Heart of Love

So, as of right now, things have been a bit rough for me. As has been typical of this semester, life continues to follow along its normal path of being... unpleasant. Things continue to change, whether I'd like them to or not. It feels like this whole semester has been a consistent watching of my dreams and hopes slipping away. Everything I have hoped for or looked for to seems to be running away. And I'm left asking "Why?" Why does it seem like everything I hope for doesn't seem to be possible? Why can't I have what I wish for? Why does it seem like a continual stripping by God? I have felt at times that He doesn't want me to have what I hope for. I'm not worth of such things. He simply delights in keeping things at arm's length, letting me just reach and then pulling it out of reach once again. And I'll admit this has caused a great deal of frustration and questioning directed towards Him. Why does He continue to taunt me? Why does He not allow such things to be in my life? Why does He seem to drag me along this path He's set before me, never giving light to what lies ahead? Even now I feel like I'm stumbling in the dark, grasping for something to latch on to, some point in which to direct myself. Yet there's nothing. I don't know what He has in store for me. I don't even comprehend why He continues to hound me, drawing me forward and bringing all of these things into my life. What is the point of all of this? What is the reason for all of this pain? This confusion? This frustration? This disappointment? These... unknowns? I'm having a hard time seeing the love right now.

And yet, I have been reminded of who He is. When I allow my frustrations to die down and my emotions to be calmed, I once more remember the words He once spoke to me. He does love me and He does want me to have joy and peace. I am His son, and He is my loving Father. It's not that He's trying torment me, denying all that I desire and hope for. That is not the purpose in all of this. In fact, that is not why these situations have played out as they have. This is simply how things are. I can question all I want, seeking for answers which I may never have. But I am realizing that is not what is most productive. I have a hard time saying this, especially because I do not want to lose what I once had. But that is what change is... letting go of once was and moving forward to what lies ahead. Do I approve? Do I enjoy this? No. But do I accept it? ....... Yes. I know that He has been faithful before, bringing about good, even in the midst of pain. And I must believe that He is continuing to do so even now. I don't understand or comprehend. I cannot see what lies ahead. Right now, it all is blanketed by darkness. Yet God moves in the darkness, leading me on one step at a time. I'm reminded of Hebrews 11, where the author speaks of those pillars of faith. They did not see what laid ahead. In fact, many of them faced discouragement on constant basis. Yet, they did not falter in their faith towards the Father. They knew that He had given them His promise, and they knew that He was faithful in fulfilling His promises. And so they held on to the promise, placing their faith in His guidance. Even though they did not see the end, receive what they wished for or even knew what their next step was, they pressed on in light of their faith.

In these same ways, I must hold to those truths which I know. I know from past experience that God has been faithful to me, providing me what I needed when I needed it and even allowing me to experience joy and happiness. He has provided for me when I have needed it, even thought it hasn't always been in the way I expected. He has been my constant companion, present even when I feel utterly alone and abandoned. He has brought me through trials and difficulties. He has helped me to shoulder and conquer those burdens which have been placed on me. Even in my weakness He has chosen to partner with me. I have seen His glory shine out of the darkness. I have seen His hope continue even in the midst of adversity. I have been blessed to have friends come into my life when I have needed them, people who have truly loved and cared for me, standing by me even in my darkest hours. They have supported and encouraged me, pulling me forward when I have felt like collapsing under the weight my hopelessness and loneliness. I have never truly been alone, for I have always had someone there who allows me to open my heart to them. I have experienced love. And, above all, I have a Father who truly and deeply loves me, more than all others. He has made me, stitched me together and filled me with His Spirit, creating the unique person who is Ben. He has loved me for what I am, flawed and broken that I am. He continues to guide and lead me, helping me through these times when I have been broken and feel like giving up. He is faithful. And He loves me. I must never forget this.

There is always love.

Ramblings of a Ben

As I sit here, trying to think about what to write out, I keep drawing a blank. I want to share my heart, to pour out what is going on in its inner recesses. Yet, I don't know how to draw forth from it. There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around right now, I many times feel like I'm simply drowning. What I find, though, is that in these times of not knowing what to say, it is best to simply start writing and let the words take me wherever they may. So, I shall do just that.

This season of life right now seems to be one of reoccurring pain, hurt and uncertainty. Much of this comes from the fact that I, last semester, started to do some planning. I began to shape in my mind what this coming final semester at university would look like. I had this ideal image of how everything would play out. That, I realize, was a foolish thing to do. It would seem that whenever I start to figure out how something will play out, life simply takes a completely different turn. Decisions are made, actions taken and feelings experienced which alter the course life is on. Upon arriving back at school, I quickly discovered that this was the case. As the semester has played out, I have been continually reminded with how foolish it was for me to get my hopes up. Life here has been much much different than expected, and I have had difficulty adapting. What has been filling my heart as of late has simply been the pains of loss, of regret, of doubts, of failures...

And now, with around 5 weeks left in the semester, I find myself in no better a situation. I have as of yet no future plans for life. I certainly have hopes, and I am pursuing these ideas. But nothing has been laid for certain. And I am simply looking at life right now, and it does seem rather bleak. What awaits me after graduation? What grand thing will I be doing with my life? Will I actually make any difference in someone's life? Right now, I see no difference that I can make. Many times I simply feel that I could back away from people and it would make no difference. To say the least, feelings of worth are as of right now somewhat low. I suppose that simply comes from having ones ideas dashed upon the rocks of reality and then finding yourself struggling to once again looking for something to shoot for.

Life has been thrown into chaos for me. I don't know where I am going, simply being tossed about by the waves of the sea. But, in the midst of this, I keep trying to take a hold of the one solid thing in my life. Constantly I am told that God is for me, that He is my rock and my strength. I know this. It is so hard, though, to put it into practice. When things look bleak and there's nothing to shoot for, God's light can be hard to spot. But it is there. I keep catching glimpses of it. So, I simply cry out to Him. I cry for Him to be my strength when I have none. I cry for Him to be my joy when I have none. I cry for Him to continue drawing me forward and into what the future holds when I would rather curl up and admit defeat. I cry out to Him in my desperation. And then... I wait. I wait upon Him. I echo David's psalm when he said "Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me; O Lord, be my helper." There is still joy. There is still hope. There is still love. It has simply been... tougher to draw out right now. Just as the seasons pass, so too will this pass. He is faithful, and He remains faithful even when I am not.

The Goodness of Friday

Today is, as many might already know, Good Friday. I find this title somewhat ironic. It's called good, but in reality there wasn't much goodness taking place on the day this holiday represents. Humanity's sin took a shot at the blameless Lord... and what a shot it took. Beaten, mocked, abandoned by His closest friends, struck down and even being forsaken by the Father. What a completely desolate state He had to have found Himself in during this day. Sorrow and blood flowing mingled down like a river...

And to top this all off, my own fists are counted in the blows being dished out. True, I wasn't there and I didn't physically throw a single blow. Yet, my sin was present and accounted for on that tree. Jesus took the full weight of my sin upon Himself, taking it all the way to the cross. And to top this all off, I still continue to sin. I am slapping Christ full across the face with my actions. With this in mind, what goodness is there in Friday? Why would we want to remember such a low point in human history, the day we crucified our Lord and Saviour?

The answer comes in what today stands for, and for the accompanying Sunday. By taking the cross, Jesus has paid the ultimate price for me. He paid the debt which I could never even come close to paying off. My actions and shortcomings had separated me from God. Yet, the shedding off His blood has completely wiped my slate clean. God incarnate, the only begotten Son, took my punishment. Now I can approach God and enter into His presence fully. I can have a true relationship with the Father because Christ took my punishment. And not only did He take the punishment, but the grave couldn't hold Him! How amazing is that! Death itself has been conquered! It no longer has a hold over me. If that is not good, then I don't know what is. Shoot, I don't know if good does it enough justice...

These past few months have been, to put it simply, rough for me. I have had to do a lot of soul searching. I've been dragged into doing a lot of looking within myself, and I haven't exactly been thrilled by what I've found. I have encountered full on the darkness within my own soul. At times, I have felt like there hasn't been much of a light within me. I saw myself as worthless and pathetic. Yet, when all else seemed to fall away, there was still a light simmering in the darkness. At times it was nothing more than a slight glimmer at the corner of my eye. No matter how much it tried, though, the darkness could not extinguish the light. This light has been the hope, love and acceptance found in Christ. I have this hope because of what happened on this day.

His sacrifice has given me new life. He has rescued me from myself... and I praise Him with all my heart for this. He is my risen Lord and Saviour. With this in mind, how can I call this Friday anything but "good"? It truly is a Friday of Goodness.

Taking Out the Rubbish

Well, this week has been one of... ahh.... intense emotion. But, that seems to be the norm for me right now. Life goes up and down, bringing joys and sorrows. If you've have even scanned the past few posts, then you know this. Looking ahead and at my present situation, it simply seems like I'm cruising, unsure of where to go next and what I am doing that could be counted worthwhile. But this is not what I am wanting to share at this time. Instead, I want to share a reminder that I received this week.

This reminder concerns how big God and how mighty God truly is. This week brought with it a lot of self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness and many, many questions concerning myself. It was, to put it simply, quite dark. Yet, in the midst of that darkness, God was there. And He was working in and through all of that. I know that these thoughts were not of God. Yet, He was able to work through them. And how He worked was truly beautiful. I don't know about you, but my first reaction when I see a problem is to try and fix it. As people share something with me, I'm only half listening at times. While they talk, I am forming a responses and searching for a way to insert my opinion on the matter. The idea is that if my thoughts can simply be shared, then the problem can be fixed. True, outside insight into a situation can be beneficial, but sometimes it is not what is needed.

This week God took a different approach. He simply let me rage. He let the thoughts roll, the questions come, the doubts swirl and the tears of flow. He allowed all that was inside of me to come forth into the open. I threw it all at Him. And through it all, He remained unshaken. He easily withstood the onslaught of my emotions. By simply standing, listening and taking it all on Him, He was able to draw out the bile which had been festering. After I had exhausted myself, He asked "Are you done?" From there, He took the next step. And the best way to put this next step would simply be to describe it as an embrace. True, that is a weak way to describe it. But that's the best way I can put it into words. He didn't really correct any of my thoughts. he didn't answer my questions. Instead He gave me His comforting Spirit and His peace. Yes, things aren't pleasant right now. Yes, I don't know what's going on. Yes, it can be hard to see the joy and hope of life at times. But no matter what comes, it is still there. He is still in control and He does not leave. Unlike people, He does not change.

Looking at what I've written, I have to be honest about this. I wasn't sure where I was going with all of this. Reading back through what was written, I want to share what I have learned with you. Remember that God is in control. He is sovereign. And He is so much bigger than anything you could possibly face. Even in the bleakest darkness, He is still present and working. Don't be afraid to doubt or question. Throw your worst at Him. He can take it. I, for one, am glad I follow a God who can take my crap.

God of Sorrows, God of Joy

Sometimes, I find myself having days such as today. The gloom settles in and I find myself desperate for some sign of significance in my life. What worth do I really contribute? What is my significance? It seems to me like all I have to offer is trivial. Life only brings weariness and gloom. It is hard to press on. Life in general seems to continue plodding along. And i find sorrow after sorrow coming my way. Constant change, losing of relationships, doubts of myself and my abilities, doubts of my significance. To some it up, life becomes synonymous grief.

Yet, I am finding that it is this grief which enriches life. In the midst of this depression, in the midst of this abandonment, in the midst of this night of doubt in myself and my significance in life, there is a richness which is expressed. It is hard, oh so hard, to see while in the midst of this time. But, as I step back and survey what is going on, I can see where God is working. These times must come. They are simply a part of life. No, there are not directly from God. But He does allow them. He allows these times to enter into my life so as to refine me. These times are the major times of growth. They are the times when I am completely broken down to my very foundation. My life and my perception of what is going on around me completely changes. Only by allowing me to have my very core broken down can God then come back in and rebuild.

This has become my hope. Right now, I only see the grief, sorrow, desperation, abandonment and loneliness. I question what has happened. I ask why this is happening to me. What brought about these crappy events? And I also find myself asking why He refuses to give up on me. Why, when I see nothing worthwhile in myself, is He still persistent in pursuing me? There's nothing good that I have to offer as far as I am concerned. I self-absorbed, concerned with my own feelings, desires and comfort. I see no reasonable way that I can positively affect those that encounter me. I only see the bad taste which I must leave in their mouth. But still He seems convinced that there is some good in me that I have to offer.

He keeps after me. He continues to find these little ways to stretch and grow me. He still reveals to me that He is present. He's never given up and He continues to teach me. I can't understand why. I have no clue why, when all seems hopeless, He still steps in and reminds me that there is hope. I've simply become too distracted to see it. And I suppose that is the lesson I am gaining from this time in my life. There is always hope. That cannot fully die. The hope will always live on. His sovereignty has never diminished. He is just as in control of things as when I first started on my journey with Him. He can take all of my anger, frustration, sorrow, grief and crying out in pain. He is big enough to handle it. I need reminded, just as Job needed, that He is much bigger than I sometimes think Him to be. And He is on my side. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I feel like and am going through, He is still in control, He is still fighting for me and He will continue to lead me along this path I call life. As these times pass, joy will come again. These times of sorrow simply work to make those times of joy oh so much sweeter. Without these two contrasts, life would be bland. Sure, it's not fun at the time. Shoot, it's not even fun when the time has passed. But it is what makes life so full. God is the God of both sorrow and joy. He has created both seasons, and He is within both seasons. He just has to be sought. But He is there.

Winter's Chill

Our lives have been compared many times with the seasons of the year. We will at times experience growth, renewal and fresh starts, much akin to spring. Other times, we are nicely cruising. Everything is going well and life seems joyous, much like those times of summer warmth and sun. And then there are those times of winter. The times of cold and standstill. Life outside has come to a halt, entering into an almost state of death. Things come to an end and life almost seems bleak with the color and joy seeming to be drained from the world around us.

Right now I feel like I have entered into a major time of winter in my life. Since about... mid-November I'd say... I have been getting hit by one thing after another. Granted, some are bigger issues than others. Yet, each one has simply worked to build up the stack already sitting on my heart. I've had major stretching occur in my own life, working to challenge and bring to light many of my habits and attributes which aren't honorable. I've had hopes and dreams which I was looking forward to come crashing down around me. I've found myself unsure of what the future holds. This is especially nerve-wracking when I look and see graduation looming so near. I've come to experience a sense of being homeless over these past few months. Having jumped locations frequently, I haven't had time to put down any significant roots. The moment I start to get settled in I'm picked up and replanting elsewhere. This has simply led to the feeling of not being home anywhere. Nothing seems familiar any more. Even being back at uni has been bittersweet. I was so looking forward to getting back here and settling back in with college life. Yet, things have changed. Or, better put, I have changed. I realize that I am no longer a college student. I enjoy the classes, but my mindset has shifted. I find myself unsure of where I fit in any more. Among all of these things, I find myself encountering regularly low-confidence, doubts, fear, worry, anxiety, loneliness, worthlessness, abandonment and a lack of direction, among other things. I feel like I've hit a snowdrift and have gotten stuck there in the ditch. I'm stuck, and I see no way out.

When one looks at the winter time, it can look bleak. Yet there is also an incredible amount of beauty which can be seen during this season. There are so many things which whisper of the Creator's touch when one takes the time to listen. The gentle falling of the snow among the forest's trees. The reflection of the sun through the icicles hanging from the roof. And there is even grown a deeper appreciation for the coming of spring. Without the contrast of the one, the other could not be fully realized for what it brings.

This time of winter in my own life works in this same way. Although things seem bleak and hopeless, with dreams and ideas seemingly crashing around me, I find that God is still whispering through the midst of all of this. He has not abandoned me. He is still very real and present. These are times of growth. It seems so cliche to simply say that, but I find that it is very true. God brings us to and through these times, not to leave us desperate and in pain but to teach us, stretch us and draw us closer to Himself. During the good times, it becomes easy to simply rely on my own strength to make do. Why not? Everything is going great so I might as well just keep doing what I'm doing. But that's not how it should be. I'm called to depend on Him fully and completely. But as long as I think I'm doing great, why would I change? These times work to call me back to dependence on Him. In my weakness, He is made strong. This time of life is a time of death for those things in me which need to pass away.

Only then will my heart be ready for the new growth which will come in the thawing of spring. Then, the loneliness, the worthlessness, the loss of hope and dreams, the essence of being homeless will pass away. Instead, I will know community, true worth, a resurgence of of a mind to dream and hope for the future and the the finding of a place I can call home. This time has yet to come though. I'm still in the midst of winter. I'm still bundled up against the chill of life. But I have His warm embrace to fight the chill. He is the one which I need to depend on now.

Spirit of Poverty

So, in my own personal reading, I decided to take up a specific focus. I wanted to work through Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, specifically concentrating on the Beatitudes. I want to take time to reflect on each one in turn, digging in deeper and using different commentaries to get some further info on what is being taught here.

The first one, for those wondering, is "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

One of the first things I have come to learn about the Beatitudes is that these are not attitudes or actions which a person may perform like a checklist; once the action or state has been reached, then it can be ticked off. What Jesus was teaching is that these are things which should naturally come out of our walk with Him. We should already be living in a spirit of poverty. Following Him means we become poor in spirit.

What exactly is meant by poor in spirit, though? As I read, I have come to learn that the poverty spoken of here is not someone who is tightly pressed for finances, nor is it someone who has chosen to give up a few things for the sake of another. No, the poverty spoken of by Jesus is an absolute poverty. The person has had no choice in the matter. They have found themselves fully and completely left in absolute poverty. They are fully dependent on others for their very survival. And we as Christians have been called to such a spiritual life of this poverty. We are to be utterly wrecked, realizing that on our own we can do and achieve nothing for we have nothing. We are desolate. We are humbled. And we are dependent on God. He is the source of our very livelihood. When we are poor in spirit, we come to realize that we have to fully and completely depend on God in all aspects of our spiritual life. He is the one guiding and leading it. We bring nothing to the table. Instead, it is all Him.

Man, reading this, I once again realize just how clingy I am. I keep wanting to hold on to my rubbish spirituality. I keep thinking I have something worthwhile to bring to the table. Yet, I don't. I have nothing. I need to let go of the filth I still hold on to. I need to reach out to Him, the Great Provider. He is the ultimate source. I seem to forget this so easily. I get so caught up in my little world of worries and desires. This false wealth needs to be let go of. Even more so I need to get rid of this false poverty. I keep thinking I am poor, having handed it all over to God. Yet, I still have that little bit of fool's gold which I'm holding on to, just in case. That's not true poverty. True poverty is having nothing and being fully and utterly dependent on Him.

Now, I said these are not little lists which I can follow to be a better boy. They are lifestyles which flow out of relationship with my Savior. Draw me closer to You, Lord. Help me to learn to be completely reliant and dependent on You.

Make this my prayer.