Running Nowhere

I find myself in a strange place right now. Having come back from my internship which lasted these past 7 months, I now find myself re-entering into the world of a student. Once more I am going to class and sitting for an hour or so at a time. A year ago, I was okay with this pattern of life. I could handle simply going to class and then hanging around the dorms for the rest of the day. This time around, though, I find myself growing anxious about a great many things.

I just returned from engaging and entering into the world of young people. Almost every day of the week I was at the youth project and working with the young people. I was giving of myself on an almost daily basis. That was my day. And I'll be honest... there I felt I had a purpose. But now, being back on campus, I'm not sure what my purpose in life is. I'm going to class. I come back to the house. I have fun being with my mates again. But what difference am I making? What worthwhile thing am I doing with my time here? And as these thoughts continue to fester around in my mind, it just adds to the bit of... bleak feeling I've had for the past wee while now.

I don't know where I'm going. I feel like I've been blindfolded and I'm just stumbling along through life. I have no clear direction in which to proceed. Add to that the fact that I somewhat feel like life has taken a major dump on me lately. It's just been several disappointments and unexpected let downs which add up to this current feeling. I find myself standing here, arms lifted up and crying, "What now, God?" I'm having a hard time seeing where exactly He is leading me right now. What I was hoping for isn't exactly coming to fruition, but I suppose I should almost expect that by this time in life. Things don't always work out like I may have planned for them.

But it's then at this point of time that I have to check myself. It can become so easy for me to fall into this pattern of feeling sorry for myself. God has been taking care of me up to now. And He is going to continue to take care of me and lead me to where I should be. I just have to trust and continue to give myself over to Him. Yes, this may mean that my schedule, plans, hopes and dreams must be sacrificed. I need to accept this. As I have learned so well this past 7 months, God likes to work in unexpected ways.

So, I guess that is where I find myself right now. I'm waiting. I'm in stasis for the next few months. During this time, I need to engage with where I am at now. This is a time for learning. There is still some stretching and growing which needs to take place. But there is some work which still needs done; some refining by fire, if you will. I'm not really looking forward to this, that's for sure. Being worked over in the fire isn't exactly my idea of a thrilling time. Yet, this is where I find me. I know that tomorrow will come and that God will continue to lead me on. I simply need to rely on His guiding light. So, yeah... although I feel like I'm stuck on a treadmill, I'm going to keep on chugging forward. It's time to pick up my feet and keep running the path set before me.

As Rafiki said...

Well, the it appears that my journey has finally come full circle. As I sit here in the flat on this gray, rainy day in Scotland, I begin to think about tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day I am heading back to the States. My internship here has run it's course and now is the time for me to move on to the next chapter in my life.

For a while, I have had a fair amount of grief with the fact that I am leaving. I have learned so much being here. I have grown more confident in myself and my abilities. I have pushed myself to become more assertive and to not shy away from conflict. I have had my mind expanded in regards to youth work. I have learned new theories and ideas concerning effective youth work. And I have had my nice, little perceptions of God completely blown out of the water. He has once more proven to me just how big and in control He truly is. He has worked in so many ways here, growing and pushing me beyond where I had settled down. He's placed me in situations which have made me look at myself and what I believe and realize just how absurd I was to think that. Yet, He has also constantly reminded me just how much He loves. He has shown so much grace, acceptance and comfort through the young people I have encountered here. Having gone through all of these things here in Dundee makes me sad to leave. I have developed such good relationships with people here. I have made a home here.

As I think about leaving, though, the words of the wise baboon from my youth echoes through my ears. We all remember that blue-bottomed fountain of guidance from our past. There's a certain quote from Rafiki which simply seems appropriate at this time. Rafiki, when explaining Simba's departure to the others, used 3 simple words which certainly resonate with me at this time. I feel they work well in my own situation. These words are simply this. "It is time."

It is time for me to journey on to the next chapter of my life. No, I don't fully know what the future is going to hold. But I know I need to press on. The growth and learning which the time here was for has happened. I've made steps forward in becoming the man God wants me to be. I can look back at see those instances in which I have grown. But it is time to move on to what He has in store next. I can't stay here. I need to allow myself to continue to be stretched and moved further along in my growth. So, with that in mind, I not only set off tomorrow on my flights, but I also set out on the next leg of this journey called life.

With that in mind, I want to thank you all for being a part of this experience with me. It has been good to share my thoughts and processing with you through this blog. Yeah, it wasn't exactly the most regularly update thing, but I was able to share bits and pieces with you. And I thank you for your support. Even though my time on PRIME is over, I do still plan on trying to update my blog in some sort of regular fashion. I'd like to continue to share my insights, thoughts and processing from life with you all. I won't be sending out notices for when I update, but if you check back regularly, hopefully you'll find something. And if not, just yell at me and I'll try and do some writing.

Cheers, all!

Hi, I'm a Hermit Crab

I'm not sure how many of you have ever made it to the beach. If you have had this amazing experience, then you may have noticed a little creature crawling along the beach. This little guy is the hermit crab. I find these guys fascinating. They crawl along the beach, going about their merry little way, content with the shell which they are lugging around. Yet, for such a little creature, the world can be a scary place. There's so much out there waiting to hurt or even eat them. And they know it. If you've ever come upon a hermit crab, you'll find that any outside disturbance of their environment will result in them pulling back and hiding in their shell. They don't want to get hurt, and thus pull away from any change. They are most comfortable with the norm.

In many ways, I find myself with a very similar attitude as the hermit crab. I don't like change, especially when I'm not the one choosing to bring it about. I like settling into a routine and seeking to keep things the same. When the status quo is kept, then I can relax and become comfortable. I don't have to reach out into others lives. I don't have to embrace the pain which is life. As long as I can live like a hermit crab, alone and safe in my shell, then I don't have to worry about getting hurt.

As I've have learned throughout my past 6 months here in Scotland, though, the life of a hermit crab is not a fulfilling one. Yes, I won't have any heart ache or mental anguish. But it's through these experiences that God steps in and causes growth. Changes are hard to face when they start stirring up the world around me. Yet, when we lean on God and embrace the growing pains around me, then I can fully appreciate the joys I experience too. Life isn't always pain and hurt. It is also full of hope and joy.

At times I forget this little fact. Yet, He gently reminds me that I need to let go, to allow myself to give over my futile grip on the things around me so that He can once more move and work. As I sit here this morning, writing this blog out, I find myself at another one of these moments where I have to decide to either let go and fall into His arms or scurry back into my little shell and hide. I've got about a week left here in Scotland. Soon I'll be journeying back to the States to finish off my last semester, then I'll be graduating and entering the "real world". Add on top of that the pain I encounter with the young people here and my own personal issues and I see a lot of things I could easily pull away from, so as to save myself heartache. It's easier to duck away rather than face head on the suffering around me.

But that's not what I'm called to. I'm not called to be a hermit crab. Instead, I'm called to be God's hands and feet in a world crying out for hope and acceptance. I can't allow myself to become wrapped up in my own security issues. Instead, I need to embrace the pain in my heart, hand my anxiety over to Him and then allow myself to be carried away by the wave of change as it crashes on top of me. Yes, it can be frightening. But, in His hands, I think I can find peace.

In the Way of Sesame Street

In case you haven't realized this little fact, it is December. In fact, we are more than half way through December. For many of you, this little fact brings to mind that Christmas is just around the corner. As for myself, yes, this is a thought which is on my mind. Especially when I think about how different Christmas will be for me this year, being still out on PRIME and away from my family. But the thought that is really sitting on my mind when I think about the date is that my time here is so quickly running down. I have now entered into my final month here in Dundee.

It's weird for me to think about this little fact. I have really settled into my role here, living in Dundee and being capable of taking care of myself. Soon, though, my life will once more shifting. I will be packing up and preparing to enter back into the world of the U.S. This is a bit of an intimidating thought. I've been gone for a whole month. Lives have moved on since I was last there, as has mine. I've encountered situations and issues beyond what I had experienced previously. And I've grown from these encounters. I'm not the same as when I first set foot in Dundee. And life back home won't be the same either.

Life doesn't seem to like to stay stagnant for very long. Upon my return, I'm heading back to school. Then, in five months or so, I'll be entering into a whole new chapter of my life. This little thing called graduation is quickly approaching. After that, I will no longer have school in the fall to look forward to. With this in mind, I find myself quite intimidated by what is to come. It's like a big fog which my vision can't penetrate.

See, my life seems to have taken on the method of Sesame Street. Remember how each episode would be brought to you by a specific number and letter? They were the theme for the whole episode, being brought up at every possible moment by the characters until it was ingrained in your small impressionable mind. Well, I feel that my life has taken on a similar style of learning. Instead of a letter or number, I seem to have a word. And this word is: change.

Everywhere I look, I see change taking place. My thoughts, my opinions, my experiences, my relationships, my plans, my hopes, my dreams... most everything seems to keep getting touched by change. And with this change comes growth. Every experience works to better create me into the man that I need to be. Thing is... I have a hard time of seeing that end destination. I have no clue where God is taking me or what He's preparing me for. I kind of feel like I'm just along for the ride. And my jerk reaction is to get uptight, fearful and try to take back control. But, when I actually take time to think, I realize that's the worst thing I could be doing. God is in control. He's guided me this far and He's placed me in locations where I have learned so much and have developed beyond what I thought possible. Yeah, things have been painful at times. Yeah, sometimes life does suck. But, when it all boils down, each thing which has come my way has simply been the next step forward for me.

With this in mind, I have but one choice. I need to let go and lay all that I have; all my hopes, dreams, desires, anxiety, fears, at His feet. When I let go and trust Him, putting my faith in the promise that He will continue to guide me along through my life, I can find peace. And I can face that mysterious unknown hovering up ahead. I don't know what is in store. I can hope, but I don't know. I simply have to wait on Him and pursue with all my strength the roles He places before me.

who do you say i am?

In my ponderings these past few days, I have had this specific passage sticking out in my mind. It’s Mark 8:27-30, where Jesus is walking with the disciples and He begins to question them. He looks to them and asks, “Who do the people say that I am?” The disciples all then begin to pitch in names, calling off the top answers they’ve heard from all of the different people they’ve met on their journey. Oh, some say you’re one of the old greats, come back to us. You’re one of the prophets, here to help bring us back on track. And then, I just picture Him nodding His head, pausing... and then looking directly at them and saying, “But who do you say that I am?” And then there’s a long pause. The disciples suddenly find themselves rolling around in their minds all of these different names and roles they’ve attributed to Jesus. And they are stumped. Who is this man before them? And then, nervously, Peter speaks up and says, “You are the Christ.”

Right now I find myself facing this same question. Over the few short years and experiences which create the story of my life, I have encountered many different descriptions and roles of this man named Jesus. It seems that in these many centuries since He walked the earth, Jesus has had many different people try to say who He is. The list seems to go on and on. Savior. Redeemer. Lover. Friend. Unifier. Divider. Willful Giver. Jealous Keeper. A Middle-Eastern Man from Nazareth. A Man Who Goes Beyond Culture. Simple. Complex. Peace and Tranquility. Disturber of the Peace. Gentle Father. Harsh Judge. Rule Maker. Rule Breaker. Friend of the Poor. The list, I’ve found, goes on and on. I find I can easily answer His first question. Every generation has seemed to come up with an explanation of who He is.

But I find myself in that same position with the second question. He’s looked me directly in the eyes and has asked, “But who do you say that I am?” And I find myself at a loss of words. Who do I say He is……………..

I want to call off all of these different roles and adjectives which I feel describe Him. But, as they appear on my lips, I find these words somewhat inadequate. I feel like I’m… boxing Him up. I’m forcing Jesus into the role that I’ve allotted for Him. But is that who I want to say He is? For some reason, it just seems so…. insignificant. He is so much more than what I think. He’s more than my Savior. He’s more than Lord. He’s more than peace, love, justice, disturber of the peace or even a man from Nazareth. I’m finding the only appropriate response I can think of is the same as Peter.

He is the Christ.

I don’t fully grasp this. I doubt during the short story which is my existence I will ever fully grasp the significance to this statement. There’s so much to it. But what I have learned, and what I hope to share with you, is that I need to throw off my preconceptions of who He is. I cannot allow Him to become weighed down and defined by the different definitions conjured up by someone else. Like Peter, I need to allow God to be the one to reveal who His Son truly is. I need to let God shatter my boxes and instead let Him show me who He is.

The question’s been asked. “But who do you say that I am?”

Stars

During this time of year, it becomes a very traditional past time to spend time with those you love. These people can be your family, friends, significant others. The point is, this is a time when you connect with them and share that binding love which you share. You may have not seen them for the past few months, but as the weather begins to get colder and the sunlight a bit less each day, there's this sense in the air that the holidays are coming. No matter where your stance is about this time of the year, it is hard to deny the fact that there are distinct feelings which arise from the depths of our hearts, much like the proverbial Christmas lights from the depths of the attic.

One of the things which has struck me, though, is how I am not going to have that this year. It's quite hard to saunter on over to see my family or friends when there is a sizable puddle to jump in the process. And that is when it really sinks in. I'm far away, disconnected from that which I have grown up with and called home. At times, I feel like all of those things which I have grown to take as the norm are a world away. I'm simply far removed and disconnected. This is especially true with Thanksgiving past and Christmas to come. These holidays, which are times of gathering to see family, are going to be spent quite different than normal for me.

Yet, on a nice brisk evening walk I took tonight, I discovered something. Yes, I am in a different world, if you will. I'm almost half a world away from the fields of Indiana. I'm in a culture that is different from my previous experiences. There are so many new and wonderful things for me to experience and learn. And I am learning that home is not so far away.
Looking up into the clear, black sky, I saw these twinkling lights off in the distance. We see them regularly throughout our lives, shining away throughout the night. They have become such a commonplace thing that many times they can be overlooked. But I realized something. As I looked up, gazing at the stars in the sky, I began to pick out the constellations that I knew. And it dawned on me... these are the exact same stars that I saw back home. And for most of you, as you step outside at night and gaze upward, you will see those same twinkling lights. And that's a comforting thought. Yes, we may seem worlds apart. This holiday season, you may be finding yourself in the same circumstances as myself, spending it away from that which you see as normal. Yet, we really are not that far apart. And every place we find ourselves journeying through is just another extent of our family. God has made us each unique, each creating our own piece of music through our traditions and cultures. When they come together, though, a great symphony can be heard.

So, I realized, on my nice peaceful walk home tonight, that home, just like the stars, can be seen everywhere. No matter our circumstances or life conditions right now, home is where you make it. Feel encouraged, knowing that when you are thought of and missed, then you are there in that place in spirit. And when you start to feel alone in this world, take time to gaze up at those stars shining all around and realize, we are all within a mile of home.

Entering the Final Lap

Well, all... first off I apologize for the delay between writings. I seemed to have gotten a bit distracted as of late and haven't taken the time to sit down and write. Oops.

Things here are proceeding very nicely. It's been really amazing to see how the relationships I've been working at have grown and developed into what they are now. I now feel that the young people are open to me and willing to talk, which is really amazing. Looking ahead, I'm going to be really sad to go and leave these relationships.

Which kind of brings up the thing which has been on my heart as of late. It has really set in that I have reached my two months left here. My time right now in Dundee is drawing to a close. And this time will be going so fast. I have the rest of November, the first few weeks in December and then some time for the holidays will arrive. During that time, my family will be coming for a visit. Yes, that is right... Waterman family reunion here in Scotland. But right after they leave I will have to start preparing myself to leave. And that seems to create a rather odd mix of feelings in myself. I am very much so missing home, but I am also sad to see my time here draw to a close. With that, my mind has already started to wander down the path of preparing to head home and what all that will entail. Although there is some planning which will need done, I still cannot allow myself to dwell there. I must remain fully and completely immersed in what I am doing here.

I suppose this is a lesson in what it means to make sacrifices. Yes, I would love to be home, with my family and my friends right now. But that is not possible. And I need to accept that. For the time being I am here. And I am seeing amazing things taking place in my time here. I have had so many different lessons over these past few months. I've had numerous relationships built up. I have seen so many amazing things in my time here. And I still have 2 months left. That is incredibly exciting for me. There is still so much potential for what can happen here. So, I suppose my lesson at this time is not to dwell on what I am missing. Instead, I need to focus on what it is I am getting to experience. That's the big difference in how I feel, huh? God has placed me here for the time being. I can only continue to give myself over to Him and let Him lead as He wills. Soon enough I will be home again. For the time being, though, I will be making my home here in Dundee.