Well, this week has been one of... ahh.... intense emotion. But, that seems to be the norm for me right now. Life goes up and down, bringing joys and sorrows. If you've have even scanned the past few posts, then you know this. Looking ahead and at my present situation, it simply seems like I'm cruising, unsure of where to go next and what I am doing that could be counted worthwhile. But this is not what I am wanting to share at this time. Instead, I want to share a reminder that I received this week.
This reminder concerns how big God and how mighty God truly is. This week brought with it a lot of self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness and many, many questions concerning myself. It was, to put it simply, quite dark. Yet, in the midst of that darkness, God was there. And He was working in and through all of that. I know that these thoughts were not of God. Yet, He was able to work through them. And how He worked was truly beautiful. I don't know about you, but my first reaction when I see a problem is to try and fix it. As people share something with me, I'm only half listening at times. While they talk, I am forming a responses and searching for a way to insert my opinion on the matter. The idea is that if my thoughts can simply be shared, then the problem can be fixed. True, outside insight into a situation can be beneficial, but sometimes it is not what is needed.
This week God took a different approach. He simply let me rage. He let the thoughts roll, the questions come, the doubts swirl and the tears of flow. He allowed all that was inside of me to come forth into the open. I threw it all at Him. And through it all, He remained unshaken. He easily withstood the onslaught of my emotions. By simply standing, listening and taking it all on Him, He was able to draw out the bile which had been festering. After I had exhausted myself, He asked "Are you done?" From there, He took the next step. And the best way to put this next step would simply be to describe it as an embrace. True, that is a weak way to describe it. But that's the best way I can put it into words. He didn't really correct any of my thoughts. he didn't answer my questions. Instead He gave me His comforting Spirit and His peace. Yes, things aren't pleasant right now. Yes, I don't know what's going on. Yes, it can be hard to see the joy and hope of life at times. But no matter what comes, it is still there. He is still in control and He does not leave. Unlike people, He does not change.
Looking at what I've written, I have to be honest about this. I wasn't sure where I was going with all of this. Reading back through what was written, I want to share what I have learned with you. Remember that God is in control. He is sovereign. And He is so much bigger than anything you could possibly face. Even in the bleakest darkness, He is still present and working. Don't be afraid to doubt or question. Throw your worst at Him. He can take it. I, for one, am glad I follow a God who can take my crap.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
God of Sorrows, God of Joy
Sometimes, I find myself having days such as today. The gloom settles in and I find myself desperate for some sign of significance in my life. What worth do I really contribute? What is my significance? It seems to me like all I have to offer is trivial. Life only brings weariness and gloom. It is hard to press on. Life in general seems to continue plodding along. And i find sorrow after sorrow coming my way. Constant change, losing of relationships, doubts of myself and my abilities, doubts of my significance. To some it up, life becomes synonymous grief.
Yet, I am finding that it is this grief which enriches life. In the midst of this depression, in the midst of this abandonment, in the midst of this night of doubt in myself and my significance in life, there is a richness which is expressed. It is hard, oh so hard, to see while in the midst of this time. But, as I step back and survey what is going on, I can see where God is working. These times must come. They are simply a part of life. No, there are not directly from God. But He does allow them. He allows these times to enter into my life so as to refine me. These times are the major times of growth. They are the times when I am completely broken down to my very foundation. My life and my perception of what is going on around me completely changes. Only by allowing me to have my very core broken down can God then come back in and rebuild.
This has become my hope. Right now, I only see the grief, sorrow, desperation, abandonment and loneliness. I question what has happened. I ask why this is happening to me. What brought about these crappy events? And I also find myself asking why He refuses to give up on me. Why, when I see nothing worthwhile in myself, is He still persistent in pursuing me? There's nothing good that I have to offer as far as I am concerned. I self-absorbed, concerned with my own feelings, desires and comfort. I see no reasonable way that I can positively affect those that encounter me. I only see the bad taste which I must leave in their mouth. But still He seems convinced that there is some good in me that I have to offer.
He keeps after me. He continues to find these little ways to stretch and grow me. He still reveals to me that He is present. He's never given up and He continues to teach me. I can't understand why. I have no clue why, when all seems hopeless, He still steps in and reminds me that there is hope. I've simply become too distracted to see it. And I suppose that is the lesson I am gaining from this time in my life. There is always hope. That cannot fully die. The hope will always live on. His sovereignty has never diminished. He is just as in control of things as when I first started on my journey with Him. He can take all of my anger, frustration, sorrow, grief and crying out in pain. He is big enough to handle it. I need reminded, just as Job needed, that He is much bigger than I sometimes think Him to be. And He is on my side. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I feel like and am going through, He is still in control, He is still fighting for me and He will continue to lead me along this path I call life. As these times pass, joy will come again. These times of sorrow simply work to make those times of joy oh so much sweeter. Without these two contrasts, life would be bland. Sure, it's not fun at the time. Shoot, it's not even fun when the time has passed. But it is what makes life so full. God is the God of both sorrow and joy. He has created both seasons, and He is within both seasons. He just has to be sought. But He is there.
Yet, I am finding that it is this grief which enriches life. In the midst of this depression, in the midst of this abandonment, in the midst of this night of doubt in myself and my significance in life, there is a richness which is expressed. It is hard, oh so hard, to see while in the midst of this time. But, as I step back and survey what is going on, I can see where God is working. These times must come. They are simply a part of life. No, there are not directly from God. But He does allow them. He allows these times to enter into my life so as to refine me. These times are the major times of growth. They are the times when I am completely broken down to my very foundation. My life and my perception of what is going on around me completely changes. Only by allowing me to have my very core broken down can God then come back in and rebuild.
This has become my hope. Right now, I only see the grief, sorrow, desperation, abandonment and loneliness. I question what has happened. I ask why this is happening to me. What brought about these crappy events? And I also find myself asking why He refuses to give up on me. Why, when I see nothing worthwhile in myself, is He still persistent in pursuing me? There's nothing good that I have to offer as far as I am concerned. I self-absorbed, concerned with my own feelings, desires and comfort. I see no reasonable way that I can positively affect those that encounter me. I only see the bad taste which I must leave in their mouth. But still He seems convinced that there is some good in me that I have to offer.
He keeps after me. He continues to find these little ways to stretch and grow me. He still reveals to me that He is present. He's never given up and He continues to teach me. I can't understand why. I have no clue why, when all seems hopeless, He still steps in and reminds me that there is hope. I've simply become too distracted to see it. And I suppose that is the lesson I am gaining from this time in my life. There is always hope. That cannot fully die. The hope will always live on. His sovereignty has never diminished. He is just as in control of things as when I first started on my journey with Him. He can take all of my anger, frustration, sorrow, grief and crying out in pain. He is big enough to handle it. I need reminded, just as Job needed, that He is much bigger than I sometimes think Him to be. And He is on my side. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I feel like and am going through, He is still in control, He is still fighting for me and He will continue to lead me along this path I call life. As these times pass, joy will come again. These times of sorrow simply work to make those times of joy oh so much sweeter. Without these two contrasts, life would be bland. Sure, it's not fun at the time. Shoot, it's not even fun when the time has passed. But it is what makes life so full. God is the God of both sorrow and joy. He has created both seasons, and He is within both seasons. He just has to be sought. But He is there.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Winter's Chill
Our lives have been compared many times with the seasons of the year. We will at times experience growth, renewal and fresh starts, much akin to spring. Other times, we are nicely cruising. Everything is going well and life seems joyous, much like those times of summer warmth and sun. And then there are those times of winter. The times of cold and standstill. Life outside has come to a halt, entering into an almost state of death. Things come to an end and life almost seems bleak with the color and joy seeming to be drained from the world around us.
Right now I feel like I have entered into a major time of winter in my life. Since about... mid-November I'd say... I have been getting hit by one thing after another. Granted, some are bigger issues than others. Yet, each one has simply worked to build up the stack already sitting on my heart. I've had major stretching occur in my own life, working to challenge and bring to light many of my habits and attributes which aren't honorable. I've had hopes and dreams which I was looking forward to come crashing down around me. I've found myself unsure of what the future holds. This is especially nerve-wracking when I look and see graduation looming so near. I've come to experience a sense of being homeless over these past few months. Having jumped locations frequently, I haven't had time to put down any significant roots. The moment I start to get settled in I'm picked up and replanting elsewhere. This has simply led to the feeling of not being home anywhere. Nothing seems familiar any more. Even being back at uni has been bittersweet. I was so looking forward to getting back here and settling back in with college life. Yet, things have changed. Or, better put, I have changed. I realize that I am no longer a college student. I enjoy the classes, but my mindset has shifted. I find myself unsure of where I fit in any more. Among all of these things, I find myself encountering regularly low-confidence, doubts, fear, worry, anxiety, loneliness, worthlessness, abandonment and a lack of direction, among other things. I feel like I've hit a snowdrift and have gotten stuck there in the ditch. I'm stuck, and I see no way out.
When one looks at the winter time, it can look bleak. Yet there is also an incredible amount of beauty which can be seen during this season. There are so many things which whisper of the Creator's touch when one takes the time to listen. The gentle falling of the snow among the forest's trees. The reflection of the sun through the icicles hanging from the roof. And there is even grown a deeper appreciation for the coming of spring. Without the contrast of the one, the other could not be fully realized for what it brings.
This time of winter in my own life works in this same way. Although things seem bleak and hopeless, with dreams and ideas seemingly crashing around me, I find that God is still whispering through the midst of all of this. He has not abandoned me. He is still very real and present. These are times of growth. It seems so cliche to simply say that, but I find that it is very true. God brings us to and through these times, not to leave us desperate and in pain but to teach us, stretch us and draw us closer to Himself. During the good times, it becomes easy to simply rely on my own strength to make do. Why not? Everything is going great so I might as well just keep doing what I'm doing. But that's not how it should be. I'm called to depend on Him fully and completely. But as long as I think I'm doing great, why would I change? These times work to call me back to dependence on Him. In my weakness, He is made strong. This time of life is a time of death for those things in me which need to pass away.
Only then will my heart be ready for the new growth which will come in the thawing of spring. Then, the loneliness, the worthlessness, the loss of hope and dreams, the essence of being homeless will pass away. Instead, I will know community, true worth, a resurgence of of a mind to dream and hope for the future and the the finding of a place I can call home. This time has yet to come though. I'm still in the midst of winter. I'm still bundled up against the chill of life. But I have His warm embrace to fight the chill. He is the one which I need to depend on now.
Right now I feel like I have entered into a major time of winter in my life. Since about... mid-November I'd say... I have been getting hit by one thing after another. Granted, some are bigger issues than others. Yet, each one has simply worked to build up the stack already sitting on my heart. I've had major stretching occur in my own life, working to challenge and bring to light many of my habits and attributes which aren't honorable. I've had hopes and dreams which I was looking forward to come crashing down around me. I've found myself unsure of what the future holds. This is especially nerve-wracking when I look and see graduation looming so near. I've come to experience a sense of being homeless over these past few months. Having jumped locations frequently, I haven't had time to put down any significant roots. The moment I start to get settled in I'm picked up and replanting elsewhere. This has simply led to the feeling of not being home anywhere. Nothing seems familiar any more. Even being back at uni has been bittersweet. I was so looking forward to getting back here and settling back in with college life. Yet, things have changed. Or, better put, I have changed. I realize that I am no longer a college student. I enjoy the classes, but my mindset has shifted. I find myself unsure of where I fit in any more. Among all of these things, I find myself encountering regularly low-confidence, doubts, fear, worry, anxiety, loneliness, worthlessness, abandonment and a lack of direction, among other things. I feel like I've hit a snowdrift and have gotten stuck there in the ditch. I'm stuck, and I see no way out.
When one looks at the winter time, it can look bleak. Yet there is also an incredible amount of beauty which can be seen during this season. There are so many things which whisper of the Creator's touch when one takes the time to listen. The gentle falling of the snow among the forest's trees. The reflection of the sun through the icicles hanging from the roof. And there is even grown a deeper appreciation for the coming of spring. Without the contrast of the one, the other could not be fully realized for what it brings.
This time of winter in my own life works in this same way. Although things seem bleak and hopeless, with dreams and ideas seemingly crashing around me, I find that God is still whispering through the midst of all of this. He has not abandoned me. He is still very real and present. These are times of growth. It seems so cliche to simply say that, but I find that it is very true. God brings us to and through these times, not to leave us desperate and in pain but to teach us, stretch us and draw us closer to Himself. During the good times, it becomes easy to simply rely on my own strength to make do. Why not? Everything is going great so I might as well just keep doing what I'm doing. But that's not how it should be. I'm called to depend on Him fully and completely. But as long as I think I'm doing great, why would I change? These times work to call me back to dependence on Him. In my weakness, He is made strong. This time of life is a time of death for those things in me which need to pass away.
Only then will my heart be ready for the new growth which will come in the thawing of spring. Then, the loneliness, the worthlessness, the loss of hope and dreams, the essence of being homeless will pass away. Instead, I will know community, true worth, a resurgence of of a mind to dream and hope for the future and the the finding of a place I can call home. This time has yet to come though. I'm still in the midst of winter. I'm still bundled up against the chill of life. But I have His warm embrace to fight the chill. He is the one which I need to depend on now.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Spirit of Poverty
So, in my own personal reading, I decided to take up a specific focus. I wanted to work through Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, specifically concentrating on the Beatitudes. I want to take time to reflect on each one in turn, digging in deeper and using different commentaries to get some further info on what is being taught here.
The first one, for those wondering, is "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
One of the first things I have come to learn about the Beatitudes is that these are not attitudes or actions which a person may perform like a checklist; once the action or state has been reached, then it can be ticked off. What Jesus was teaching is that these are things which should naturally come out of our walk with Him. We should already be living in a spirit of poverty. Following Him means we become poor in spirit.
What exactly is meant by poor in spirit, though? As I read, I have come to learn that the poverty spoken of here is not someone who is tightly pressed for finances, nor is it someone who has chosen to give up a few things for the sake of another. No, the poverty spoken of by Jesus is an absolute poverty. The person has had no choice in the matter. They have found themselves fully and completely left in absolute poverty. They are fully dependent on others for their very survival. And we as Christians have been called to such a spiritual life of this poverty. We are to be utterly wrecked, realizing that on our own we can do and achieve nothing for we have nothing. We are desolate. We are humbled. And we are dependent on God. He is the source of our very livelihood. When we are poor in spirit, we come to realize that we have to fully and completely depend on God in all aspects of our spiritual life. He is the one guiding and leading it. We bring nothing to the table. Instead, it is all Him.
Man, reading this, I once again realize just how clingy I am. I keep wanting to hold on to my rubbish spirituality. I keep thinking I have something worthwhile to bring to the table. Yet, I don't. I have nothing. I need to let go of the filth I still hold on to. I need to reach out to Him, the Great Provider. He is the ultimate source. I seem to forget this so easily. I get so caught up in my little world of worries and desires. This false wealth needs to be let go of. Even more so I need to get rid of this false poverty. I keep thinking I am poor, having handed it all over to God. Yet, I still have that little bit of fool's gold which I'm holding on to, just in case. That's not true poverty. True poverty is having nothing and being fully and utterly dependent on Him.
Now, I said these are not little lists which I can follow to be a better boy. They are lifestyles which flow out of relationship with my Savior. Draw me closer to You, Lord. Help me to learn to be completely reliant and dependent on You.
Make this my prayer.
The first one, for those wondering, is "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
One of the first things I have come to learn about the Beatitudes is that these are not attitudes or actions which a person may perform like a checklist; once the action or state has been reached, then it can be ticked off. What Jesus was teaching is that these are things which should naturally come out of our walk with Him. We should already be living in a spirit of poverty. Following Him means we become poor in spirit.
What exactly is meant by poor in spirit, though? As I read, I have come to learn that the poverty spoken of here is not someone who is tightly pressed for finances, nor is it someone who has chosen to give up a few things for the sake of another. No, the poverty spoken of by Jesus is an absolute poverty. The person has had no choice in the matter. They have found themselves fully and completely left in absolute poverty. They are fully dependent on others for their very survival. And we as Christians have been called to such a spiritual life of this poverty. We are to be utterly wrecked, realizing that on our own we can do and achieve nothing for we have nothing. We are desolate. We are humbled. And we are dependent on God. He is the source of our very livelihood. When we are poor in spirit, we come to realize that we have to fully and completely depend on God in all aspects of our spiritual life. He is the one guiding and leading it. We bring nothing to the table. Instead, it is all Him.
Man, reading this, I once again realize just how clingy I am. I keep wanting to hold on to my rubbish spirituality. I keep thinking I have something worthwhile to bring to the table. Yet, I don't. I have nothing. I need to let go of the filth I still hold on to. I need to reach out to Him, the Great Provider. He is the ultimate source. I seem to forget this so easily. I get so caught up in my little world of worries and desires. This false wealth needs to be let go of. Even more so I need to get rid of this false poverty. I keep thinking I am poor, having handed it all over to God. Yet, I still have that little bit of fool's gold which I'm holding on to, just in case. That's not true poverty. True poverty is having nothing and being fully and utterly dependent on Him.
Now, I said these are not little lists which I can follow to be a better boy. They are lifestyles which flow out of relationship with my Savior. Draw me closer to You, Lord. Help me to learn to be completely reliant and dependent on You.
Make this my prayer.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Running Nowhere
I find myself in a strange place right now. Having come back from my internship which lasted these past 7 months, I now find myself re-entering into the world of a student. Once more I am going to class and sitting for an hour or so at a time. A year ago, I was okay with this pattern of life. I could handle simply going to class and then hanging around the dorms for the rest of the day. This time around, though, I find myself growing anxious about a great many things.
I just returned from engaging and entering into the world of young people. Almost every day of the week I was at the youth project and working with the young people. I was giving of myself on an almost daily basis. That was my day. And I'll be honest... there I felt I had a purpose. But now, being back on campus, I'm not sure what my purpose in life is. I'm going to class. I come back to the house. I have fun being with my mates again. But what difference am I making? What worthwhile thing am I doing with my time here? And as these thoughts continue to fester around in my mind, it just adds to the bit of... bleak feeling I've had for the past wee while now.
I don't know where I'm going. I feel like I've been blindfolded and I'm just stumbling along through life. I have no clear direction in which to proceed. Add to that the fact that I somewhat feel like life has taken a major dump on me lately. It's just been several disappointments and unexpected let downs which add up to this current feeling. I find myself standing here, arms lifted up and crying, "What now, God?" I'm having a hard time seeing where exactly He is leading me right now. What I was hoping for isn't exactly coming to fruition, but I suppose I should almost expect that by this time in life. Things don't always work out like I may have planned for them.
But it's then at this point of time that I have to check myself. It can become so easy for me to fall into this pattern of feeling sorry for myself. God has been taking care of me up to now. And He is going to continue to take care of me and lead me to where I should be. I just have to trust and continue to give myself over to Him. Yes, this may mean that my schedule, plans, hopes and dreams must be sacrificed. I need to accept this. As I have learned so well this past 7 months, God likes to work in unexpected ways.
So, I guess that is where I find myself right now. I'm waiting. I'm in stasis for the next few months. During this time, I need to engage with where I am at now. This is a time for learning. There is still some stretching and growing which needs to take place. But there is some work which still needs done; some refining by fire, if you will. I'm not really looking forward to this, that's for sure. Being worked over in the fire isn't exactly my idea of a thrilling time. Yet, this is where I find me. I know that tomorrow will come and that God will continue to lead me on. I simply need to rely on His guiding light. So, yeah... although I feel like I'm stuck on a treadmill, I'm going to keep on chugging forward. It's time to pick up my feet and keep running the path set before me.
I just returned from engaging and entering into the world of young people. Almost every day of the week I was at the youth project and working with the young people. I was giving of myself on an almost daily basis. That was my day. And I'll be honest... there I felt I had a purpose. But now, being back on campus, I'm not sure what my purpose in life is. I'm going to class. I come back to the house. I have fun being with my mates again. But what difference am I making? What worthwhile thing am I doing with my time here? And as these thoughts continue to fester around in my mind, it just adds to the bit of... bleak feeling I've had for the past wee while now.
I don't know where I'm going. I feel like I've been blindfolded and I'm just stumbling along through life. I have no clear direction in which to proceed. Add to that the fact that I somewhat feel like life has taken a major dump on me lately. It's just been several disappointments and unexpected let downs which add up to this current feeling. I find myself standing here, arms lifted up and crying, "What now, God?" I'm having a hard time seeing where exactly He is leading me right now. What I was hoping for isn't exactly coming to fruition, but I suppose I should almost expect that by this time in life. Things don't always work out like I may have planned for them.
But it's then at this point of time that I have to check myself. It can become so easy for me to fall into this pattern of feeling sorry for myself. God has been taking care of me up to now. And He is going to continue to take care of me and lead me to where I should be. I just have to trust and continue to give myself over to Him. Yes, this may mean that my schedule, plans, hopes and dreams must be sacrificed. I need to accept this. As I have learned so well this past 7 months, God likes to work in unexpected ways.
So, I guess that is where I find myself right now. I'm waiting. I'm in stasis for the next few months. During this time, I need to engage with where I am at now. This is a time for learning. There is still some stretching and growing which needs to take place. But there is some work which still needs done; some refining by fire, if you will. I'm not really looking forward to this, that's for sure. Being worked over in the fire isn't exactly my idea of a thrilling time. Yet, this is where I find me. I know that tomorrow will come and that God will continue to lead me on. I simply need to rely on His guiding light. So, yeah... although I feel like I'm stuck on a treadmill, I'm going to keep on chugging forward. It's time to pick up my feet and keep running the path set before me.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
As Rafiki said...
Well, the it appears that my journey has finally come full circle. As I sit here in the flat on this gray, rainy day in Scotland, I begin to think about tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day I am heading back to the States. My internship here has run it's course and now is the time for me to move on to the next chapter in my life.
For a while, I have had a fair amount of grief with the fact that I am leaving. I have learned so much being here. I have grown more confident in myself and my abilities. I have pushed myself to become more assertive and to not shy away from conflict. I have had my mind expanded in regards to youth work. I have learned new theories and ideas concerning effective youth work. And I have had my nice, little perceptions of God completely blown out of the water. He has once more proven to me just how big and in control He truly is. He has worked in so many ways here, growing and pushing me beyond where I had settled down. He's placed me in situations which have made me look at myself and what I believe and realize just how absurd I was to think that. Yet, He has also constantly reminded me just how much He loves. He has shown so much grace, acceptance and comfort through the young people I have encountered here. Having gone through all of these things here in Dundee makes me sad to leave. I have developed such good relationships with people here. I have made a home here.
As I think about leaving, though, the words of the wise baboon from my youth echoes through my ears. We all remember that blue-bottomed fountain of guidance from our past. There's a certain quote from Rafiki which simply seems appropriate at this time. Rafiki, when explaining Simba's departure to the others, used 3 simple words which certainly resonate with me at this time. I feel they work well in my own situation. These words are simply this. "It is time."
It is time for me to journey on to the next chapter of my life. No, I don't fully know what the future is going to hold. But I know I need to press on. The growth and learning which the time here was for has happened. I've made steps forward in becoming the man God wants me to be. I can look back at see those instances in which I have grown. But it is time to move on to what He has in store next. I can't stay here. I need to allow myself to continue to be stretched and moved further along in my growth. So, with that in mind, I not only set off tomorrow on my flights, but I also set out on the next leg of this journey called life.
With that in mind, I want to thank you all for being a part of this experience with me. It has been good to share my thoughts and processing with you through this blog. Yeah, it wasn't exactly the most regularly update thing, but I was able to share bits and pieces with you. And I thank you for your support. Even though my time on PRIME is over, I do still plan on trying to update my blog in some sort of regular fashion. I'd like to continue to share my insights, thoughts and processing from life with you all. I won't be sending out notices for when I update, but if you check back regularly, hopefully you'll find something. And if not, just yell at me and I'll try and do some writing.
Cheers, all!
For a while, I have had a fair amount of grief with the fact that I am leaving. I have learned so much being here. I have grown more confident in myself and my abilities. I have pushed myself to become more assertive and to not shy away from conflict. I have had my mind expanded in regards to youth work. I have learned new theories and ideas concerning effective youth work. And I have had my nice, little perceptions of God completely blown out of the water. He has once more proven to me just how big and in control He truly is. He has worked in so many ways here, growing and pushing me beyond where I had settled down. He's placed me in situations which have made me look at myself and what I believe and realize just how absurd I was to think that. Yet, He has also constantly reminded me just how much He loves. He has shown so much grace, acceptance and comfort through the young people I have encountered here. Having gone through all of these things here in Dundee makes me sad to leave. I have developed such good relationships with people here. I have made a home here.
As I think about leaving, though, the words of the wise baboon from my youth echoes through my ears. We all remember that blue-bottomed fountain of guidance from our past. There's a certain quote from Rafiki which simply seems appropriate at this time. Rafiki, when explaining Simba's departure to the others, used 3 simple words which certainly resonate with me at this time. I feel they work well in my own situation. These words are simply this. "It is time."
It is time for me to journey on to the next chapter of my life. No, I don't fully know what the future is going to hold. But I know I need to press on. The growth and learning which the time here was for has happened. I've made steps forward in becoming the man God wants me to be. I can look back at see those instances in which I have grown. But it is time to move on to what He has in store next. I can't stay here. I need to allow myself to continue to be stretched and moved further along in my growth. So, with that in mind, I not only set off tomorrow on my flights, but I also set out on the next leg of this journey called life.
With that in mind, I want to thank you all for being a part of this experience with me. It has been good to share my thoughts and processing with you through this blog. Yeah, it wasn't exactly the most regularly update thing, but I was able to share bits and pieces with you. And I thank you for your support. Even though my time on PRIME is over, I do still plan on trying to update my blog in some sort of regular fashion. I'd like to continue to share my insights, thoughts and processing from life with you all. I won't be sending out notices for when I update, but if you check back regularly, hopefully you'll find something. And if not, just yell at me and I'll try and do some writing.
Cheers, all!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Hi, I'm a Hermit Crab
I'm not sure how many of you have ever made it to the beach. If you have had this amazing experience, then you may have noticed a little creature crawling along the beach. This little guy is the hermit crab. I find these guys fascinating. They crawl along the beach, going about their merry little way, content with the shell which they are lugging around. Yet, for such a little creature, the world can be a scary place. There's so much out there waiting to hurt or even eat them. And they know it. If you've ever come upon a hermit crab, you'll find that any outside disturbance of their environment will result in them pulling back and hiding in their shell. They don't want to get hurt, and thus pull away from any change. They are most comfortable with the norm.
In many ways, I find myself with a very similar attitude as the hermit crab. I don't like change, especially when I'm not the one choosing to bring it about. I like settling into a routine and seeking to keep things the same. When the status quo is kept, then I can relax and become comfortable. I don't have to reach out into others lives. I don't have to embrace the pain which is life. As long as I can live like a hermit crab, alone and safe in my shell, then I don't have to worry about getting hurt.
As I've have learned throughout my past 6 months here in Scotland, though, the life of a hermit crab is not a fulfilling one. Yes, I won't have any heart ache or mental anguish. But it's through these experiences that God steps in and causes growth. Changes are hard to face when they start stirring up the world around me. Yet, when we lean on God and embrace the growing pains around me, then I can fully appreciate the joys I experience too. Life isn't always pain and hurt. It is also full of hope and joy.
At times I forget this little fact. Yet, He gently reminds me that I need to let go, to allow myself to give over my futile grip on the things around me so that He can once more move and work. As I sit here this morning, writing this blog out, I find myself at another one of these moments where I have to decide to either let go and fall into His arms or scurry back into my little shell and hide. I've got about a week left here in Scotland. Soon I'll be journeying back to the States to finish off my last semester, then I'll be graduating and entering the "real world". Add on top of that the pain I encounter with the young people here and my own personal issues and I see a lot of things I could easily pull away from, so as to save myself heartache. It's easier to duck away rather than face head on the suffering around me.
But that's not what I'm called to. I'm not called to be a hermit crab. Instead, I'm called to be God's hands and feet in a world crying out for hope and acceptance. I can't allow myself to become wrapped up in my own security issues. Instead, I need to embrace the pain in my heart, hand my anxiety over to Him and then allow myself to be carried away by the wave of change as it crashes on top of me. Yes, it can be frightening. But, in His hands, I think I can find peace.
In many ways, I find myself with a very similar attitude as the hermit crab. I don't like change, especially when I'm not the one choosing to bring it about. I like settling into a routine and seeking to keep things the same. When the status quo is kept, then I can relax and become comfortable. I don't have to reach out into others lives. I don't have to embrace the pain which is life. As long as I can live like a hermit crab, alone and safe in my shell, then I don't have to worry about getting hurt.
As I've have learned throughout my past 6 months here in Scotland, though, the life of a hermit crab is not a fulfilling one. Yes, I won't have any heart ache or mental anguish. But it's through these experiences that God steps in and causes growth. Changes are hard to face when they start stirring up the world around me. Yet, when we lean on God and embrace the growing pains around me, then I can fully appreciate the joys I experience too. Life isn't always pain and hurt. It is also full of hope and joy.
At times I forget this little fact. Yet, He gently reminds me that I need to let go, to allow myself to give over my futile grip on the things around me so that He can once more move and work. As I sit here this morning, writing this blog out, I find myself at another one of these moments where I have to decide to either let go and fall into His arms or scurry back into my little shell and hide. I've got about a week left here in Scotland. Soon I'll be journeying back to the States to finish off my last semester, then I'll be graduating and entering the "real world". Add on top of that the pain I encounter with the young people here and my own personal issues and I see a lot of things I could easily pull away from, so as to save myself heartache. It's easier to duck away rather than face head on the suffering around me.
But that's not what I'm called to. I'm not called to be a hermit crab. Instead, I'm called to be God's hands and feet in a world crying out for hope and acceptance. I can't allow myself to become wrapped up in my own security issues. Instead, I need to embrace the pain in my heart, hand my anxiety over to Him and then allow myself to be carried away by the wave of change as it crashes on top of me. Yes, it can be frightening. But, in His hands, I think I can find peace.
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