like one more burden, one more twinge of pain added to my burden and I simply withdraw back into my shell.

And I can see how this attitude has affected my relationship with God. My view of myself has affected how I feel God views me. I'm simply the little peon that He uses when He wants to. I have felt at times that He doesn't care for me, that He doesn't have any sort of plan in store for me, simply because I'm not worth His time. I search for some sort of guidance and path for where to go now that I've graduated and I hear nothing. I try to search and find something to follow, but then these things each have the door closed on them. It seems that no matter where I turn, what I do, what I plan, God is there blocking my path. I haven't felt His love, His joy or His peace in quite some time. Pain, disregard and rejection instead have been the most common feelings as of late.

Last night, though, I was reading in my current book of interest, The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen, and something seemed to stick. The things Nouwen had to say in regard to the parable of the prodigal son struck a cord on my heart. In this chapter, he describes the father from the parable. "His seeing is an eternal seeing, a seeing that reaches out to all of humanity. It is a seeing that understands the lostness of women and men of all times and places, that knows with immense compassion the suffering of those who have chosen to leave home, that cried oceans of tears as they got caught in anguish and agony. The heart of the father burns with an immense desire to bring his children home... How much would he have liked to pull them back with his fatherly authority and hold them close to himself so that they would not get hurt. But His love is too great to do any of that. It cannot force, constrain, push, or pull. It offers the freedom to reject that love or to love in return. It is precisely the immensity of the divine love that is the source of the divine suffering. God, creator of heaven and earth, has chosen to be, first and foremost, a Father."

He continues with this. "The Father wants to say, more with his touch than with his voice, good things of his children. He has no desire to punish them. They have already been punished excessively by their own inner or outer waywardness. The Father wants simply to let them know that the love they have searched for in such distorted ways has been, is, and always will be there for them."

These words cut deep in me. They have reminded me of the Father's love. He is not seeking to cast down nor destroy me. He doesn't view me as the unwanted failure, the backup person chosen only when all other options have been exhausted. No... His love for me is strong and pure. And for every pain I have felt, for every tear which I have shed, He has been right there with me... suffering the hurt with me, facing uncertainty by my side, shedding the tears with me... all while wrapping me up in His divine embrace. He did not wished for this pain to occur. They were not a part of His plan. Even though I see myself as worthless, His heart has still broken offer what I have felt. And it is not because I am some great significant person that He has ached for me. It is simply because He is my Father and I His child. Huh. It's been a while since I've viewed God as my loving Father. Lately, it has been more as my Lord, the person ruling over me and chastising me for not being something great. But the truth is He is Father, and He loves me.

I'm not sure where you might be right now nor what you might be going through. But let Nouwen's words echo in your heart too. God's heart aches when He sees His children going through pain and evil. He did not desire nor will this hurt to happen. Yet, His love can do nothing but allow it. But don't do as I have done. Don't forget His love and pull into the pain. Instead, fall into His embrace. Fall into the Father's love. The pain won't go away. That doesn't seem to be how it works. He will, though, surround you with His love and support you through these uncertain times. His love brings peace and joy. I lost sight of that for a wee bit. Don't you lose sight, though. Don't forget His love. The Father hasn't forgotten about you.

Thought of the Day

I had a bit of a random conversation with someone today whilst I was out picking strawberries. He stopped and came out for a wee bit to chat and in the course of the conversation he ended up asking me what my plans were now that I've graduated. And I told him what I hope to see happen, such as getting something right now, such as an RD position or teaching English, so that I can pay off some debt and also be involved in some area that includes my passions. I then told him that my long term goal is to get school debt paid off so that I can look at going back to Europe, maybe around the UK, France, Spain, Italy, somewhere around western Europe, and working there. His comment after that kinda shook my outlook on these things. His reply was that it seemed like I was looking at getting away from here.

I'm not sure why, but that comment has stuck with me all day today. I suppose it is true. All of my options that I have been looking at involve leaving the area and leaving what I have grown up with. And in a way, I feel that I am okay with this. As I look at things right now, I have come to realize that it is time to move on. I have changed over the years and no longer fit the old roles that I once filled. While I love the people here and enjoy the things going on here, I find that it no longer is what drives me. As I look to my makeup and what really tugs at my heart, it involves heading out and working with people internationally, getting involved in teaching, discipleship and building relationships. These things are where my passions lie.

So, I suppose my friend was correct. I am looking at getting away from here. But I realized today that it's not because I hate it here (although at times there has been.... discontent and grief as I have seen that life here moved on and left me feeling in a limbo, unsure of where I fit or even what benefit I give, but that is a whole other topic...). There is no hate. There is a realization, though, that I need something to drive me in life, and it needs to come from tapping into those things which put that gleam in my eye. Now the question is finding that place where my passions are drawn out. That seems to be lacking as of late... I keep seeking some clarity from God in the midst of this fog which is my future but I'm still not seeing much. I hate to say it, since I keep hearing it and I get no comfort from it, but the only thing I have left to do is keep trusting in God. He's led me through uncertainty in the past, even when things seemed down and out. I need to keep believing that He's going to get me through this rough time of uncertainty too. He can do it. I just need to keep waiting on Him.

That was a random tangent, so I apologize. But that's what I get for reflecting on my friend's comment. My mind likes to take random paths. Anywho, I thought that was an interesting thought from today and I wanted to share.

Peace, dear friends.

Changes... Choices....

I have now officially graduated. Huh, that's an odd thought. It's kind of weird to think of it having come and gone. This is especially true with the fact that I wasn't looking forward to graduation at all. I wouldn't say I wasn't looking forward to graduating, for I was. It was time to move on. I think the part I wasn't looking forward to was what graduation meant. It kind of held for me the culmination of a bunch of changes which have been happening; changes I wasn't exactly looking for nor wanting at all. Before I had these grand ideas of what life would hold after I graduated. I would have some sort of plan in life and preparing to embark on some grand adventure. Yet, as this past semester started to play out, I began to realize that this wasn't the case.

With the ending of my time here at school, I will also see a great change come upon many of my relationships which have grown here. I will no longer see these friends of mine on a daily basis. They will no longer be easily contacted. Many will simply stop communicating and seemingly cease to care about what occurs in my life. And that is a hard thought to swallow. After all of the time, energy and memories put into the relationships, it is hard for me to simply let them go. It feels like these changes are ripping them away. Along with this, I also began to realize that graduation would mean moving back home. Don't get me wrong. Home is a good thing. But in my eyes it consists of an old life, one which I no longer feel like I fit in. With no set plans on the horizon, I feel like I am heading back to an old life and will thus be crammed back into a role which I no longer hold. I have grown and matured since I was last home, and the people at home have moved on in their lives. I feel like I no longer have a place, yet I will be expected to be the same old Ben.

While this past semester and graduating are good things, they have also become hard changes to face. This past wee while has felt like one hard change after another, dishing out some thing which I did not choose nor want. No matter what I said or did, these changes have come. I saddened by how things have turned out, and I wish it were different, but I've also had a bit of a revelation for myself as of late. This idea keeps popping up in different places, such as conversations I've had with people. And I think it aptly applies to this current stage of life.

I cannot, it would seem, chose the changes which come about. That seems to be the case when dealing with other people. Each person makes their own choice, be it good or bad. I cannot make it different. I may not want it. I may not like it. But I can choose to accept it. The choice I can make is how I will deal with these changes. As life continues to move on, I can either become caught up in the loss of the familiar or I can strike out and search for the adventure I was hoping for. I can either allow the hurt of loss overwhelm me or I can learn to accept it, not embrace nor hide it. But I can accept the pain and loss and continue along my path. People may choose to separate and drop their communication with me, but I shall leave that up to them. As for my part, I will always be there. I cannot hope to stay the same, so I must chose to press on. And I don't know the future. I too easily allow the idea of not being in the same place to affect my outlook on relationships. (It might be because of past experiences... out of sight out of mind, you know) But if a person truly values the relationship, then it will last, no matter the space between. And that is an encouraging thought, especially as I prepare to pack up and leave my house and friends. I can hope that the relationships I've made over these past years won't fade... that they will actually prove to have been meaningful to more than myself...

As I face the future with uncertainty, I have come to realize something. I cannot always choose the circumstances I find myself in. But I can choose how I will face them. Too long have I allowed the idea of loss and pain to rule my feelings. I don't know what the future holds. And I'm coming to realize, once again, that is okay. God is in control. He is leading me onward, one step at a time. I must learn to trust His guidance. Most of the time I don't like it, but I will continue to trust. He has worked in amazing ways before, bring about things which I never thought would happen and growing hope where I thought there was none. So, with these things kept in mind, I will continue to push onward.

The changes have come. I have chosen. Now it's time for that adventure...

Prayer of the Heart

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

-Philippians 4:4-9

Lord, I find this a challenge at times. I find it hard to display the joy and peace when things seem so chaotic and uncertain. I find it hard not to be anxious when I look ahead in life and the only light I see at the end of the tunnel is the light from the freight train called life chugging ahead at full speed toward me. I submit myself to You in prayer and if feels like no answer is coming. I ask for peace and I ask for assurance, but still You seem to remain silent. I want to crawl up in to arms, Father, and find myself at home, but I can't seem to even find Your arms.

Even though my heart has grown weak from the repeated disappointments, let downs, sorrow and pain, it hasn't quite given up. Admittedly, it certainly wants to, on a regular basis. Yet, I know that You are still present and working... or at least, my hope tells me that You are. Acceptance of this current state of affairs does not come easy. In fact, I am normally quite unsatisfied with the turns life has decided to take. But I trust that You do have... something in mind, something that You can use these circumstances for.

So, here's my heart, Father; broken, bleeding, and desolate as it is. I believe that You will move through these current circumstances and that You will somehow bring good. While I cannot see it at all, I know that You are moving and working. So, here am I. Take me as I am. And don't leave me the same.