Within A Mile Of Home

Jumpstart to the System

2011-04-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

After a bit of a hiatus from the blogging world, I have decided to make a comeback. I have to admit, I've missed writing on here on a regular basis. Since I have some time before work, I've decided to heat up some tea, sit down at my computer, put on some relaxing music, and write away once more.

I'm discovering something about myself. I obey the laws of physics. Specifically, I obey Newton's first law fairly well. Newton's little insight into the world goes something like this. "An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion." A perfect example of this would be me sitting on a tube being dragged behind a boat last weekend. Even when the tube and myself decided to have an untimely parting between us, I decided it would be fun to continue in my pursuits, thus resulting in my skipping across the water like a rock thrown by a 9-year-old boy. But this isn't quite the idea I wanted to go with here.

This past weekend, I ended up having the joy of a 3 day break in the schedule. It was glorious. I was able to take a break and relax. I had nothing set on my schedule and could do whatever I wanted. Thursday night I had many glorious ideas for the possibilities of the weekend. Reading, working on some artwork, doing some housekeeping, going and paying a visit to my estranged friend "Gym"... I had some great plans. And then suddenly it was Sunday night. As I looked back on the weekend, I had no idea where it went. Most of plans went by the wayside. I ended up spending most of my weekend vegging out in front of the tube. Sure, I did hang out with some friends and what not. But in the pie chart that is my life, the big piece was vegging.

While it was relaxing and, spoiler alert, I got some achievements with my video game scores, I realized something. This weekend could have been so much more. But instead I allowed myself to follow suit with Newton's little thought. I was an object at rest and this object stayed at rest. Now, I easily realize we can get into a glorious debate on how rest is needed or a person needs to be productive with their time. That is not what I'm going at here. I'm being selfish and talking about myself right now. So there.

No, I have realized something about myself. I need to discipline myself. I need to set goals AND THEN follow through with them. I so easily fall into the trap of simply coasting through life, letting things come and go as they will. And what is sad is this is where my relationship with Christ has been heading. I let things come and go as they will. It hasn't been an active pursuit for a while now. And this disturbs me. How have I let things come to this? How is it that I expect to grow and meet with Him when I am sitting on my butt and doing nothing? Jesus demands active pursuit. It is high time I start giving Him that.

So yeah... this is my glorious rebirth back into the world of blogging. I suppose this fits in with my idea of needing more discipline in my life. I let this baby fall by the wayside because I was "too comfortable" doing my traditional little things. While I will continue to not be a full out planner, seeking to fill every moment of every day with some meaningful activity, (let's be serious here. I enjoy seeking meaningless high scores way too much) I do want to get myself into some healthy habits of spending my time in meaningful, productive ways. With a free summer coming up, I seriously need to get this discipline thing on track...

Jealousy...

2010-11-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

Hol. Lee. Crap. Has it really been a month and a half since my last post? Man, have I been slacking. Welp... I suppose that just means I'll need to get to posting again, doesn't it?

Here lately, I've had an interesting thought rattling around in my little noggin. I recently heard someone mention the idea of God being a jealous God. Jealousy isn't normally a viewed as a good thing. So, this has caused me to process further what all this statement contains. Here are a few of my thoughts.

God's jealousy for us is not like our jealousy. It is not based on selfish desires. It is more akin to the desire of a husband for his wife. The husband desires to be with his bride, to share in life and experience the joy of being with each other. The husband is not jealous of his bride. The word "of" is key here. This jealousy would mean he wants to possess her. He has to be with her and control all she does. If someone else spends time with her, he becomes upset. No one else may share what he has. This jealousy is unhealthy and many times what we experience.

God, on the other hand, is jealous for us. He wants to be with us and share life with His creation. His jealousy is based on love. He cannot bear to think of the Church, His bride, going off and giving herself to another. He knows of the pain and the hurt this will bring. Instead, He wants to be with her and to hold her close to Himself, nurturing and guiding her throughout life. The thing with God is this. He will pursue. He will call out. But He will not force. Human jealousy ends up with force and ripping away. It ends in with individuals being left torn and incomplete. God's jealousy ends in fullness. When a person finally finds themselves back in His arms, he or she finds themselves made complete. Christ completes. He desires to see this brought to bear in our lives.

So yeah... those are my thoughts. Granted, they are rather random and incomplete. But it was a thought that had struck me a few days back. I'm just amazed at how God jealously desires me. He wants to be with me, to hold me in His embrace. But He won't force Himself on me. I must choose to walk towards Him. Too many times I seem to choose to do the opposite...

Anywho, I'm about finished with my cup of cranberry/ apple juice. This means it is time to end this post. Later, peeps. I promise I will write sooner than last time.

Peace.

Intimacy

2010-09-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

Over the past few days, there has been a speaker at GCU named Josh Riebock who has spoken at the chapel services. Something he said at theGathering Tuesday night has stuck with me. He spoke on the idea of having intimacy, having a real, deep, connected relationship, with God. What does it look like to have intimacy, true intimacy, with my Father? As it should, this has gotten me thinking about my own life and where I stand with Him.

As I evaluate my own life, I've begun to realize that I am lacking in the department of true connectedness with Him. I either am simply catching Him at a moment's notice before moving on to the next task or I'm drowning out those silent times with noise. Maybe it's just me but I find those silent times a bit uncomfortable. It might be because I know if I truly listened, I would be shaken by what I hear... Whatever the reason, I realize that my level of relationship with God is low.

Let's look at a real relationship, shall we? In a healthy relationship, one of the key features is time. The two parties spend time together; real time that is not rushed or forced. They simply exist together. A relationship is not built off of a few minutes here and there. It is built from taking time to be in each others' presence. Another key feature of a healthy relationship is communication. All of the talking is not done by one person. Both parties need to be sharing. And both need to be listening. One can talk, but it becomes fruitless if the other is not taking in what is being said.

Sadly when I look at my relationship with God, this is what I see. I'm taking no time whatsoever to be in the Master's presence. When I am taking time out to simply be with Him, I am the one talking. I'm constantly sharing what I want to be known and then leaving it that. True, He wants to hear from me, be it big or little. Yet, He has so much more that He wants to tell me. A great thought presented by Josh dealt with our perception of approaching God. He looked at it from the view of a master and a servant. When have you ever seen or heard of a servant who approached his master and addresses him nonchalantly. The servant would walk in and quickly say, "Oh, sorry, sir. I got caught up in my own affairs. I hope all is well with you. Later." I personally don't think the servant would last very long with that attitude. Instead, a servant enters his master's presence and then waits. He will wait for however long until the master has dismissed him. There may be long stretches of silence, yet the servant will continue to wait patiently. With this in mind, I have only one response. Boy, do I suck as a servant...

So, I suppose my thought right now is this. Seek that intimacy with God. Seek that gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, nerve-wracking, life-shattering, all-encompassing love which comes from sharing in true, unrelenting intimacy with the Most High. God wants that intimacy. He's rather stubborn when it comes to a relationship with His children. He'll keep pursuing, even if we don't see it. Just... don't leave Him waiting. I do that far too often...

Peace.

A Nice, Easy Morning

2010-08-30T08:55:00.001-07:00

I've got my nice bowl of Lucky Charms going this morning and some time to spare before heading in to work, so I thought I would take some time to relax and do some blogging, especially since it's been quite some time since I've been able to write.

Man, things have certainly been fast-paced recently. There's been training for the past few weeks, and this past weekend was move-in with all of the students. The atmosphere of the campus has certainly changed. For some reason have around 1000 students arrive does that... I've also started my grad classes. And here I thought I would be done with homework. Ha. Overall, things have been amazingly good. The team of RAs are amazing. The group of students have been fun and for the most part engaging with the activities going on around campus. Dude! Saturday night, GCU bought a water park out here for the evening. That was such a fun time hanging out with students and simply playing in a pretty sweet water park. And the scenery only made it better. Phoenix had a rather big storm move through the area (we passed a car that had a decent sized limb on it) and the clouds were still hanging around. The park itself was clear, but almost all the way around it there were thunder clouds. Lightning kept lighting up the clouds and the mountains around the area. Simple put: breathtaking.

So yeah... things here are definitely picking up. This week should see me settling into my "normal" routine with everything. Even in the midst of all of this busyness, I'm still finding myself standing in awe of how God continues to move. The level of passion for Him in the student leaders here is humbling. The scope of blessing in my life has left me speechless. I don't know how to thank Him for everything He has done. Even when I doubted and wanted to throw my hands up in frustration, He continues to provide. My desire now is to find a way in which to give back. He has provided all of this for me. How can I now turn this blessing back to Him, pouring it out on those around me? This is what I desire. I want to see Him glorified through what I say and do here. I don't want to simply sit on this blessing and keep it to myself.

Anyway, there's my little update for the time. Hopefully I'll have more opportunities to write now that training is over.

Blessings, my friends.

Blessings

2010-08-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

My first week here in Phoenix has almost reached it's conclusion. I must say, this week has been incredibly encouraging. The people, the activities, the environment... shoot, even my living conditions and the items I have been given over these past few days, weeks and months has been amazing. I'm left speechless at the enormous amount of blessings which have been poured out on me. I'm astounded at how much God has provided me. This environment is one which I am excited to be working in. The people here have a great attitude towards their work, focusing on the students and their needs above all. The actual environment of Phoenix that I'm in is great too. Granted, it's not going to be the most comfortable of environments. It's a far cry from the firefly-saturated fields of Indiana. Shoot... some of the stories make me laugh at the situation. For example, they said not to panic if I hear gun shots. That's just a part of the area.

But these circumstances make me excited. Much like Scotland, my perception on the world is once more about to be stretched, challenged and changed. I'm meeting new people and encountering new things. This new chapter is going to be yet again a life-forming time in my life. It will be hard and challenging at times, but I'm looking forward to this growth. It will be good.

At the same time, I must admit I'm a little frightened with what this new position means. I have been insanely blessed over these last few weeks. It feels like God has poured out one blessing after another. For some reason He finds it a good idea to take this action. Yet, I'm scared of what this might entail. I hold to the idea that to whom much is given, much is required. I don't mean to say that God pours out His blessings with a price. What I mean is that I have been given a great deal... provided housing, a great place to work, things to help me function in life comfortably. I cannot simply sit on these things and keep them to myself. I have been given these things for a reason. I believe that there is some purpose or role that God is calling me to fulfill. These blessings are my proverbial talents. When the master comes to settle accounts with His property, (for these things are not my own, but His) what will I have to show for my time here? And I must admit that I am scared of failure. I don't want to come up short.

So, I must turn to Him, seeking for His clarity in the path which has been laid before me. May I see the opportunities as they come. May I grasp these times with confidence and assurance in my abilities. May I bring You glory and honor through the words I say, the actions I take and the life I live. I make this my prayer as this time of newness and refreshing opens.

Blessings, my friends.

The 2 X 4 of Life Cometh

2010-07-29T21:17:00.000-07:00

Here, on the eve of departure, reality is suddenly kicking in. As Dad would put it, I feel like I'm being hit in the head by a 2 x 4. The reality is that tomorrow I leave for Arizona, where I'll be starting in with my new job and new life. This simply leaves me stunned. It's crazy that I have come to this point. It still feels quite unreal with the whole thing. Am I really leaving the fields of Indiana and heading out there? Won't I continue to wake up and follow my routine here at home? What am I talking about, leaving home and moving out there? I'm not really doing that, am I?

Yet, the truth of the matter is I am. This new chapter of my life is preparing to unfold. And I am having some major mixed emotions about the whole thing. First of all, there is a good deal of sadness and grief. For the new to take place, the old must change. In a way, it must be left behind. I don't really like this term because I consider my family as a part of this current life. To say it must pass away makes me feel like I will never see them again. That being the case, I think I'll settle for using the term "change". My relationship with them, and with others, will still exist. But a major change it what these relationships look like is about to occur. So, there is some sadness. Seeing these things change and become a part of my past is hard. But come it must.

On the flip side, there is a lot of excitement with this move. Here is a new and exciting step in my life. I'm going to get to go meet new people and engage in new things. There are new sights to see, new experiences to be had, new relationships to develop. This next chapter in my life is going to be another moment growth and change. And I'm excited for it. I've seen how God has brought these things together so perfectly. In the midst of one of the lowest times in my life, what with low self-esteem, some depression issues and a severe lack of seeing God's love for me, I stand amazed at how He moved and brought all of these things together in His timing. As I look ahead in life, I still have no idea what is in store for me. Honestly, I have next to no clue at all what exactly my role with Grand Canyon will consist of. What I do know is that, much like Scotland, God is bringing me there for a reason. And, going of a good friend's advice from tonight, I need to make myself present where I am at. I don't need to worry about the past, future or even what else is going on at the time. I am where I am for a reason, and I need to strive to thrive as best as I can with what I'm doing.

So, I look ahead to my departure tomorrow, unsure of what lies in store for me. There's a lot of uncertainty ahead (like 99% of what my life will entail). What I do know is that my next chapter is unfolding in front of me. It's time to step forward to my next adventure.

Blessings, my friends.

A Silent Presence

2010-07-04T10:10:00.000-07:00

In church today I actually heard something which I rarely hear from the front. The pastor was speaking from Daniel 3, which is the account of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego and the furnace. The point which the pastor made was that it is normal for Christians to suffer and not hear from God, nor even see Him working, for long stretches of time. I feel like we rarely address this part of our faith, holding to the idea that if we trust in God and do all of the right things everything will turn out peachy. But that is not true. Following God can be incredibly tough and the road is often littered with pain.

The story of these three shows this fact quite clearly. I many times forget their history, concentrating on the immediate story in chapter 3. They started off in the royal palace in Judah, having an education and most likely plenty of privileges. They watched as the Babylonian Empire advanced towards their kingdom. They more than likely called out to God, asking for His protection and salvation from this threat. Yet, Judah still fell. They then saw themselves carted off as slaves to Babylon, where they were subjected to cultural brainwashing and completely stripped of their very identity, even given new Babylonian names. They more than likely called out to God throughout this whole ordeal, asking for Him to intervene and save them. Yet, the response they received was silence. Then we come upon chapter 3. The statue had been erected and they were to bow down in worship or face death. Yet these 3 men stood their ground, refusing to give worship to anyone but the most High God. When they faced the furnace, their reply to Nebuchadnezzar was that they worship no one but God and that He can save them from the flames. Even if He didn't, they would still follow Him alone.

I've never approached their story in this manner before. Their faith in God is astounding. They had every reason to say that God no longer cared for them, that He had abandoned them and that they were on their own. He had remained silent in those other times when they cried out for Him. Yet, here they were, facing death and yet remaining steadfast in their faith. They knew God can move and save. They didn't know if He would or not, but they still believed in Him.

I hear this and then I look at myself. I get so upset when I don't feel like I'm hearing anything from God for a few weeks or even months. I complain that He's abandoned me, that He doesn't truly care, that I'm on my own. Yet that isn't true by any means. He's still there, even in the silence. I need to learn how to be at peace in this silence, grounding my faith on the truth and love which I have already experienced. He is faithful, even when I can't seem to see it.

So yeah... this was something I found really cool from the sermon this morning and I wanted to share. Hope you found it as encouraging as I did.

Peace, my friends.

Ponderings as of Late

2010-07-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

So, as of late I feel like I've been on a wee bit of an emotional roller coaster ride. I find myself down in the dumps one minute, soaring on cloud 9 the next and then suddenly back down in the depths of depression. And it seems like the simplest of things can set me off on this roller coaster. I know it's not really the little things which are causing this fluctuation. There's something deeper going on in me, and I've been trying to lay a finger on what it is exactly. So, maybe I can process some of my thoughts here and see where it gets me.

This past wee while has been, as is apparent from my previous posts, a rough time for me. I've had some major disappointments and let-downs come my way, many of which has caused a lot of... well... emotional trauma is the best way to describe it. I've doubted myself, my role in life, even my own worth as a person. Basically I cast my own self out as worthless and not deserving of anyone's time. Coupled with these thoughts and emotions was the fact that my life seems to be in a constant state of change right now. I finished off my final semester of university and had started to look ahead into the giant blank that is my future. And I was scared. I feel inadequate to do much of anything, I have no idea what I can do or where I can go, my close friends where all leaving and going their separate ways, and for much of this time I had nothing on which to ground myself.

With so many changes coming so fast, my already hyper-charged emotions have been getting hit pretty hard. One minute I'm feeling hopeful about things, feeling like I'm on top of the world. Something happens or I catch a passing comment and I find myself starting back down that destructive spiral. I know this spiral spawns from something other than the circumstance, but I can't seem to nail it down. I think a part of it comes from my own insecurities, especially those that have been drug up recently. Maybe it's because I don't fully know how to cope with all of these changes, especially the loses which seem to be happening so regularly. Maybe it's these feelings of being so small in a world that is so big. I don't fully understand my place in this world, but I have come to realize just how big it is and how small I am. That could easily cause some interesting emotions.

It's interesting, though. As I am sitting here, processing all of these thoughts and feelings that I have been having, I have the song "How He Loves" playing on my lappy. And I'm being struck once more by just how wide and deep His love for me is. No matter what comes my way, no matter what emotional trauma I seem to be experiencing, He is still constantly there, supporting and encouraging me. He is the Father, running out to meet me while I trudge towards the house, ashamed of my actions. Even when I feel abandoned and alone, He is still there. And you know... I think that's what I needed to acknowledge. I don't know fully what has caused this roller coaster in me. Most likely it's been a multitude of circumstances and events all coming together into a perfect storm of discouragement. What I do know is what the cure is. It's His embrace. I find myself awestruck when I think about His love for me. He's right there beside me, suffering when I suffer and rejoicing when I rejoice. No matter how worthless and rejected I feel by others, He is still there with open arms inviting me into His warm embrace. And you know something? When I think about that, I don't feel so down anymore...

Peace, my friends.

Cliches of Trust

2010-06-28T07:18:00.000-07:00

I feel that an update on life right now is in order. After much waiting and searching, I finally have something in which to engage myself in the near future. I have been offered a position as an Assistant Resident Director at Grand Canyon University. So, this means that come the first of August I will be moving out to Phoenix. This certainly comes as a major life change. I'm moving off to a place where I will know no one. But I'm finding myself quite excited by this coming change. Yes, there is some nervousness. I don't know fully what to expect, and I'm going to be away from the norm. The more I think about it, though, the more excited I become. Life is shaping up and, for at least the next wee while, I have a direction in which to point myself.

As I look at this and I look back at the past few months, I can see a definite change in myself concerning my attitude and approach to life. Yes, first of all, having something like this come up will certainly affect my outlook. But going beyond that I've noticed a difference in my relationship with God. These past few months, I've been upset with God. I've wanted something in which to ground myself, something which I could take a hold of and set as my foundation. Looking ahead into life, I just kept seeing this big blank sheet and it scared me. I wanted some form of direction and something tangible to set myself on. Before having my interview with Grand Canyon, I had a wee bit of an insight with my relationship with God. I can't be looking for something tangible or physical as the foundation for my hope and outlook on life. That will simply lead to the attitude I had; when there's nothing to set my hopes in, then I sink down into the depths of despair. Instead, my hopes, my attitude, my outlook on life needs to be grounded in God alone. He is the firm foundation. The reason He can be is that He is constant and He will not fail. His love for me continues on and will provide for me in my needs. This is something I had come to forget. Over this past month I came to be reminded of this, and that I need to trust in Him alone.

Granted, this sounds cheesy, especially since I'm approaching it from the standpoint that I do have a plan for the future. It seems like I'm saying the age-old cliche that if you trust in God everything will come together perfectly. Honestly, I don't think things are as easy as that. Yet, I have come to once more trust that God will take care of His children. He loves us, and He wants to strive on our behalf. It is up to us to trust in Him, knowing that He will guide and lead if we let Him. So yeah... I know... cheesy cliche here. Sounds like I'm simply saying "Trust God and everything will be alright." And I don't want to simply say the padded answer. What I am saying is that He cares and loves for us more than we could ever imagine. His heart breaks when ours do. He doesn't want to see us in pain, and He will be there in the midst of our struggles, even if it doesn't seem like it. As I have learned, put your trust and hope in God. His love can carry you through.

Some Refining...

2010-06-17T05:58:00.001-07:00

A characteristic of mine has recently come to the forefront of my attention. In general interaction with people, be they strangers or those I know, I have noticed this attribute coming out more than I would like. You see, I have begun to notice just how selfish I really am. It's been rather disturbing to see how much my selfishness influences my interactions with people and even my decision making. This realization has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I know, every person has some form of selfishness in them. It's a part of the Fall. Yet, I don't like how much of an influence this nature seems to possess in my life. As I head in to town and interact with people, it has amazed me how many times I have become irritated by people who aren't acting in a way that I would like. When situations don't go exactly like I have planned, I find myself getting bent out of shape. I keep unconsciously and consciously placing myself at the center of the universe, thinking that everyone should know what I am thinking and want and thus bend to my will.

I keep forgetting that each person I meet, each person I come across has their own life, their own plans, their own hopes, their own stories... There is so much that is happening in their lives, so much that I cannot even imagine which is just below the surface. Their interactions with me barely scratches the surface with what is going on underneath. And when I think about how I have acted, denouncing their stories as irrelevant to my own passing whims...

I don't want to be like this, thinking only about satisfying my desires and wants. Lord, open my eyes to those around me. Teach me how to contain and discipline myself. Teach me want it truly means to humbly submit my will to Yours. Teach me what it means to truly love like You do. Teach me how to see beyond myself. May my eyes be turned outward.

And for you, if you're reading this, I want to apologize. I don't know if you've simply stumbled on this or if you are a friend of mine, but I want to apologize to you. I want to apologize for allowing my selfishness, my self-serving attitude, to influence how I have acted. It has caused me to wrap up inside of my own wants and desires and miss what is truly important. It has caused me to miss and celebrate what God is doing in those around me. It has stifled the pouring forth of joy from my heart and has replaced it with bitterness. So, no matter what our relationship may be, be it a passing moment or an every day occurrence, I apologize. Now it is time to move on, purging this from myself through through the assistance of God alone. His love shall teach me and carry me forward.

Peace, my friends.

The Father's Love

2010-06-10T05:34:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest, these past few months have not been pleasant on me. It would seem like I have been squeezed like a ketchup bottle, and what's poured forth from my insides has not been pleasant. There's been a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, a lot of cynicism, a lot of loneliness. This past wee while has been marked by a very quick drop in my self-esteem and own feelings of worth. As I have taken assessment of myself, I keep seeing every single one of my faults... seeing myself as nothing more than a failure not worth anyone's time, energy or thought. It hasn't helped that these times of thought have been fed by my time alone. That seems to be the standard cycle of things. Due to circumstances in others' lives, I found myself alone for a good portion of my free time. In this free time, these wounds would only fester and grow. This in turn caused me to withdraw even more into my pain, making me more undesirable to be around. It's been a vicious cycle, being added to with my graduation and coming home. It has been a lonely occurrence coming home. I spend the majority of my time picking strawberries and free time is usually spent simply hanging around the house. When I encounter friends from the past, I feel like I am encountering a ghost. I remember the relationship which used to exist, but which no longer stands. Both of us have grown and entered different life circumstances... and I don't know where I stand. And again, this just adds to my downward spiral. It feels like one more burden, one more twinge of pain added to my burden and I simply withdraw back into my shell.

And I can see how this attitude has affected my relationship with God. My view of myself has affected how I feel God views me. I'm simply the little peon that He uses when He wants to. I have felt at times that He doesn't care for me, that He doesn't have any sort of plan in store for me, simply because I'm not worth His time. I search for some sort of guidance and path for where to go now that I've graduated and I hear nothing. I try to search and find something to follow, but then these things each have the door closed on them. It seems that no matter where I turn, what I do, what I plan, God is there blocking my path. I haven't felt His love, His joy or His peace in quite some time. Pain, disregard and rejection instead have been the most common feelings as of late.

Last night, though, I was reading in my current book of interest, The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen, and something seemed to stick. The things Nouwen had to say in regard to the parable of the prodigal son struck a cord on my heart. In this chapter, he describes the father from the parable. "His seeing is an eternal seeing, a seeing that reaches out to all of humanity. It is a seeing that understands the lostness of women and men of all times and places, that knows with immense compassion the suffering of those who have chosen to leave home, that cried oceans of tears as they got caught in anguish and agony. The heart of the father burns with an immense desire to bring his children home... How much would he have liked to pull them back with his fatherly authority and hold them close to himself so that they would not get hurt. But His love is too great to do any of that. It cannot force, constrain, push, or pull. It offers the freedom to reject that love or to love in return. It is precisely the immensity of the divine love that is the source of the divine suffering. God, creator of heaven and earth, has chosen to be, first and foremost, a Father."

He continues with this. "The Father wants to say, more with his touch than with his voice, good things of his children. He has no desire to punish them. They have already been punished excessively by their own inner or outer waywardness. The Father wants simply to let them know that the love they have searched for in such distorted ways has been, is, and always will be there for them."

These words cut deep in me. They have reminded me of the Father's love. He is not seeking to cast down nor destroy me. He doesn't view me as the unwanted failure, the backup person chosen only when all other options have been exhausted. No... His love for me is strong and pure. And for every pain I have felt, for every tear which I have shed, He has been right there with me... suffering the hurt with me, facing uncertainty by my side, shedding the tears with me... all while wrapping me up in His divine embrace. He did not wished for this pain to occur. They were not a part of His plan. Even though I see myself as worthless, His heart has still broken offer what I have felt. And it is not because I am some great significant person that He has ached for me. It is simply because He is my Father and I His child. Huh. It's been a while since I've viewed God as my loving Father. Lately, it has been more as my Lord, the person ruling over me and chastising me for not being something great. But the truth is He is Father, and He loves me.

I'm not sure where you might be right now nor what you might be going through. But let Nouwen's words echo in your heart too. God's heart aches when He sees His children going through pain and evil. He did not desire nor will this hurt to happen. Yet, His love can do nothing but allow it. But don't do as I have done. Don't forget His love and pull into the pain. Instead, fall into His embrace. Fall into the Father's love. The pain won't go away. That doesn't seem to be how it works. He will, though, surround you with His love and support you through these uncertain times. His love brings peace and joy. I lost sight of that for a wee bit. Don't you lose sight, though. Don't forget His love. The Father hasn't forgotten about you.

Thought of the Day

2010-06-01T19:35:00.000-07:00

I had a bit of a random conversation with someone today whilst I was out picking strawberries. He stopped and came out for a wee bit to chat and in the course of the conversation he ended up asking me what my plans were now that I've graduated. And I told him what I hope to see happen, such as getting something right now, such as an RD position or teaching English, so that I can pay off some debt and also be involved in some area that includes my passions. I then told him that my long term goal is to get school debt paid off so that I can look at going back to Europe, maybe around the UK, France, Spain, Italy, somewhere around western Europe, and working there. His comment after that kinda shook my outlook on these things. His reply was that it seemed like I was looking at getting away from here.

I'm not sure why, but that comment has stuck with me all day today. I suppose it is true. All of my options that I have been looking at involve leaving the area and leaving what I have grown up with. And in a way, I feel that I am okay with this. As I look at things right now, I have come to realize that it is time to move on. I have changed over the years and no longer fit the old roles that I once filled. While I love the people here and enjoy the things going on here, I find that it no longer is what drives me. As I look to my makeup and what really tugs at my heart, it involves heading out and working with people internationally, getting involved in teaching, discipleship and building relationships. These things are where my passions lie.

So, I suppose my friend was correct. I am looking at getting away from here. But I realized today that it's not because I hate it here (although at times there has been.... discontent and grief as I have seen that life here moved on and left me feeling in a limbo, unsure of where I fit or even what benefit I give, but that is a whole other topic...). There is no hate. There is a realization, though, that I need something to drive me in life, and it needs to come from tapping into those things which put that gleam in my eye. Now the question is finding that place where my passions are drawn out. That seems to be lacking as of late... I keep seeking some clarity from God in the midst of this fog which is my future but I'm still not seeing much. I hate to say it, since I keep hearing it and I get no comfort from it, but the only thing I have left to do is keep trusting in God. He's led me through uncertainty in the past, even when things seemed down and out. I need to keep believing that He's going to get me through this rough time of uncertainty too. He can do it. I just need to keep waiting on Him.

That was a random tangent, so I apologize. But that's what I get for reflecting on my friend's comment. My mind likes to take random paths. Anywho, I thought that was an interesting thought from today and I wanted to share.

Peace, dear friends.

Changes... Choices....

2010-05-19T11:49:00.001-07:00

I have now officially graduated. Huh, that's an odd thought. It's kind of weird to think of it having come and gone. This is especially true with the fact that I wasn't looking forward to graduation at all. I wouldn't say I wasn't looking forward to graduating, for I was. It was time to move on. I think the part I wasn't looking forward to was what graduation meant. It kind of held for me the culmination of a bunch of changes which have been happening; changes I wasn't exactly looking for nor wanting at all. Before I had these grand ideas of what life would hold after I graduated. I would have some sort of plan in life and preparing to embark on some grand adventure. Yet, as this past semester started to play out, I began to realize that this wasn't the case.

With the ending of my time here at school, I will also see a great change come upon many of my relationships which have grown here. I will no longer see these friends of mine on a daily basis. They will no longer be easily contacted. Many will simply stop communicating and seemingly cease to care about what occurs in my life. And that is a hard thought to swallow. After all of the time, energy and memories put into the relationships, it is hard for me to simply let them go. It feels like these changes are ripping them away. Along with this, I also began to realize that graduation would mean moving back home. Don't get me wrong. Home is a good thing. But in my eyes it consists of an old life, one which I no longer feel like I fit in. With no set plans on the horizon, I feel like I am heading back to an old life and will thus be crammed back into a role which I no longer hold. I have grown and matured since I was last home, and the people at home have moved on in their lives. I feel like I no longer have a place, yet I will be expected to be the same old Ben.

While this past semester and graduating are good things, they have also become hard changes to face. This past wee while has felt like one hard change after another, dishing out some thing which I did not choose nor want. No matter what I said or did, these changes have come. I saddened by how things have turned out, and I wish it were different, but I've also had a bit of a revelation for myself as of late. This idea keeps popping up in different places, such as conversations I've had with people. And I think it aptly applies to this current stage of life.

I cannot, it would seem, chose the changes which come about. That seems to be the case when dealing with other people. Each person makes their own choice, be it good or bad. I cannot make it different. I may not want it. I may not like it. But I can choose to accept it. The choice I can make is how I will deal with these changes. As life continues to move on, I can either become caught up in the loss of the familiar or I can strike out and search for the adventure I was hoping for. I can either allow the hurt of loss overwhelm me or I can learn to accept it, not embrace nor hide it. But I can accept the pain and loss and continue along my path. People may choose to separate and drop their communication with me, but I shall leave that up to them. As for my part, I will always be there. I cannot hope to stay the same, so I must chose to press on. And I don't know the future. I too easily allow the idea of not being in the same place to affect my outlook on relationships. (It might be because of past experiences... out of sight out of mind, you know) But if a person truly values the relationship, then it will last, no matter the space between. And that is an encouraging thought, especially as I prepare to pack up and leave my house and friends. I can hope that the relationships I've made over these past years won't fade... that they will actually prove to have been meaningful to more than myself...

As I face the future with uncertainty, I have come to realize something. I cannot always choose the circumstances I find myself in. But I can choose how I will face them. Too long have I allowed the idea of loss and pain to rule my feelings. I don't know what the future holds. And I'm coming to realize, once again, that is okay. God is in control. He is leading me onward, one step at a time. I must learn to trust His guidance. Most of the time I don't like it, but I will continue to trust. He has worked in amazing ways before, bring about things which I never thought would happen and growing hope where I thought there was none. So, with these things kept in mind, I will continue to push onward.

The changes have come. I have chosen. Now it's time for that adventure...

Prayer of the Heart

2010-05-07T06:20:00.001-07:00

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

-Philippians 4:4-9

Lord, I find this a challenge at times. I find it hard to display the joy and peace when things seem so chaotic and uncertain. I find it hard not to be anxious when I look ahead in life and the only light I see at the end of the tunnel is the light from the freight train called life chugging ahead at full speed toward me. I submit myself to You in prayer and if feels like no answer is coming. I ask for peace and I ask for assurance, but still You seem to remain silent. I want to crawl up in to arms, Father, and find myself at home, but I can't seem to even find Your arms.

Even though my heart has grown weak from the repeated disappointments, let downs, sorrow and pain, it hasn't quite given up. Admittedly, it certainly wants to, on a regular basis. Yet, I know that You are still present and working... or at least, my hope tells me that You are. Acceptance of this current state of affairs does not come easy. In fact, I am normally quite unsatisfied with the turns life has decided to take. But I trust that You do have... something in mind, something that You can use these circumstances for.

So, here's my heart, Father; broken, bleeding, and desolate as it is. I believe that You will move through these current circumstances and that You will somehow bring good. While I cannot see it at all, I know that You are moving and working. So, here am I. Take me as I am. And don't leave me the same.

Sacrifice

2010-04-29T06:25:00.000-07:00

In Genesis 22, there is an account of Abraham which I find interesting. Isaac was Abraham's son, the son of Sarah and heir to the promise from God. Abraham had placed all of his hopes, dreams, desires and faith in Isaac, this boy of promise. Born in his old age when it seemed impossible, Isaac was the evidence of God working in Abraham and fulfilling His promise to him. Yet, one day God up and asks Abraham to take Isaac and offer him up as a sacrifice. Although it does not mention it, I am almost sure that Abraham's human nature would be coming to the forefront here. Here was this boy in whom all of these hopes and dreams were wrapped up in and God was asking him to give him up. Abraham was asked to give up, to sacrifice his very hopes and dreams, all of his desires, to Him. There had to be a sense of "What the heck, God?! Why are you asking this of me? Why are you putting me in this position? Why are you, after giving me what I have so sought for, taking it away from me?" I'm almost positive these thoughts crossed Abraham's mind when he heard this request. Yet, even in this midst of this confusing request, he still packed up and set out with Isaac, preparing to give the boy over to Him.

Abraham placed his whole faith in God, trusting that He knew what He was doing in asking for such a thing. I'm sure during those few days of journeying out he kept thinking through these things, either hoping to hear God say that that was good enough and that He had something else in mind or that He had some miraculous way of working through this circumstance and still fulfilling His promise. Yet, no word was spoken to him. So he kept on traveling forward, staying faithful to what God had asked. Abraham remained faithful to the very end, even taking laying hold of the knife so that he could kill his son, his desire, his love, his hope and future. Abraham put God above and beyond his own hopes and dreams. He was willing to sacrifice them for His sake.

As some might know, the end of this account ends happily. God stops Abraham before he strikes and tells him that He is satisfied, that He sees he would not even hold back his own desires from Him. God was first and foremost in Abraham's life. While I do not have son nor do I have some outstanding promise made to me from above, I do feel at times that I am facing a similar call. This past semester, as has been observed, has been one of constant stripping away for me. My hopes, dreams, desires and plans for the future have been continually stripped away. At times I feel like everything I hope for is taken away from me. And I am left asking "Why, God?" Why does it seem like I cannot have anything that I want? Why does it seem like life continues to work out for every other person except me? Where is the peace towards life which I so desire? Things I hoped for have fallen away. Plans for the future have run to nothing. I am facing a future fully unknown within the next few weeks. But then I consider Abraham...

He was willing to hand all over to Him, finding his peace in the knowledge that God was in control and that He did have a plan, even if he was not privy to this plan. Even in the midst of what had to be mental and emotional anguish over the loss of what he held so dear, Abraham still handed Isaac over to God. I don't know what will come of these current situations. I find it difficult at times to even see how God could want to do anything with me. The light at the end of the tunnel is hard to see, especially in the midst of the confusion. I must ask myself, then, which is greater in my life. My desires and hopes or God? Which is it going to be? I know that my story may not play out like Abraham's, in the end reclaiming what I was willing to lose. Yet, I have faith that by surrendering my all, I will find peace. I must place my faith in Him. He will lead me to where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing with whom I need to be with. I cannot see it know. In fact, I can't even grasp how I can reach this place. But I have faith that there is such a place, and it can only be found in Him.

So, I surrender, Lord. I lay my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my plans... my very essence... once more at your feet as a sacrifice of love. Life sucks at times, right now, but I trust that You will guide me through these pains and unknowns. Here I am, Father, laid bare at Your feet. Take me and do what You will.

Reflections

2010-04-25T06:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday involved an enlightening experience for me. For one of my assignments for school, I am having to bring together different resources from these past four years of college to show that I have met the department goals set by the department. Well, one of the things which I decided to use where my journals. As you would expect, I had to read back through my entries so as to see if they contained anything I could use. Even though I quickly shifted through them, I was still struck by some of the things I had written.

My goodness, how I have grown and matured over these past few years. It amazes me to look back at some of the things I had written down. My outlook on life, my ability to observe and even my ability to critically think have all grown. Looking back, I can see many of my attributes being laid bare, and I can see how they were worked and refined with time. As I read, I began to realize a pattern in myself. There seemed to be a consistent relationship between two specific characteristics in myself. It appears that I am in a constant state of striving to be comfortable while always being changed.

The pattern seemed to consist of this. I reach a state in life where I am happy with things. Life is going well and I seem to be doing fine. My relationships with God and people are good. And then, something comes along which completely shifts this. Sometimes it is a sudden occurrence, taking place quickly. Other times it is a gradual process, taking place over a time. Either something comes along which challenges my perception of life and forces me to change or it is a gradual process, sometimes unseen, which slowly changes me. Either way, though, changes come. I cannot stop them, for they are a part of life.

As I see this pattern, I then realize that the pattern is once again occurring. So soonly I will be entering into the next chapter of life, ushered in by my graduation from college. And the scary thing is, I don't know what changes are taking place. I've seen my life ripped apart as each thing I have held to was taken away. This particular period of change has been one of the hardest to face. And I don't know where things are leading. Previously, I have almost always had some end goal in view, something which I could direct the changes towards. This time around, though, I see nothing. I have nothing in store for me, and I have nothing which I can ground myself in, knowing that this will come with the change. Life is simply changing, and I don't know why.

Stopping at this point, as I have been doing regularly, leaves me in a pretty bleak place. Life seems pretty miserable with everything I've held dear being stripped away. My journals have reminded me of an important part of this pattern of change. God has been and is always in control, and He has something which He is working this change towards. Even if I don't know what it is presently, I know that He is working. I may forget this fact, but that doesn't mean it is not true. Something will come of all these changes. There is something waiting for me after graduation.

Right now, though, I am left with one option in life. I need to loosen my grip on life. I have been wanting to hold on so closely to these things which have meant so much to me, these things which have become intertwined with my very life over these four years. I may not understand these changes. Shoot, right now most of them don't even make sense. And yes, this changing process is painful. I have realized, though, that I cannot lose my grip on the two things which will carry me through this time. Hope and faith. There is a future, and there is a plan. I must trust that it is so, even when I cannot see it. So, lead me on, Lord. Continue to guide me where You want.

Heart of Love

2010-04-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

So, as of right now, things have been a bit rough for me. As has been typical of this semester, life continues to follow along its normal path of being... unpleasant. Things continue to change, whether I'd like them to or not. It feels like this whole semester has been a consistent watching of my dreams and hopes slipping away. Everything I have hoped for or looked for to seems to be running away. And I'm left asking "Why?" Why does it seem like everything I hope for doesn't seem to be possible? Why can't I have what I wish for? Why does it seem like a continual stripping by God? I have felt at times that He doesn't want me to have what I hope for. I'm not worth of such things. He simply delights in keeping things at arm's length, letting me just reach and then pulling it out of reach once again. And I'll admit this has caused a great deal of frustration and questioning directed towards Him. Why does He continue to taunt me? Why does He not allow such things to be in my life? Why does He seem to drag me along this path He's set before me, never giving light to what lies ahead? Even now I feel like I'm stumbling in the dark, grasping for something to latch on to, some point in which to direct myself. Yet there's nothing. I don't know what He has in store for me. I don't even comprehend why He continues to hound me, drawing me forward and bringing all of these things into my life. What is the point of all of this? What is the reason for all of this pain? This confusion? This frustration? This disappointment? These... unknowns? I'm having a hard time seeing the love right now.

And yet, I have been reminded of who He is. When I allow my frustrations to die down and my emotions to be calmed, I once more remember the words He once spoke to me. He does love me and He does want me to have joy and peace. I am His son, and He is my loving Father. It's not that He's trying torment me, denying all that I desire and hope for. That is not the purpose in all of this. In fact, that is not why these situations have played out as they have. This is simply how things are. I can question all I want, seeking for answers which I may never have. But I am realizing that is not what is most productive. I have a hard time saying this, especially because I do not want to lose what I once had. But that is what change is... letting go of once was and moving forward to what lies ahead. Do I approve? Do I enjoy this? No. But do I accept it? ....... Yes. I know that He has been faithful before, bringing about good, even in the midst of pain. And I must believe that He is continuing to do so even now. I don't understand or comprehend. I cannot see what lies ahead. Right now, it all is blanketed by darkness. Yet God moves in the darkness, leading me on one step at a time. I'm reminded of Hebrews 11, where the author speaks of those pillars of faith. They did not see what laid ahead. In fact, many of them faced discouragement on constant basis. Yet, they did not falter in their faith towards the Father. They knew that He had given them His promise, and they knew that He was faithful in fulfilling His promises. And so they held on to the promise, placing their faith in His guidance. Even though they did not see the end, receive what they wished for or even knew what their next step was, they pressed on in light of their faith.

In these same ways, I must hold to those truths which I know. I know from past experience that God has been faithful to me, providing me what I needed when I needed it and even allowing me to experience joy and happiness. He has provided for me when I have needed it, even thought it hasn't always been in the way I expected. He has been my constant companion, present even when I feel utterly alone and abandoned. He has brought me through trials and difficulties. He has helped me to shoulder and conquer those burdens which have been placed on me. Even in my weakness He has chosen to partner with me. I have seen His glory shine out of the darkness. I have seen His hope continue even in the midst of adversity. I have been blessed to have friends come into my life when I have needed them, people who have truly loved and cared for me, standing by me even in my darkest hours. They have supported and encouraged me, pulling me forward when I have felt like collapsing under the weight my hopelessness and loneliness. I have never truly been alone, for I have always had someone there who allows me to open my heart to them. I have experienced love. And, above all, I have a Father who truly and deeply loves me, more than all others. He has made me, stitched me together and filled me with His Spirit, creating the unique person who is Ben. He has loved me for what I am, flawed and broken that I am. He continues to guide and lead me, helping me through these times when I have been broken and feel like giving up. He is faithful. And He loves me. I must never forget this.

There is always love.

Ramblings of a Ben

2010-04-07T07:57:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, trying to think about what to write out, I keep drawing a blank. I want to share my heart, to pour out what is going on in its inner recesses. Yet, I don't know how to draw forth from it. There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around right now, I many times feel like I'm simply drowning. What I find, though, is that in these times of not knowing what to say, it is best to simply start writing and let the words take me wherever they may. So, I shall do just that.

This season of life right now seems to be one of reoccurring pain, hurt and uncertainty. Much of this comes from the fact that I, last semester, started to do some planning. I began to shape in my mind what this coming final semester at university would look like. I had this ideal image of how everything would play out. That, I realize, was a foolish thing to do. It would seem that whenever I start to figure out how something will play out, life simply takes a completely different turn. Decisions are made, actions taken and feelings experienced which alter the course life is on. Upon arriving back at school, I quickly discovered that this was the case. As the semester has played out, I have been continually reminded with how foolish it was for me to get my hopes up. Life here has been much much different than expected, and I have had difficulty adapting. What has been filling my heart as of late has simply been the pains of loss, of regret, of doubts, of failures...

And now, with around 5 weeks left in the semester, I find myself in no better a situation. I have as of yet no future plans for life. I certainly have hopes, and I am pursuing these ideas. But nothing has been laid for certain. And I am simply looking at life right now, and it does seem rather bleak. What awaits me after graduation? What grand thing will I be doing with my life? Will I actually make any difference in someone's life? Right now, I see no difference that I can make. Many times I simply feel that I could back away from people and it would make no difference. To say the least, feelings of worth are as of right now somewhat low. I suppose that simply comes from having ones ideas dashed upon the rocks of reality and then finding yourself struggling to once again looking for something to shoot for.

Life has been thrown into chaos for me. I don't know where I am going, simply being tossed about by the waves of the sea. But, in the midst of this, I keep trying to take a hold of the one solid thing in my life. Constantly I am told that God is for me, that He is my rock and my strength. I know this. It is so hard, though, to put it into practice. When things look bleak and there's nothing to shoot for, God's light can be hard to spot. But it is there. I keep catching glimpses of it. So, I simply cry out to Him. I cry for Him to be my strength when I have none. I cry for Him to be my joy when I have none. I cry for Him to continue drawing me forward and into what the future holds when I would rather curl up and admit defeat. I cry out to Him in my desperation. And then... I wait. I wait upon Him. I echo David's psalm when he said "Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me; O Lord, be my helper." There is still joy. There is still hope. There is still love. It has simply been... tougher to draw out right now. Just as the seasons pass, so too will this pass. He is faithful, and He remains faithful even when I am not.

The Goodness of Friday

2010-04-02T19:19:00.000-07:00

Today is, as many might already know, Good Friday. I find this title somewhat ironic. It's called good, but in reality there wasn't much goodness taking place on the day this holiday represents. Humanity's sin took a shot at the blameless Lord... and what a shot it took. Beaten, mocked, abandoned by His closest friends, struck down and even being forsaken by the Father. What a completely desolate state He had to have found Himself in during this day. Sorrow and blood flowing mingled down like a river...

And to top this all off, my own fists are counted in the blows being dished out. True, I wasn't there and I didn't physically throw a single blow. Yet, my sin was present and accounted for on that tree. Jesus took the full weight of my sin upon Himself, taking it all the way to the cross. And to top this all off, I still continue to sin. I am slapping Christ full across the face with my actions. With this in mind, what goodness is there in Friday? Why would we want to remember such a low point in human history, the day we crucified our Lord and Saviour?

The answer comes in what today stands for, and for the accompanying Sunday. By taking the cross, Jesus has paid the ultimate price for me. He paid the debt which I could never even come close to paying off. My actions and shortcomings had separated me from God. Yet, the shedding off His blood has completely wiped my slate clean. God incarnate, the only begotten Son, took my punishment. Now I can approach God and enter into His presence fully. I can have a true relationship with the Father because Christ took my punishment. And not only did He take the punishment, but the grave couldn't hold Him! How amazing is that! Death itself has been conquered! It no longer has a hold over me. If that is not good, then I don't know what is. Shoot, I don't know if good does it enough justice...

These past few months have been, to put it simply, rough for me. I have had to do a lot of soul searching. I've been dragged into doing a lot of looking within myself, and I haven't exactly been thrilled by what I've found. I have encountered full on the darkness within my own soul. At times, I have felt like there hasn't been much of a light within me. I saw myself as worthless and pathetic. Yet, when all else seemed to fall away, there was still a light simmering in the darkness. At times it was nothing more than a slight glimmer at the corner of my eye. No matter how much it tried, though, the darkness could not extinguish the light. This light has been the hope, love and acceptance found in Christ. I have this hope because of what happened on this day.

His sacrifice has given me new life. He has rescued me from myself... and I praise Him with all my heart for this. He is my risen Lord and Saviour. With this in mind, how can I call this Friday anything but "good"? It truly is a Friday of Goodness.

Taking Out the Rubbish

2010-03-20T06:42:00.000-07:00

Well, this week has been one of... ahh.... intense emotion. But, that seems to be the norm for me right now. Life goes up and down, bringing joys and sorrows. If you've have even scanned the past few posts, then you know this. Looking ahead and at my present situation, it simply seems like I'm cruising, unsure of where to go next and what I am doing that could be counted worthwhile. But this is not what I am wanting to share at this time. Instead, I want to share a reminder that I received this week.

This reminder concerns how big God and how mighty God truly is. This week brought with it a lot of self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness and many, many questions concerning myself. It was, to put it simply, quite dark. Yet, in the midst of that darkness, God was there. And He was working in and through all of that. I know that these thoughts were not of God. Yet, He was able to work through them. And how He worked was truly beautiful. I don't know about you, but my first reaction when I see a problem is to try and fix it. As people share something with me, I'm only half listening at times. While they talk, I am forming a responses and searching for a way to insert my opinion on the matter. The idea is that if my thoughts can simply be shared, then the problem can be fixed. True, outside insight into a situation can be beneficial, but sometimes it is not what is needed.

This week God took a different approach. He simply let me rage. He let the thoughts roll, the questions come, the doubts swirl and the tears of flow. He allowed all that was inside of me to come forth into the open. I threw it all at Him. And through it all, He remained unshaken. He easily withstood the onslaught of my emotions. By simply standing, listening and taking it all on Him, He was able to draw out the bile which had been festering. After I had exhausted myself, He asked "Are you done?" From there, He took the next step. And the best way to put this next step would simply be to describe it as an embrace. True, that is a weak way to describe it. But that's the best way I can put it into words. He didn't really correct any of my thoughts. he didn't answer my questions. Instead He gave me His comforting Spirit and His peace. Yes, things aren't pleasant right now. Yes, I don't know what's going on. Yes, it can be hard to see the joy and hope of life at times. But no matter what comes, it is still there. He is still in control and He does not leave. Unlike people, He does not change.

Looking at what I've written, I have to be honest about this. I wasn't sure where I was going with all of this. Reading back through what was written, I want to share what I have learned with you. Remember that God is in control. He is sovereign. And He is so much bigger than anything you could possibly face. Even in the bleakest darkness, He is still present and working. Don't be afraid to doubt or question. Throw your worst at Him. He can take it. I, for one, am glad I follow a God who can take my crap.

God of Sorrows, God of Joy

2010-03-11T17:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I find myself having days such as today. The gloom settles in and I find myself desperate for some sign of significance in my life. What worth do I really contribute? What is my significance? It seems to me like all I have to offer is trivial. Life only brings weariness and gloom. It is hard to press on. Life in general seems to continue plodding along. And i find sorrow after sorrow coming my way. Constant change, losing of relationships, doubts of myself and my abilities, doubts of my significance. To some it up, life becomes synonymous grief.

Yet, I am finding that it is this grief which enriches life. In the midst of this depression, in the midst of this abandonment, in the midst of this night of doubt in myself and my significance in life, there is a richness which is expressed. It is hard, oh so hard, to see while in the midst of this time. But, as I step back and survey what is going on, I can see where God is working. These times must come. They are simply a part of life. No, there are not directly from God. But He does allow them. He allows these times to enter into my life so as to refine me. These times are the major times of growth. They are the times when I am completely broken down to my very foundation. My life and my perception of what is going on around me completely changes. Only by allowing me to have my very core broken down can God then come back in and rebuild.

This has become my hope. Right now, I only see the grief, sorrow, desperation, abandonment and loneliness. I question what has happened. I ask why this is happening to me. What brought about these crappy events? And I also find myself asking why He refuses to give up on me. Why, when I see nothing worthwhile in myself, is He still persistent in pursuing me? There's nothing good that I have to offer as far as I am concerned. I self-absorbed, concerned with my own feelings, desires and comfort. I see no reasonable way that I can positively affect those that encounter me. I only see the bad taste which I must leave in their mouth. But still He seems convinced that there is some good in me that I have to offer.

He keeps after me. He continues to find these little ways to stretch and grow me. He still reveals to me that He is present. He's never given up and He continues to teach me. I can't understand why. I have no clue why, when all seems hopeless, He still steps in and reminds me that there is hope. I've simply become too distracted to see it. And I suppose that is the lesson I am gaining from this time in my life. There is always hope. That cannot fully die. The hope will always live on. His sovereignty has never diminished. He is just as in control of things as when I first started on my journey with Him. He can take all of my anger, frustration, sorrow, grief and crying out in pain. He is big enough to handle it. I need reminded, just as Job needed, that He is much bigger than I sometimes think Him to be. And He is on my side. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I feel like and am going through, He is still in control, He is still fighting for me and He will continue to lead me along this path I call life. As these times pass, joy will come again. These times of sorrow simply work to make those times of joy oh so much sweeter. Without these two contrasts, life would be bland. Sure, it's not fun at the time. Shoot, it's not even fun when the time has passed. But it is what makes life so full. God is the God of both sorrow and joy. He has created both seasons, and He is within both seasons. He just has to be sought. But He is there.

Winter's Chill

2010-02-10T08:35:00.000-08:00

Our lives have been compared many times with the seasons of the year. We will at times experience growth, renewal and fresh starts, much akin to spring. Other times, we are nicely cruising. Everything is going well and life seems joyous, much like those times of summer warmth and sun. And then there are those times of winter. The times of cold and standstill. Life outside has come to a halt, entering into an almost state of death. Things come to an end and life almost seems bleak with the color and joy seeming to be drained from the world around us.

Right now I feel like I have entered into a major time of winter in my life. Since about... mid-November I'd say... I have been getting hit by one thing after another. Granted, some are bigger issues than others. Yet, each one has simply worked to build up the stack already sitting on my heart. I've had major stretching occur in my own life, working to challenge and bring to light many of my habits and attributes which aren't honorable. I've had hopes and dreams which I was looking forward to come crashing down around me. I've found myself unsure of what the future holds. This is especially nerve-wracking when I look and see graduation looming so near. I've come to experience a sense of being homeless over these past few months. Having jumped locations frequently, I haven't had time to put down any significant roots. The moment I start to get settled in I'm picked up and replanting elsewhere. This has simply led to the feeling of not being home anywhere. Nothing seems familiar any more. Even being back at uni has been bittersweet. I was so looking forward to getting back here and settling back in with college life. Yet, things have changed. Or, better put, I have changed. I realize that I am no longer a college student. I enjoy the classes, but my mindset has shifted. I find myself unsure of where I fit in any more. Among all of these things, I find myself encountering regularly low-confidence, doubts, fear, worry, anxiety, loneliness, worthlessness, abandonment and a lack of direction, among other things. I feel like I've hit a snowdrift and have gotten stuck there in the ditch. I'm stuck, and I see no way out.

When one looks at the winter time, it can look bleak. Yet there is also an incredible amount of beauty which can be seen during this season. There are so many things which whisper of the Creator's touch when one takes the time to listen. The gentle falling of the snow among the forest's trees. The reflection of the sun through the icicles hanging from the roof. And there is even grown a deeper appreciation for the coming of spring. Without the contrast of the one, the other could not be fully realized for what it brings.

This time of winter in my own life works in this same way. Although things seem bleak and hopeless, with dreams and ideas seemingly crashing around me, I find that God is still whispering through the midst of all of this. He has not abandoned me. He is still very real and present. These are times of growth. It seems so cliche to simply say that, but I find that it is very true. God brings us to and through these times, not to leave us desperate and in pain but to teach us, stretch us and draw us closer to Himself. During the good times, it becomes easy to simply rely on my own strength to make do. Why not? Everything is going great so I might as well just keep doing what I'm doing. But that's not how it should be. I'm called to depend on Him fully and completely. But as long as I think I'm doing great, why would I change? These times work to call me back to dependence on Him. In my weakness, He is made strong. This time of life is a time of death for those things in me which need to pass away.

Only then will my heart be ready for the new growth which will come in the thawing of spring. Then, the loneliness, the worthlessness, the loss of hope and dreams, the essence of being homeless will pass away. Instead, I will know community, true worth, a resurgence of of a mind to dream and hope for the future and the the finding of a place I can call home. This time has yet to come though. I'm still in the midst of winter. I'm still bundled up against the chill of life. But I have His warm embrace to fight the chill. He is the one which I need to depend on now.

Spirit of Poverty

2010-02-08T19:14:00.000-08:00

So, in my own personal reading, I decided to take up a specific focus. I wanted to work through Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, specifically concentrating on the Beatitudes. I want to take time to reflect on each one in turn, digging in deeper and using different commentaries to get some further info on what is being taught here.

The first one, for those wondering, is "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

One of the first things I have come to learn about the Beatitudes is that these are not attitudes or actions which a person may perform like a checklist; once the action or state has been reached, then it can be ticked off. What Jesus was teaching is that these are things which should naturally come out of our walk with Him. We should already be living in a spirit of poverty. Following Him means we become poor in spirit.

What exactly is meant by poor in spirit, though? As I read, I have come to learn that the poverty spoken of here is not someone who is tightly pressed for finances, nor is it someone who has chosen to give up a few things for the sake of another. No, the poverty spoken of by Jesus is an absolute poverty. The person has had no choice in the matter. They have found themselves fully and completely left in absolute poverty. They are fully dependent on others for their very survival. And we as Christians have been called to such a spiritual life of this poverty. We are to be utterly wrecked, realizing that on our own we can do and achieve nothing for we have nothing. We are desolate. We are humbled. And we are dependent on God. He is the source of our very livelihood. When we are poor in spirit, we come to realize that we have to fully and completely depend on God in all aspects of our spiritual life. He is the one guiding and leading it. We bring nothing to the table. Instead, it is all Him.

Man, reading this, I once again realize just how clingy I am. I keep wanting to hold on to my rubbish spirituality. I keep thinking I have something worthwhile to bring to the table. Yet, I don't. I have nothing. I need to let go of the filth I still hold on to. I need to reach out to Him, the Great Provider. He is the ultimate source. I seem to forget this so easily. I get so caught up in my little world of worries and desires. This false wealth needs to be let go of. Even more so I need to get rid of this false poverty. I keep thinking I am poor, having handed it all over to God. Yet, I still have that little bit of fool's gold which I'm holding on to, just in case. That's not true poverty. True poverty is having nothing and being fully and utterly dependent on Him.

Now, I said these are not little lists which I can follow to be a better boy. They are lifestyles which flow out of relationship with my Savior. Draw me closer to You, Lord. Help me to learn to be completely reliant and dependent on You.

Make this my prayer.

Running Nowhere

2010-01-28T15:38:00.001-08:00

I find myself in a strange place right now. Having come back from my internship which lasted these past 7 months, I now find myself re-entering into the world of a student. Once more I am going to class and sitting for an hour or so at a time. A year ago, I was okay with this pattern of life. I could handle simply going to class and then hanging around the dorms for the rest of the day. This time around, though, I find myself growing anxious about a great many things.

I just returned from engaging and entering into the world of young people. Almost every day of the week I was at the youth project and working with the young people. I was giving of myself on an almost daily basis. That was my day. And I'll be honest... there I felt I had a purpose. But now, being back on campus, I'm not sure what my purpose in life is. I'm going to class. I come back to the house. I have fun being with my mates again. But what difference am I making? What worthwhile thing am I doing with my time here? And as these thoughts continue to fester around in my mind, it just adds to the bit of... bleak feeling I've had for the past wee while now.

I don't know where I'm going. I feel like I've been blindfolded and I'm just stumbling along through life. I have no clear direction in which to proceed. Add to that the fact that I somewhat feel like life has taken a major dump on me lately. It's just been several disappointments and unexpected let downs which add up to this current feeling. I find myself standing here, arms lifted up and crying, "What now, God?" I'm having a hard time seeing where exactly He is leading me right now. What I was hoping for isn't exactly coming to fruition, but I suppose I should almost expect that by this time in life. Things don't always work out like I may have planned for them.

But it's then at this point of time that I have to check myself. It can become so easy for me to fall into this pattern of feeling sorry for myself. God has been taking care of me up to now. And He is going to continue to take care of me and lead me to where I should be. I just have to trust and continue to give myself over to Him. Yes, this may mean that my schedule, plans, hopes and dreams must be sacrificed. I need to accept this. As I have learned so well this past 7 months, God likes to work in unexpected ways.

So, I guess that is where I find myself right now. I'm waiting. I'm in stasis for the next few months. During this time, I need to engage with where I am at now. This is a time for learning. There is still some stretching and growing which needs to take place. But there is some work which still needs done; some refining by fire, if you will. I'm not really looking forward to this, that's for sure. Being worked over in the fire isn't exactly my idea of a thrilling time. Yet, this is where I find me. I know that tomorrow will come and that God will continue to lead me on. I simply need to rely on His guiding light. So, yeah... although I feel like I'm stuck on a treadmill, I'm going to keep on chugging forward. It's time to pick up my feet and keep running the path set before me.

As Rafiki said...

2010-01-14T06:59:00.000-08:00

Well, the it appears that my journey has finally come full circle. As I sit here in the flat on this gray, rainy day in Scotland, I begin to think about tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day I am heading back to the States. My internship here has run it's course and now is the time for me to move on to the next chapter in my life.

For a while, I have had a fair amount of grief with the fact that I am leaving. I have learned so much being here. I have grown more confident in myself and my abilities. I have pushed myself to become more assertive and to not shy away from conflict. I have had my mind expanded in regards to youth work. I have learned new theories and ideas concerning effective youth work. And I have had my nice, little perceptions of God completely blown out of the water. He has once more proven to me just how big and in control He truly is. He has worked in so many ways here, growing and pushing me beyond where I had settled down. He's placed me in situations which have made me look at myself and what I believe and realize just how absurd I was to think that. Yet, He has also constantly reminded me just how much He loves. He has shown so much grace, acceptance and comfort through the young people I have encountered here. Having gone through all of these things here in Dundee makes me sad to leave. I have developed such good relationships with people here. I have made a home here.

As I think about leaving, though, the words of the wise baboon from my youth echoes through my ears. We all remember that blue-bottomed fountain of guidance from our past. There's a certain quote from Rafiki which simply seems appropriate at this time. Rafiki, when explaining Simba's departure to the others, used 3 simple words which certainly resonate with me at this time. I feel they work well in my own situation. These words are simply this. "It is time."

It is time for me to journey on to the next chapter of my life. No, I don't fully know what the future is going to hold. But I know I need to press on. The growth and learning which the time here was for has happened. I've made steps forward in becoming the man God wants me to be. I can look back at see those instances in which I have grown. But it is time to move on to what He has in store next. I can't stay here. I need to allow myself to continue to be stretched and moved further along in my growth. So, with that in mind, I not only set off tomorrow on my flights, but I also set out on the next leg of this journey called life.

With that in mind, I want to thank you all for being a part of this experience with me. It has been good to share my thoughts and processing with you through this blog. Yeah, it wasn't exactly the most regularly update thing, but I was able to share bits and pieces with you. And I thank you for your support. Even though my time on PRIME is over, I do still plan on trying to update my blog in some sort of regular fashion. I'd like to continue to share my insights, thoughts and processing from life with you all. I won't be sending out notices for when I update, but if you check back regularly, hopefully you'll find something. And if not, just yell at me and I'll try and do some writing.

Cheers, all!

Hi, I'm a Hermit Crab

2010-01-07T02:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how many of you have ever made it to the beach. If you have had this amazing experience, then you may have noticed a little creature crawling along the beach. This little guy is the hermit crab. I find these guys fascinating. They crawl along the beach, going about their merry little way, content with the shell which they are lugging around. Yet, for such a little creature, the world can be a scary place. There's so much out there waiting to hurt or even eat them. And they know it. If you've ever come upon a hermit crab, you'll find that any outside disturbance of their environment will result in them pulling back and hiding in their shell. They don't want to get hurt, and thus pull away from any change. They are most comfortable with the norm.

In many ways, I find myself with a very similar attitude as the hermit crab. I don't like change, especially when I'm not the one choosing to bring it about. I like settling into a routine and seeking to keep things the same. When the status quo is kept, then I can relax and become comfortable. I don't have to reach out into others lives. I don't have to embrace the pain which is life. As long as I can live like a hermit crab, alone and safe in my shell, then I don't have to worry about getting hurt.

As I've have learned throughout my past 6 months here in Scotland, though, the life of a hermit crab is not a fulfilling one. Yes, I won't have any heart ache or mental anguish. But it's through these experiences that God steps in and causes growth. Changes are hard to face when they start stirring up the world around me. Yet, when we lean on God and embrace the growing pains around me, then I can fully appreciate the joys I experience too. Life isn't always pain and hurt. It is also full of hope and joy.

At times I forget this little fact. Yet, He gently reminds me that I need to let go, to allow myself to give over my futile grip on the things around me so that He can once more move and work. As I sit here this morning, writing this blog out, I find myself at another one of these moments where I have to decide to either let go and fall into His arms or scurry back into my little shell and hide. I've got about a week left here in Scotland. Soon I'll be journeying back to the States to finish off my last semester, then I'll be graduating and entering the "real world". Add on top of that the pain I encounter with the young people here and my own personal issues and I see a lot of things I could easily pull away from, so as to save myself heartache. It's easier to duck away rather than face head on the suffering around me.

But that's not what I'm called to. I'm not called to be a hermit crab. Instead, I'm called to be God's hands and feet in a world crying out for hope and acceptance. I can't allow myself to become wrapped up in my own security issues. Instead, I need to embrace the pain in my heart, hand my anxiety over to Him and then allow myself to be carried away by the wave of change as it crashes on top of me. Yes, it can be frightening. But, in His hands, I think I can find peace.

In the Way of Sesame Street

2009-12-21T05:40:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't realized this little fact, it is December. In fact, we are more than half way through December. For many of you, this little fact brings to mind that Christmas is just around the corner. As for myself, yes, this is a thought which is on my mind. Especially when I think about how different Christmas will be for me this year, being still out on PRIME and away from my family. But the thought that is really sitting on my mind when I think about the date is that my time here is so quickly running down. I have now entered into my final month here in Dundee.

It's weird for me to think about this little fact. I have really settled into my role here, living in Dundee and being capable of taking care of myself. Soon, though, my life will once more shifting. I will be packing up and preparing to enter back into the world of the U.S. This is a bit of an intimidating thought. I've been gone for a whole month. Lives have moved on since I was last there, as has mine. I've encountered situations and issues beyond what I had experienced previously. And I've grown from these encounters. I'm not the same as when I first set foot in Dundee. And life back home won't be the same either.

Life doesn't seem to like to stay stagnant for very long. Upon my return, I'm heading back to school. Then, in five months or so, I'll be entering into a whole new chapter of my life. This little thing called graduation is quickly approaching. After that, I will no longer have school in the fall to look forward to. With this in mind, I find myself quite intimidated by what is to come. It's like a big fog which my vision can't penetrate.

See, my life seems to have taken on the method of Sesame Street. Remember how each episode would be brought to you by a specific number and letter? They were the theme for the whole episode, being brought up at every possible moment by the characters until it was ingrained in your small impressionable mind. Well, I feel that my life has taken on a similar style of learning. Instead of a letter or number, I seem to have a word. And this word is: change.

Everywhere I look, I see change taking place. My thoughts, my opinions, my experiences, my relationships, my plans, my hopes, my dreams... most everything seems to keep getting touched by change. And with this change comes growth. Every experience works to better create me into the man that I need to be. Thing is... I have a hard time of seeing that end destination. I have no clue where God is taking me or what He's preparing me for. I kind of feel like I'm just along for the ride. And my jerk reaction is to get uptight, fearful and try to take back control. But, when I actually take time to think, I realize that's the worst thing I could be doing. God is in control. He's guided me this far and He's placed me in locations where I have learned so much and have developed beyond what I thought possible. Yeah, things have been painful at times. Yeah, sometimes life does suck. But, when it all boils down, each thing which has come my way has simply been the next step forward for me.

With this in mind, I have but one choice. I need to let go and lay all that I have; all my hopes, dreams, desires, anxiety, fears, at His feet. When I let go and trust Him, putting my faith in the promise that He will continue to guide me along through my life, I can find peace. And I can face that mysterious unknown hovering up ahead. I don't know what is in store. I can hope, but I don't know. I simply have to wait on Him and pursue with all my strength the roles He places before me.

who do you say i am?

2009-12-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

In my ponderings these past few days, I have had this specific passage sticking out in my mind. It’s Mark 8:27-30, where Jesus is walking with the disciples and He begins to question them. He looks to them and asks, “Who do the people say that I am?” The disciples all then begin to pitch in names, calling off the top answers they’ve heard from all of the different people they’ve met on their journey. Oh, some say you’re one of the old greats, come back to us. You’re one of the prophets, here to help bring us back on track. And then, I just picture Him nodding His head, pausing... and then looking directly at them and saying, “But who do you say that I am?” And then there’s a long pause. The disciples suddenly find themselves rolling around in their minds all of these different names and roles they’ve attributed to Jesus. And they are stumped. Who is this man before them? And then, nervously, Peter speaks up and says, “You are the Christ.”

Right now I find myself facing this same question. Over the few short years and experiences which create the story of my life, I have encountered many different descriptions and roles of this man named Jesus. It seems that in these many centuries since He walked the earth, Jesus has had many different people try to say who He is. The list seems to go on and on. Savior. Redeemer. Lover. Friend. Unifier. Divider. Willful Giver. Jealous Keeper. A Middle-Eastern Man from Nazareth. A Man Who Goes Beyond Culture. Simple. Complex. Peace and Tranquility. Disturber of the Peace. Gentle Father. Harsh Judge. Rule Maker. Rule Breaker. Friend of the Poor. The list, I’ve found, goes on and on. I find I can easily answer His first question. Every generation has seemed to come up with an explanation of who He is.

But I find myself in that same position with the second question. He’s looked me directly in the eyes and has asked, “But who do you say that I am?” And I find myself at a loss of words. Who do I say He is……………..

I want to call off all of these different roles and adjectives which I feel describe Him. But, as they appear on my lips, I find these words somewhat inadequate. I feel like I’m… boxing Him up. I’m forcing Jesus into the role that I’ve allotted for Him. But is that who I want to say He is? For some reason, it just seems so…. insignificant. He is so much more than what I think. He’s more than my Savior. He’s more than Lord. He’s more than peace, love, justice, disturber of the peace or even a man from Nazareth. I’m finding the only appropriate response I can think of is the same as Peter.

He is the Christ.

I don’t fully grasp this. I doubt during the short story which is my existence I will ever fully grasp the significance to this statement. There’s so much to it. But what I have learned, and what I hope to share with you, is that I need to throw off my preconceptions of who He is. I cannot allow Him to become weighed down and defined by the different definitions conjured up by someone else. Like Peter, I need to allow God to be the one to reveal who His Son truly is. I need to let God shatter my boxes and instead let Him show me who He is.

The question’s been asked. “But who do you say that I am?”

Stars

2009-11-27T16:03:00.000-08:00

During this time of year, it becomes a very traditional past time to spend time with those you love. These people can be your family, friends, significant others. The point is, this is a time when you connect with them and share that binding love which you share. You may have not seen them for the past few months, but as the weather begins to get colder and the sunlight a bit less each day, there's this sense in the air that the holidays are coming. No matter where your stance is about this time of the year, it is hard to deny the fact that there are distinct feelings which arise from the depths of our hearts, much like the proverbial Christmas lights from the depths of the attic.

One of the things which has struck me, though, is how I am not going to have that this year. It's quite hard to saunter on over to see my family or friends when there is a sizable puddle to jump in the process. And that is when it really sinks in. I'm far away, disconnected from that which I have grown up with and called home. At times, I feel like all of those things which I have grown to take as the norm are a world away. I'm simply far removed and disconnected. This is especially true with Thanksgiving past and Christmas to come. These holidays, which are times of gathering to see family, are going to be spent quite different than normal for me.

Yet, on a nice brisk evening walk I took tonight, I discovered something. Yes, I am in a different world, if you will. I'm almost half a world away from the fields of Indiana. I'm in a culture that is different from my previous experiences. There are so many new and wonderful things for me to experience and learn. And I am learning that home is not so far away.
Looking up into the clear, black sky, I saw these twinkling lights off in the distance. We see them regularly throughout our lives, shining away throughout the night. They have become such a commonplace thing that many times they can be overlooked. But I realized something. As I looked up, gazing at the stars in the sky, I began to pick out the constellations that I knew. And it dawned on me... these are the exact same stars that I saw back home. And for most of you, as you step outside at night and gaze upward, you will see those same twinkling lights. And that's a comforting thought. Yes, we may seem worlds apart. This holiday season, you may be finding yourself in the same circumstances as myself, spending it away from that which you see as normal. Yet, we really are not that far apart. And every place we find ourselves journeying through is just another extent of our family. God has made us each unique, each creating our own piece of music through our traditions and cultures. When they come together, though, a great symphony can be heard.

So, I realized, on my nice peaceful walk home tonight, that home, just like the stars, can be seen everywhere. No matter our circumstances or life conditions right now, home is where you make it. Feel encouraged, knowing that when you are thought of and missed, then you are there in that place in spirit. And when you start to feel alone in this world, take time to gaze up at those stars shining all around and realize, we are all within a mile of home.

Entering the Final Lap

2009-11-16T15:04:00.000-08:00

Well, all... first off I apologize for the delay between writings. I seemed to have gotten a bit distracted as of late and haven't taken the time to sit down and write. Oops.

Things here are proceeding very nicely. It's been really amazing to see how the relationships I've been working at have grown and developed into what they are now. I now feel that the young people are open to me and willing to talk, which is really amazing. Looking ahead, I'm going to be really sad to go and leave these relationships.

Which kind of brings up the thing which has been on my heart as of late. It has really set in that I have reached my two months left here. My time right now in Dundee is drawing to a close. And this time will be going so fast. I have the rest of November, the first few weeks in December and then some time for the holidays will arrive. During that time, my family will be coming for a visit. Yes, that is right... Waterman family reunion here in Scotland. But right after they leave I will have to start preparing myself to leave. And that seems to create a rather odd mix of feelings in myself. I am very much so missing home, but I am also sad to see my time here draw to a close. With that, my mind has already started to wander down the path of preparing to head home and what all that will entail. Although there is some planning which will need done, I still cannot allow myself to dwell there. I must remain fully and completely immersed in what I am doing here.

I suppose this is a lesson in what it means to make sacrifices. Yes, I would love to be home, with my family and my friends right now. But that is not possible. And I need to accept that. For the time being I am here. And I am seeing amazing things taking place in my time here. I have had so many different lessons over these past few months. I've had numerous relationships built up. I have seen so many amazing things in my time here. And I still have 2 months left. That is incredibly exciting for me. There is still so much potential for what can happen here. So, I suppose my lesson at this time is not to dwell on what I am missing. Instead, I need to focus on what it is I am getting to experience. That's the big difference in how I feel, huh? God has placed me here for the time being. I can only continue to give myself over to Him and let Him lead as He wills. Soon enough I will be home again. For the time being, though, I will be making my home here in Dundee.

Step Up and Step Out

2009-10-26T07:42:00.000-07:00

Man, as I sit here I realize that things sure are flying by swiftly. If feels just like yesterday that I was starting October. Now here I am getting ready to finish the month off. But it's been a good month. Things have been going well at Hot Chocolate. I'm really starting to mesh in with the young people there. This past weekend we had the Weekend Away, where we went up north into the absolutely stunning countryside of Scotland and spent some time with some of the young people. It was a really really good weekend where a lot of growth and relationship building seemed to take place. Now I am back in good ole D-town.

The past few weeks have been filled with much growth in my own personal character. I've had a chance to really stand back at myself and look at who I am. And I've really come to pick up on a trait that I feel like needed some work. This attribute was confidence. Having taken the time to look at myself, I've come to realize that I am not the most confident of people. I allow myself to give in and let things pass because I don't want to damage a relationship or risk confrontation. I know... not the best way to handle things, but it was something that I found to exist in myself.

Realizing this, I have worked to grow my level of confidence in myself and my abilities. And I've come to learn something. Confidence is a key component in leadership. How can people have faith in and follow you if you can't even have faith in yourself? Granted some of us are leaders right now, while others find themselves in less prominent positions of leaderships. This might cause some of you to think, "Good idea, but it's not something I need to hear or develop." But my challenge to you is to grow as I am growing. Confidence goes beyond just positions of leadership. We need to have faith in ourselves. Even when we preform the most rudimentary tasks, we need to have confidence in our own abilities. Having this confidence can make all the difference between standing up and living life to the full and sitting by and letting the world pass you by.

Christ has called us to life. I believe this life includes stepping out and really living it, experiencing all the wonder and beauty He has placed around us. I don't mean to be coming across here as "go out and live life to the full... eat, drink and be merry" type of way. What I mean to say is we have been called to life. Unless we are confident in ourselves, we will end up sitting back and letting life pass us by simply because we don't have the confidence in ourselves to step out and live. We must be willing to tread the path less traveled. We must be confident that no matter if we fail or soar, we will strike out and try new things. We must be willing to sacrifice that thing called pride in order to meet those in need around us. These are lessons that I am most assuredly still learning. But as I learn and grow in my confidence, I am learning that it does indeed lead to a much more fulfilling life. So, try it out for yourself. Fear not in failure or awkwardness. As I've learned from a girl I work with, if you don't overcome your fears and just do it, then you're going to look back and regret it for the rest of your life.

So, step out my friends. Encounter the world. And be confident in yourself. I believe in you.

The Simple Pleasures...

2009-10-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

So, I've come to realize something recently. Life can be really complicated. There can be so much junk going on that your mind just gets clogged, your energy is zapped and life just seems to keep trudging on at an even pace. Mind you, I haven't yet reached the stage of trudging through life, but I will admit that things have been giving me lots to think about. This past week has been crazy with stuff happening, both at Hot Chocolate and just personally. And I realized something. I've allowed that spark of joy inside of me to fade just a wee bit. And if that spark completely goes out, well... I guess I'm just trudging along through life then, eh?

How did I come to realize this? Well, it's odd, but I'd have to say I didn't realize it was gone until I had it back. And how did I find my joy again? Well, it's kinda weird, but it fits me I suppose. It's been rediscovered through the joy of simple things. I find that many times I make life so stinkin complicated. I just start to think way too much about things, and thus start to worry and become cynical. And please, don't get me wrong, thinking and processing thoughts is great and necessary. That's not what I'm saying. My problem was I have been starting to tense up and worry about my performance here. And that was leading to just worrying about stuff all the time.

But this past Monday reminded me... it's good to forget about that stress and worry and simply remember the things that make you smile. And a lot of those smiles came through thinking of the simple childhood like things. Things that strip away the walls and barriers I've set up and just cut straight to that innocent core inside. I realized that many times I don't want to let my guard down because someone might see who I really am. What if they think I'm incapable of whatever or they think I'm weird? But, then I realized... the most fun in life seems to come when I let go of all of that and enjoy the simple, little joys of life. Such as singing to myself. Or imagining I'm a Jedi with automatic doors. It's a small reminder that life is good... and it should be enjoyed. I know, it's not profound or anything. But I find it's true. Those little joys are a great refresher to an otherwise overbearing world.

So, I challenge you now as I challenge myself. Don't worry about what others will think. Don't keep those barriers in place so that the kid inside will never get out. Instead, enjoy your life. Build a tent fort. Hum the theme to Winnie the Pooh. As you walk, imagine what it would be like if everyone was a Jedi and carried a lightsaber. Think about what you would do if you could have a pet dinosaur. I don't care. Just enjoy the simple things of life. I find at least for myself that's what makes life so fulfilling.

A Prayer of a Ben

2009-09-25T00:58:00.001-07:00

Sacrifice. That seems to be Your word for the day. i have grown up hearing about sacrifice. "Give all that you have over to God. When you do, you will find joy and happiness. Life will be so much better." Well, i'm facing sacrifice in different areas of my life, and i'm finding myself wondering what good could come from giving all. Cause it sure hurts to let go. Especially when You seem to pick those things which mean so much. You have such a great habit of choosing that which i hold so dear.

i feel that i've let go of so much for You. i've abandoned myself to follow You and let You guide my life. i've put my trust in You and walked by faith, looking to you for provision. i've left home and family due to Your guiding. and now i'm facing even more sacrifice because of Your calling. And i just want to yell out, "Why!?" Why do You ask for so much? Why are You so persistent in chasing down everything i grow attached to and asking for it?

But then, i calm down and seek for Your peace. And i hear that still small whisper of Yours. After i've thrown my fists and did my shouting, You then speak up. You say You know the pain. You say You know how hard this can be. But then You ask that i just continue to trust You, and to continue to give myself over to You. You're in control, You know what You're doing. And You won't abandon me. No matter what, You remain. i mean, shoot, once all is given up, You're the only thing left, aren't You? And maybe that's what i need right now. Just to find myself in Your presence. i've forgotten You, and now need to find You once more.

So speak, Lord God. Speak, Father, into my current circumstances. Be my guiding light and let Your Spirit be my guide. Teach me, mold me and leave me changed. You gave Your all for me. Now i need to be willing to do the same. So i sacrifice myself once more, throwing myself down at Your feet. Let Your will be done once more.

i love You.

Looking to Jesus

2009-09-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

So, tonight I had a learning moment happen which I just wanted to share with you all. After work today, I was going along my normal routine of heading out of the Steeple and walking home. I had my hood up so as to attempt to stay dry as the nice steady rains of Scotland streamed down onto the ground. On my way, though, I passed someone sitting along the side of a store front. Upon looking to her, I realized it was one of the girls from Hot Chocolate. I had talked to her recently, so I thought I'd strike up a wee bit of conversation with her.

Now, please note this was after a full day of working and actually having a group session with some... harder guys. So, I was pretty tired at this point of time. But I stopped anyway and started talking to this girl. She told me that she was waiting on some of her mates to show up, but they were late. After a second of thinking, I realized I didn't have anything better to do so I offered to sit with her and wait. So, I pulled up some pavement and took a seat with her. And we just got to talk. And we talked about a lot of things; ranging from comedians to places in America that she wanted to visit. It was generally a really good chat. Throughout it some other friends of hers showed up and chatted for a bit while smoking a cig for a wee bit. And later on some other people from the Steeple stopped by and joined us for a bit. But I just sat there, in the cold while it the rain and smell of nicotine floated around us, for about an hour. And it was great.

Please don't think I'm just trying to toot my own horn here. I'm not. But this little event led to some great thinking as I left for home. While sitting there talking, I was able to watch people walk by us. And to the rest of the crowd, we seemed to mean nothing. We were a group of young people sitting around. Some just didn't pay us any mind. Others purposefully ignored us. No matter the reaction, one thing was certain. We had gained a stereotype. We were youth. Out for a good time. Most likely we shouldn't be trusted, or at least paid attention to. But sitting there, just chatting with them, I realized I was doing the exact thing Jesus would be doing.

He sought to break the social norms of the current culture. Many of the religious leaders of the time didn't want anything to do with those "heathens", "sinners" and "unclean" people. They were comfortable to stay where they had always been. Yet Christ fought this. He went to the need. He talked to those that society passed over or didn't trust. He entered into their world and met them on the same level. He did life with them. Sitting there on the pavement, it just hit me. I'm sitting here hanging with some of the people that the current culture (and especially the church) would view as rebellious and troublesome. And I was happy and at peace with them. I was doing the exact same act that my Lord would be doing. Just sharing life and love through action.

Like I said, this was just a really cool little revelation I had. Nothing big. And please don't think I'm trying to pump myself up. It was a really cool thought and experience that I had. I just wanted to share it with you all. And to challenge you as I challenge myself. Don't look at the social tags being put on people. Instead, look past that outer facade and look to the person inside the cultural stereotype. It's then that we can start seeing everyone as Christ sees them.

Peace.

Terror on the Trains

2009-09-01T14:59:00.000-07:00

I feel a nice orange color is in order here. Sorry all for my lack of blogging recently. It seems I feel behind a wee bit. Things are starting to get nice and busy here. Things are really picking up here at Hot Chocolate. The youth work side of things is getting nice and active, which makes me happy. In fact, last week I had my first 1-on-1 session, which is really really exciting. A 1-on-1 is just like it sounds. I spend end up meeting with one of the young people and chatting with them, covering some possible specifics and just checking up with their lives. And I have another one tomorrow! I'm excited. And things are looking great here. I've got a couple of groups with some lads starting up soon and hopefully more 1-on-1's. So yeah. I'm pretty active right now.

Beyond that, things are going swell. I actually just got back from a really good weekend away. Every year there is a big Christian festival called Greenbelt which takes place on a race track. There's a lot of speakers, music gigs, and other art-type things which take place. And I got the opportunity to go this year! It was so exciting. And really good/ challenging. There were a lot of really good speakers there that I got to hear. And really challenging. I didn't necessarily agree with everything said, but it was really great to hear new opinions and new views on my faith. To give you a better understanding, many of the people I got to hear might be counted as part of the emerging church or labeled as more liberal in their thinking. And I have to admit, at first I had a hard time getting past the label. Once I did get past my pre-established views and allowed myself to openly hear what they had to say, I really started to appreciate what was said. Yes, I may not agree fully with them, but I still can learn, grow and think about what they have to say. I'd love to share some of it with you, but at this point I'm still processing a lot of it. Maybe if you ask me, I can share with you directly and try and work out what I'm thinking with you. That's always fun.

But the festival itself wasn't the only learning point in my trip. I also had a great learning experience on non-other than the great form of public transportation here commonly called the train. You see, it seems that I don't fully understand how trains work here. I seem to keep always having problems. I missed my first train on the way down. On it's way, it got detoured due to vandalism. Someone apparently took off with some train cables. Props to them for getting them by the by... And on the way back I had the same type of journey. I was all set to go. I got to the bus stop with plenty of time to spare to get to the station. And I happily sat and waited. And waited. And waited. Then, I found out that Monday was a holiday here and the buses didn't come to that stop. Good to know. But, in my frantic searching for a way to the station, a kind soul found me and offered me a ride. So, I jumped in with the guy and took off to the station. And then we got lost on the way. It seems neither of us knew where the station was. In the end, I did miss my train. Again. But I was able to train hop all the way back up to Dundee. What I learned, though, is that I need to become more flexible in how I approach things. I so easily fall into keeping with my set plans that if anything messes with them, I get bent out of shape. At first I was pretty stressed out. But once I missed my train and started thinking of things, I realized something. I was really getting stressed over nothing. Sure, I missed my train. For the second time. But the world wasn't ending. I would make it back to Dundee. And I can have myself a little adventure. And that is something that I think God is trying to get out of my system. I need to learn to be willing to have my schedule interrupted. Yeah, planning is good. But once it dominates how I operate, I'm sunk. I need to be willing to let go of my preconceived ideas and just let things go as they will.

So yeah. That was my big weekend. Lots of new thoughts. And lots of thinking I still have yet to do. And I'm looking forward to the next few weeks. Lots of great youth worky things happening. And I get to take a small holiday at the end of September. It seems that I have been presented by my girlfriend (who is currently in Northern Ireland) with a chance to go with her and a few other friends on a small holiday. They came across some really cheap plane tickets, so we jumped on the chance and are now heading out at the end of the month to none other than....drumroll please..... Paris! Yep, Paris. I'm pretty excited for that. What a great opportunity to do while I'm here. So yeah... excitement for that.

Beyond all that, things are going great. Keep praying all for the continued youth work here at Hot Chocolate. Things are great, but prayer is always good. And keep praying for me. I don't have much of an update on things. Keep praying for my involvement with the youth, especially meaningful times during my 1-on-1's. And also, for continued finances. Things like the festival and Paris do cost money, but God keeps providing funds from the most amazing places for these things. So keep praying that His provision will continue and that all will be provided for.

Anywho, that's me in a nutshell. Hope all is well with you. Drop me a line if you feel like it. I love hearing from everyone back home. It's nice staying posted on what's happening elsewhere. For now, I head off to relax for a wee bit before heading to bed. I'm completely knackered (extremely tired).

Peace all and much love!

Some Tea and Blogging...

2009-08-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the long space in between blogs there. Things have been rather hectic for me. I ended up moving into my flat for the rest of the time here last Monday and getting settled in to my role with Hot Chocolate this week. Also, I had a healing occur... namely, my lappy was brought back from the edge of death. He seemed to catch a wee bit of a virus that was making it impossible to do any work. But, he's been cleaned as now back to full working order. And I was off today, so I decided that I should use this time to do a few things (or lack there of). I was able to relax, though, and just enjoy my day. And I even managed to cook myself some dinner tonight. I was proud of myself, at least. And now, this evening, I thought I should take care of some of the things on my to-do list. Thus, I got a nice cup of tea and am now ready to do a new blog post, just as I promised.

Things here have been going great. As I said, I've moved into a new flat. This is the one I will be staying in for the remainder of my time here in Scotland. It's a pretty nice flat. Spacious, I've got my own room, and it's really close to the Steeple, so I don't have a long walk to get to work each day. And my new flatmate, Ian, seems like a pretty great guy. He's easy going and seems like an easy guy to get along with. So that's encouraging.

Since I didn't really report anything about Exodus, I feel I should give a brief account of that. Exodus went really really well. I got to talk to a lot of young people during those 3 weeks and I've started building some relationships with different people and it's especially good that I'm continuing on for the next few months. I'll get to see these relationships grow over that time, which is an awesome thought. There were a lot of younger and newer peeps coming in, especially over Exodus. So, it's been fun to get to know them. They kinda just assume I've been there awhile, since I'm on the team. So, that's always fun. I'm not the guy coming in on their turf. We are both coming in on equal ground. But I have had some pretty good talks with different individuals, learning about their backgrounds and their current life situation. And just some random stuff. I've had a lot of pool games happening (as in billiards, not swimming pool...) and I even had a guy take the time to try and teach me to properly play football (soccer). After 12 years of playing, I still have a lot to learn, apparently...

Also, over Exodus, I made some pretty good friends out of the flatmates I had. I will admit, I was pretty sad to see us go our separate ways. But, it's all good. One of them is volunteering once a week with H.C. Another is coming back in September and working through December. And I actually get to see the final guy at the end of the month. Which brings up another subject. I get to go to a big Christian festival at the end of the month for about 4 days. I'm heading about 7 hours south and camping out at a racing track and spending the days going to different speaking sessions, music gigs, and a whole bunch of things. It is sounding pretty spectacular. And it sounds like all four of the flatmates from Exodus will be there... hopefully. So it will be reunite-fest 99! I'm pretty stoked for it, at least. And that's what counts, right?

As for here in Dundee, this week was good in that I've gained a wee bit of an idea of what I will be doing over the next 5 months. Of course, I will be working the open sessions each week. An open session is basically like it sounds. We open up the Steeple and the young people can stop by and get some tea/ coffee, use the music room, chat, or just relax. These are on Tuesday and Wednesday night and Saturday afternoon. We have also just taken on a new group of student volunteers, which consists of some of the young people who are taking on a bit more responsibility and helping with the sessions. The plan right now is that I will be involved with some smaller group stuff with some of these guys and some one-on-one sessions with them. That at least is the basic idea of what I will be doing. And of course, whatever else needs done I will be doing.

One of the main things I have learning right now is just how faithful God is when He says He will take care of and provide for you. As many of you know, this whole trip has been one step of faith after another, and the result has been things falling into place so nicely. And this week has continued to be just like that. One such example is with my homesickness. I haven't really had much of it since I've been here. At least I haven't had a complete breakdown where I completely miss home. But there are times where I can feel the pangs of missing home. This week really has been when those pangs have started up. And I think that's just because of a combination of factors. One, the flatmates that I had become rather close to over Exodus were all leaving to go home. That basic foundation of relationship and friendship was changed on me. And I realized this week, during some looking at the dates, that people are beginning to head back to HU now. But this year, I won't be there for all the fun activities and moving in and what not. So that caused a moment of sadness. But every time this moment of sadness wants to creep in, God steps up and encourages me in ways I don't even expect. It's either having someone who, out of the blue, asks me to lunch or is willing to hang out for the night or talks of getting together in the future to hang out. Every time that happens, God just steps in and subtly reminds me that yes, this is where I'm to be at this point of time and that He is taking care of me. And that is comforting. Another story along these same lines... I spent some time looking at my budgeting for my time here, just to see where I'm at. I will admit, I left home with less than I was hoping to have, so I was a little worried about what I would find. After doing some math work and taking into account the rent I will be paying, I was amazed to find that I almost have enough, even with being below my original estimates. And it was just amazing to look at that and see how God has and continues to provide. In the most amazing and unexpected ways, He seems to bring in just enough to get me through. So, again, I just praise Him for how faithful He has remained. And it encourages me for the future. I honestly have to admit that right now my future is a pretty blank slate. I don't have too much of an idea where I'll end up and what I'll be doing, be it a year in advance or even a week in advance. Shoot, most of my days start off with me not fully sure what the day will bring. But that's the wonder I'm finding in living and working here. It has truly taught me to rely on Him and to just trust that He will continue to place me directly where He wants me. It for sure can be a whirlwind of a ride. It's kinda like being in a heavy snow shower... you can't see but a few feet in front of you. But I just keep walking along the path laid out before me, trusting that He will continue to guide each of my steps. I just have to stretch out my leg, one step at a time.

Anywho, I suppose that's enough from me for now. I hope that catches you up with what's going on here in my life. It's been a great past month (man, a month already...) and I'm excited to see what the next few months will bring.

Some things to pray for:
-living with Ian, that we continue to get along and that we don't get on each others nerves after a month or something
-continued development of relationships here, both with the young people and with others in just a social sense
-along with that, that any homesickness and loneliness is just pushed aside
-the work at the Steeple, that lives continue to be impacted
-finances for me, God has been providing wondrously and that He continues to bring in the money for where and when I need it

Much love from Scotland, all!

Cheers

Freedom of Dependancy

2009-07-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

Well, things seem to be going well here in Dundee. Exodus is going swimmingly, even though our plans are regularly struck down by the circumstances we find ourselves in. But that is the nature of the ministry, I suppose. But things are going great. I am getting used to the city, which is nice. I am feeling like I know my way around and get from one place to another. This probably means I'll be getting dropped in the middle of some place I haven't been yet and I'll have to find my way home again. For now, though, I am good.

Exodus, though, is going good. I have met lots of people and am slowly building relationships with them. I am still feeling wishing for more meaningful conversations, though. But, they will come. I am still getting used to this place. I mean, shoot, I have only been here for 2 1/2 weeks. I'm still adjusting. I am also told that there are many new faces being seen at the Steeple (where Hot Chocolate is located). This of course means these groups are bit more closed off to talking with volunteers. But it is exciting to have them there and to begin seeing them regularly.

Oh man.... I think I'll share this with you. Tonight has been a pleasant night. As I do some writing/ journaling, I have some great tunes playing. Things such as Josh Garrels, Iron and Wine, The Weepies, Over the Rhine and even Kyle Scott (friend of Beth's). It has been a good thing.

I feel that I am beginning to get a bit of insight into myself with the ministry happening here. I suppose that's a good thing, since that's one of the points of prime... But I am beginning to see how independent I have become. I feel like I haven't been really connecting with the young people, so I've been getting frustrated with my efforts. And that's when it hit me, like a 2x4 right between the eyes. It has been my efforts. I have been the one trying to connect and strike up conversations. Yet, especially in the nature of this relationship based ministry, I cannot do this myself. I need to let God be the one in complete control of all that I do. I need to learn to become even more flexible and attuned to the Spirit. His guiding will be what creates the connections here, not the efforts in my own strength. I need to become more dependent on He who is stronger.

Now, the thing is, this is easier said than done. There's a lot that needs to get worked out of my system. I like to be in control of myself. But I can't do that here. I need to be reliant on those around me and even more so with Him. So there's my kinda work-in-progress with myself. But seeing growth and being able to work towards it now is good. And it's encouraging because I am working in a place of hope and change. Yes, there is a great hardness in the people we work with. But there is also a great hope to be found and change is constantly happening. I just need to remember that I too need to be changing and growing. It does seem like by choosing to become dependent I will be giving away my freedom. But, I'm learning that independence may not always be the best thing. True freedom can be found when I have made myself dependent on God. And that is a freedom worth striving for.

For now, some prayer requests from me are:

-Exodus. things are going great. pray that they continue.
-continued growth and a willingness to change on my part.
-housing. i'm meeting my two possible flatmates this coming weekend. pray for wisdom and clarity on which place will be best for me.
-finances.

Much love, all.
Cheers!

Down to Business...

2009-07-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

So, I realize that my last post color was a little rough. The red just made it seem angry. So, I'm trying out the purple. Maybe that will make things seem calmer.

Well, I've finished my first week here in Dundee. And it's been a good week. I've gotten to know a bit of my way around both the city and Hot Chocolate. I feel that I'm slowly starting to find my place, and I'm getting know some of the people here. Which is good. I've moved out of my original living arrangements. Now I'm in a flat with 3 other people. We are volunteers for the upcoming event, Exodus. So, for the next 3 weeks we will be living and working with each other. So far things are pretty good. I'm enjoying getting to know and hang out with these peeps. So there's a big blessing from God.

I don't know if I've actually mentioned Exodus before... or at least properly described it. Exodus is Hot Chocolate's major summer event. It lasts for 3 weeks and is basically and intensive time of working with and building relationships with the young people. My day runs from about 10 am to 10 pm. During the day, we have the church open for the young people to hang out in and use the facilities. We also have some major projects going on, such as art projects, lessons from people on how to do art, music writing, video editing and even dj-ing. And there are periodically trips that we take students out on, such as go-karting, bowling, laser tag, watersports, and other such things. Overall it is just a really really fun time. I'm excited for it, but I'm going to be so stinkin tired every day.

Even in the midst of this coming exhaustion, I am excited to see what God has in store. So far He has been so good to me, putting me in this place and with these amazing people. I'm already learning a lot from them and I look forward to the future lessons I will be getting. I've learned a lot on how to carry out ministry with young people, especially those that have been hurt by society and cast aside as hopeless. Yet, God has not cast them aside. He still values them and He seeks to have that relationship with them. It's astounds me to look at these young people, some of the roughest people you can think of, and think of the potential that each of them possesses. They just need someone to build that relationship with them and to show them the love of Christ. And I get the joy and privilege of doing that very thing for the next 6 months.

Another thing I've recently learned is how much I need to get out of my ethnocentric bubble. In the States, I must admit that I always considered the U.S. as being the world leaders for youth ministry (and many other things) and coming up with ideas. But I've had that idea greatly challenged, even though its only been a week. After talking with some of the people here, I've come to realize that the States are a bit behind in terms of culture. Europe and the UK are very much a post-modern, post-Christiandom culture (especially the youth that we work with specifically) Because of this, different approaches to ministry must be taken. Back home, the youth have not gotten quite as bad as they are here, but they are starting down this path and will become much like the youth here. This has been the pattern throughout history. It's how the cultures travel and exchange with each other. So, it's been great to learn here ideas and practices which can be used in ministry in the States... or where ever I might find myself. I realize that I have touched on a lot things in this little section, much of wish can be dug into deeper. And I would love to, but sadly now is not the time. It's after midnight, I'm a bit tired, not sure exactly what I am saying and I have to get up tomorrow to start Exodus. But yeah, hopefully as time goes on I will have some better and more mature thoughts to share. I am growing and maturing through all this, as I should be.

Things are getting busy for me. But it's a good busy. I'm excited to see what all God has in store over the next 3 weeks. I'll hopefully be able to blog again at some point... maybe on one of my days off. And thanks again for all your support, my friends. If you would remember to continue to pray for me with housing, that would be great. I think things have finally gotten worked out. I might even have some options. But price is still a bit of an issue and I don't have a lot of money to go around. So pray for the right place to come forward and for provision to continue to happen. And pray for Exodus. That students' lives will be touched, that change and growth will happen, and that the team (including myself) will have the energy to keep up with all the young people coming in.

Cheers and Blessings All!!!

diving in

2009-07-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I have officially been here a day, and I must admit my entry day was pretty intense. I did get to sleep in a wee bit, so that was pleasant. This afternoon, though, I got to head down to the Steeple, which is where Hot Chocolate is located, and work this afternoon. Well, I guess I wouldn't really say work... more like get an introduction to what I've gotten myself into. But this has all been quite a quick intro for me. Today, I walked to the Steeple... by myself! That was quite an adventure. I got to take myself on a tour of Dundee and see what it looks like during my 20 minute walk. Overall, the people seem pretty nice here. And I've been told it's pretty relatively safe, so that should comfort anyone who might be a wee concerned. I will say my highlight of the journey was finding a tattoo shop that sold "American" tattooes. I'm not sure what the difference between an American tattoo and everyone else's is, but this shop has it. It was even called Yankee Tattooes. Pretty sweet. Maybe I should stop in and a get a big American eagle holding a flag across my back....... Or not.

Anywho, Hot Chocolate is looking to be pretty sweet. It's a very laid back sort of place and very interested in getting to know the students as who they are. And there's no pressure to beat them up and chastise them and force them to make changes. It's more of a building of relationship with them, and through that bringing change to their lives. For example, after a session (opening up of the facility for the day) the team meets and discusses what types of conversations we had, were there any problems, and what changes we have seen in people. I suppose I should describe a session for you all. What it is, as far as I know, is the facility is opened up for 12-21 year olds in the city. They can simply drop by any time they want. As they enter, there's a table where they can get a cup of hot chocolate made for them (thus the name). They can then head upstairs, where there is a room for chilling. It has tables, chairs, couches, phooseball, pool and guitars available for use. There's also a music room that they can use, but that's closed at the moment. But the kids end up gathering around and we can go in and talk with them and hang out. I must admit, I'm getting pretty excited for working here. The people and ministry seem great.

Today was a wee bit rough for me in that I didn't know anyone. They were all fine with me being there, but I'm not a part of their circle yet. They don't know me, so I wasn't really addressed all that much. But that's ok. I wasn't that talkative either. I did a lot of listening and trying to learn about stuff and the people. But over time I hope to get in a really engage the kids and become integrated into their circle. Fortunately, Exodus is starting soon. It's a 3 week period where we have sessions, lessons, art projects, music, hanging out, and trips taking place. It should be intense, but it sounds like it should be grand and hopefully I'll get to know a few peeps through it.

As for my living situation, I'm currently staying in the living room of one of the workers. It's only for a week though. I'm then moving in with some other volunteers for Exodus and staying with them during those 3 weeks. After that, there's a hope that I can move in with a guy in his flat. As of right now, though, it's only about a 90% sure thing. We aren't sure if he's really going to be in the flat. But if he does, I hear the rent should be cheaper than most places. So, that's encouraging. I'm praying that it works out.

So yeah... That's my life right now. I go to church tomorrow, which is exciting. And then Monday, my day off, I'm meeting up with Andy (one of the workers here) and he's taking me on a tour of the area. So, that should be exciting. I'm excited to see some of the area. I think I'm going to have to suck up my pride and look like a tourist for a bit so I can carry my camera around and get some pictures. This place looks pretty sweet. I mean, right next door is a high school for the city, and it, by description of the people I'm living with, looks like Hogwarts. That should makes sense to some of you... But it does look like an old castle type building. And it's their school! I wish I could have gone to school in a castle. That should be the next dorm style at Huntington... old English castle. I'm just sayin... And finally Tuesday, I dive full in to work here. Should be exciting.

Well, I realize this got a bit long for you, but I wanted to share. If you read this far, congrats to you. Thanks again all for your support and prayers! And please keep them coming. I covet them greatly. God is definitely moving here, and it's exciting to see. For now, I shall finish off with some prayer requests on my part.

-relationships to start and develop with the students (this is a... rougher... crowd than I'm use to, but it's good to be plucked out of my comfort zone. I just need God to help me connect into their world and to be able to speak into it.)
-housing, this flat thing in a month sounds great, but continue to pray that God places me right where I need to be
-finances, things are a bit more expensive here, so pray that God continues to be the provider of all my finacial needs

Thanks so much all for your love and support!

Cheers and Blessings!

Really?

2009-07-02T20:50:00.001-07:00

As I've sat and pondered about life this week, something has dawned on me recently. I am really going to Scotland. I'm really going to Scotland. It just hit me this past week that this is real. I'm going to be flying out in a week from now and spending 7 months in Scotland. And as this thought enters my wee little head, another quickly follows it up. What the heck have I gotten myself into?

Looking ahead, the only thing I can see is a murky fog. (Sorry, I just watched Pirates of the Caribbean tonight, so if you get a lot of sailing analogies, that's why.) But I honestly do feel like I'm setting sail into a fog. I've started to put some thought into what I will be doing with my life here soon, and the only answer I'm coming up with is that I don't know. I have no idea what it is that I'm going to be doing, who I will be working with or even what the place I'm setting foot in is like. OK, that sounds bleak. And it's not that bad. I do have names and I have a general idea of what it is I will be working on. But, honestly, there are a lot of unknowns. I don't know any of the people I will be working with. I don't know where I'm living once I get there. (Doesn't bother me too much. It sounds like I have a short-term place to stay and that we'll be looking for something more once I get there.) I don't know any specifics with what my day-to-day activities will look like. And there's the culture of students I will be working with. I've come to learn that the type of students I will be interacting with at Hot Chocolate are... not what I am used to in my everyday life. Many are in to music and skateboarding, among other areas. Sadly, these areas of interest are not exactly ones I have a great deal of experience in. I want to be able to connect with them, but my knee-jerk response is that I won't be able to. I don't know these areas of interest. When I boil a lot of these thoughts down, it comes out to one short phrase: I simply don't know. And this has started to get me a slight bit anxious with a week to go before I head out.

Yet, as I take pause to process all of these uncertainties, another conclusion is reached. I am going to be going into the midst of complete discomfort for me. I'm stepping out of what is normal and comfortable and.... known to me and instead stepping into the unknown. I don't see what I'm stepping on to, but I do know what I'm stepping out on: faith. This whole process has been a big exercise in faith for me. I've had to completely trust God throughout the whole thing. And He has brought it all together. Looking at that, I can't help but acknowledge that He has something in store for me over there in the midst of all these unknowns. He's bringing me there for a reason. I just have to keep stepping forward. I'll be the first to admit that this is not going to be pleasant at times. But then, growth isn't always the most comfortable thing to experience. I'll just have to take it in stride. I'll never clear the fog if I don't sail off into it.

So, with these things in mind, I humbly ask that you continue to lift me up in your prayers as I head out. To give you an idea, here's some specifics that are on my mind.
- Safety in travels. I leave on July 9th, and I have a lot of stops on the way over. Pray for safety on all of these and that I have no problems making all of the connections.

-Relationships: fellow workers. I'm going to be working with these people for the next 7 months. Pray that I can get along great with them and make some solid connections with these people. So far they have been really supportive and excited for me to come. Pray that I remain open, instant connections are made and I am able to mesh right in and work hard alongside the other workers.

-Relationships: students. I also ask that you lift up my relationships with the students. One of my bigger worries is how the connections with these students will go. I'm going to be the outsider... in many different ways. Pray that these barriers are cast down and that I will be able to connect with the youth in incredible ways. Along with that, pray that I will be outgoing and willing to connect with them. When in unfamiliar settings, I like to hang back instead of applying myself. Pray that I can overcome this characteristic.

-Housing. I don't know where I'm living. I'd prefer somewhere besides a cardboard box. Those get drafty. Pray that I can find a long-term place to call home and that it's not very expensive. That is my biggest estimated cost. If I can get in with someone or have a very low cost place to stay, that would be a big blessing for me.

-Along with that, finances. I have had responses from people for support for this trip, and I am incredibly grateful for what people have sacrificed for me. I still though have a decent amount of money I'd like to have for the trip. So far God has provided in this area, as in all the other areas. Pray that He continues this trend and that the resources I need present themselves.

-Finally, pray for God to move in Scotland. Pray that the Holy Spirit can be unleashed in the lives of the students and that they can come to know Him more. And include me with this. I so desire to be used by Him during this time. I want to hear His voice and go where He guides me. Pray that I will continue to remain open to what He has in store, no matter how uncomfortable and stretching it is.

So, that's that. I'm heading out in a week. That is a very insane thought. But it is also exciting. I look forward to seeing how God grows me in the coming months. Thank you all again for your support and prayers. I leave you with a small picture I drew to celebrate my upcoming travels. That, and Josh kept telling me I needed to put artwork on this blog. So, I hope you enjoy it.

Blessings and Cheers all!

Here I Come, Baby!

2009-06-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

So, I just got the news tonight (at 12:45 am) as I did one final check of my email before heading to bed. And the verdict is in! I finally have a visa for Scotland! I've been approved to go and do my PRIME there!!!! Oh man, I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight...I'm floating on cloud 9 right now I'm so excited. It's great to have this finally over with. It's been such a headache these past few months, trying to get the right paper work sorted out...encountering delays, finding out I have all new forms to fill out. But, the visa has finally been issued! It's all over and now I am clear to head to Scotland on July 9th!

Looking back at this whole process, it's just amazing to see how God has been working through it. For the longest time I thought I would be going to Japan. Well, at the end of first semester, that kinda fell through due to certain circumstances. And then I couldn't really find anything. Then, through my profs, Hot Chocolate came up. They were interested in it and we proceeded. I wasn't sure what I was doing or how it would all work out. Sometimes, I'll admit, I didn't see how it would work out. But, things kept falling into place. They, in Scotland, were great with getting things done for me. The timing issues ended up getting worked out so that I was here to help with our strawberry patch, I can be in a wedding and see my sister before I leave. And I'm loving what it sounds like I'll be doing when I get there. All this to say that God definitely gets all the honor on this one. My plans didn't work out nearly as well as this has. He has been so faithful through all of this. And I thank all of you for your diligent prayers through this whole process.

Now that this part is done, it is time for me to move on to my next step. Time to start preparing to leave. It's weird to think that I'm leaving in about 2 weeks now. Crazy! And I'll be there until January. Even more craziness. With that said, I continue to ask for your prayers. Now it's a whole new ballgame. Pray that I can relate with and connect to the people there, both who I will be working alongside and with the students I'm working with. Also, pray for housing. I don't know where I'm staying yet. (As of right now, I don't care since I can finally say I'm going.) There was mention of staying with a workers friend in his flat, which would be so nice. So, pray that the right housing comes into play. And pray for finances. That is ever an issue on my mind for this trip. It will be expensive. But it will be worth it all.

Well, that's about all I have to report for now. I'm just so stinkin excited about all of this! Too bad I didn't check my email earlier or I could have had this out earlier. Oh well. Again, thank you all for your support and I look forward to continuing to share my journey with you all.

Peace

Sprinting to a Standstill

2009-05-30T22:02:00.001-07:00

Well, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news. I finally heard back from Scotland about the whole license/ sponsorship thing. I've finally been approved! YAY!!!!! That means I can finally start my visa application!

Now for the bad news. It seems that the UK has done maintenance on the required online visa application and I currently can't access it to start my visa...Bah. Little steps at a time. Simply little steps at a time. But, things continue to work out so far. I mean, this whole process with finding out and preparing to go to Scotland has just continued to fall into perfect place for things to work out. Originally I would have been heading out the beginning of June, but now that I'm leaving in July, I can help with the strawberry picking here at home and I'll be here for my friend's wedding! So, that's pretty sweet. And things just continue to come together. So, I am not depressed yet. I still have hope and am remaining faithful. I will wait for what's coming, although I am getting somewhat antsy sitting and waiting.

As for right now, I'm currently looking at simply staying busy. This goal is easily being accomplished. I have been spending hours out in the garden helping dad keep that in order by doing some picking and weeding. I have literally had my hands stained red by the picking of strawberries. Such a good thing. But that's keeping me busy and will hopefully help bring in some much needed dollars for Scotland. So, that's my summer right now.

Besides that, I'm just continuing to pray and hope the visa stuff gets worked out. If you get the sudden desire, would you join in lifting this whole thing up? It can get a bit stressful/ discouraging when I'm left to simply think about it by myself. Thanks all. And hopefully I'll have a fully encouraging post here soon!

There is a War

2009-05-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

I've finally made it home from school and this has led to a large amount of free time now being presented to me. In this free time, I have found myself realizing some truths around me. Today was one such day. As I set contemplating the world around me, I was hit with a sudden revelation. The world we now find ourselves in is in a state of war. I have begun to find myself attacked from all directions. These attacks happen at all times of the day. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. The assailants swoop in to attack me out of the blue. They search for my weaknesses and are relentless when it comes to trying to wear me down. I try to deal with them and gain victory, but I just don't seem to be able to make any ground in this battle. I kill off one and five more appear. The world we once knew no longer exists. Our homes....our very lives have been invaded. We will never be the same because of this. Who is this new-found enemy you may ask. This "new" enemy is actually an old one which has been around for many generations.

This enemy is.......the housefly.

Yes, the housefly. It seems that this age old enemy of the house has come back with vengeance. As I sit here in the house, enjoying a nice peaceful moment to relax, I suddenly find myself the target for multiple kamikaze flies. Mind you, these are not your normal little houseflies. These guys are like 747's of the insect world. They are so stinkin huge!!! They almost knock off my head when the fly in. I try to take them out, but they just keep coming back. For every one I kill, 5 more step forward to take their fallen comrade's place. I think I killed about 10 at one time today. They were just buzzing around the window, bouncing off the screen in a vain attempt to achieve their freedom. But they were no match for my quick hand and fly-sweatter. They could not handle me....the samari of swatting. But, it still doesn't matter. They keep coming back!

So, I put out a plea to all of you...my readers. Join me in fighting this dangerous enemy. They will soon take over all of our houses unless we strike first. We must fight for our freedom!!! Rise up, fellow home dwellers! Defend that which is ours!!!! In case you haven't noticed, already my days are becoming slow...see what happens when school let's out.

Looking at Finality

2009-05-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. The semester is drawing to a close and I'm beginning to once more wrap up the different areas in my life. I've finished off this semester of classes and all I have left to do is finals. Well, I guess I should say it correctly. All I have left is a final. It's a beautiful thing only having to worry about one test this time around. It sure makes it easy on my stress level. But, life usually takes this type of spin around this time of year. This current chapter of the book that is my life draws to a close and I begin to turn the page to the next.

Yet, life has decided not to quite treat me the same. As I look for some closure and wrapping up in my life, I'm finding it full of loose ends and uncertainty. Yes, the school year draws to a close. That is one thing which is for certain. But, there are some things which I just have no control over and I'm stuck simply holding on for dear life.

The primary example of this in my life is PRIME. I still haven't heard back from Scotland yet about the sponsorship license. They are to be getting that any time now. And I kinda need that to start in on my visa application. And I need time for that so I can make my departure time. Talk about just sitting around and waiting... I feel like that's all I've been able to do for the past 6 weeks or so. It gets frustrating having to wait and being unable to do nothing. Yet, I am keeping up my faith. So far things have come together miraculously. Because of that, I just have to trust that He will bring it all together. With that in mind, I shall simply wait. And continue to wait until I see Him provide the next step.

Another thing I am watching slowly flow away from me is this time of my life. These past few years of college have been amazing. I have truly grown during this time of my life. I've been able to make amazing friends, make special relationships with people and come to critically look at myself and the thoughts which are presented to me. To be honest, I have not always been the most critical thinker around. Shoot, I was probably on the other spectrum when it came to things like that. But, through the classes, profs and relationships I have had, I have learned what it means to think about my life. This has certainly worked to open my mind up to growth, maturity and wisdom. I still have a long way to go, but looking at the steps I've taken down the path of life, I'm at peace with where I am going.

To sum up my current standing in life right now, I am encouraged with where I am at. Sure, I don't know what's going on all the time. Sure, at times I feel completely out of control. Sure, I don't have a clue what tomorrow will be flopping on my plate. But, I am okay with that. I've reached a point where I don't need to know. What I do know is that things are great. I've been learning and growing so much in my life. I've got amazing friends surrounding me. This past semester has seen restoration and renewal in a specific relationship of mine, which brings me great joy to have seen happen. And I am encouraged by what little I can see in my future. Shoot, going to Scotland should get most people happy with life. They have kilts there, you know.... With all of these things in my mind to encourage me, I think I can continue to trek on with my life. And who knows....maybe I too will find a kilt along the path I tread... you never know.........

Coming to an end....or is that a beginning?

2009-04-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

Life always seems to be taking on a new turn of events for me. I feel that once I start to get comfortable in one place, I end up getting moved right on to the next place in my life. Take for example my current situation. I'm approaching the end of my junior year of college. Can this really be almost the end of my junior year? It seems like I only just arrived here at school. And now I'm looking ahead...thinking of the end which inevitably seems to be approaching. Man, this thought is like hitting myself upside the head with a 2X4. It's a painful thought. All the friends, the good times I've had here, the lessons I've learned.... This chapter of my life is coming to a close.

Yet, through this I see a light. Things are being brought about that are exciting for me to watch. Even in midst of these sad thoughts, I'm finding joy. First of all, this summer will start my internship for school, called PRIME. This will consist of a spending around 7 months away from home and working in a ministry like what I hope to be working with once I graduate. God has definitely worked in miraculous ways for this. For while I didn't know where I might end up. But, through the opening of doors, I have the opportunity to go to Scotland to work at an organization there. Of course, it wouldn't be my life unless there was some anxiety with this. I've got some visa issues which need to pass through the government processes. As long as they work out okay, though, I should be good to go. Which makes me extremely excited. I'll get to work with the age group that I want to... youth. I really want to work with youth when I graduate, particularly junior high to high school. This age group is such a great age to work with. They are so teachable and ready to learn. I know that was the age where I was impacted and directed on the path to become the man I am today. I'm excited to engage others at this stage too...working to draw out the potential within each of them. All this to say, I'm excited for the coming opportunity with PRIME.

Along with the outcome with PRIME, things in my life have been encouraging recently. It has been a great year with meeting people and growing closer to some. The relationships I have with people around me have been a blessing in my life. Some of the relationships have been new, meeting them through the floor and other such networks. Others have been restored and renewed from the past. Those restored by grace and forgiveness have been great to encounter, too. These small blessings work to continue to remind me of God's hand in my life, and how He continues to show His love to an undeserving blockhead like myself.

Life is good. Although I sometimes become discouraged by different events and situations, I always seem to be reminded by those around me of just how good life is. On that note, I think it is good to call it a night.